Broken Beyond Repair: Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

People say that time has the power to heal all wounds, but when you're as broken and ripped as me there is no cure. In the span of one year my world came crashing down around me; bringing tragedy, and pain along with it. This was the year that I realized that the world was indeed not fair nor sympathetic. Never would I have thought that my life would have ended not with a bang but with a plea.

You know that place in your mind where you don't think, don't feel? Tonight is one of many nights filled to the absolute brim with body numbing pain that forces me to enter that exact place. My haven. Curled against the wall in a ball, I ignore what is being done to me, knowing that it won't be long before he passes out from the heroine high he's got going. It's these beatings that make me want to give up and succumb to the darkness that's pushing at me. My back is taking whip after whip, eventually turning into a burning wall of fire. My body is a twisted art show displaying scars and bruises in the place of actual paintings. I want to let go and become one of the many people everyone forgets about but I don't, knowing that he's still out there waiting for the one person who understands him. Who understands the pain he goes through every single day.

Hi there

Let me start by reviewing the first paragraph of this writing:

In my opinion the start of the prologue is rather cliché. Having read a series of romantic prologues I can tell that this story is quite predictable. I am not implying that your writing is bad but just that you have started on the wrong foot. The prologue is intended to attract readers therefore it must induce a sense of curiosity in the reader.
From the beginning of this prologue my mind already lead me to the conclusion that this will be 'just another romantic story' about finding love which would complete and save the person. There would probably even be a break-up in between. Now, mind you, it could be that your intention has nothing to do with what I have just written however, keep in mind that the readers are unaware of what the novel consists of. Consequently, most probably, those readers who have a reference of previous romantic novels will probably reach the same conclusion as mine. Therefore, you ought to find a more original way to introduce your work. It ought to be a unique entrance.
Regarding your grammar:

1) "This was the year that I realized that the world was indeed not fair nor sympathetic." - The "not" in this sentence should be written as "neither".

2) "Never would I have thought that my life would have ended not with a bang but with a plea." - I think that this should be written as: "Never had I thought that my life will end not with a bang but with a plea." Apart from that the word "bang" doesn't seen to fit in the context.

Now, let's take a look at the second paragraph, shall we?

This paragraph contains a contradiction: First the speaker is describing the idea of numbness and how she/he uses it as a means of protection and escape and then the speaker is "turning into a burning wall of fire". I recommend you to first state the pain and then register the fact that it is turning into numbness. First a person experiences pain and then numbness (Although I'm positive that you are already aware of this )

I liked the way how you described the scars, the imagery was refreshing to the narrative start:
"My body is a twisted art show displaying scars and bruises in the place of actual paintings"

The second paragraph gives a better insight on the character's personality. From the whole prologue I derived that the speaker is deeply scared (emotionally) and abused (physically). However, although the speaker maintains to be broken, he/she is strong enough to push away the tempting resignation thoughts. The second paragraph gives the impression that the speaker feels responsible for the person abusing her. It seems that she as a special bond to him therefore, I think that it might be either someone related to her or some one with whom she has or once had some kind of relationship with. Am I correct?

Well, I think that this would add up to a compelling story. Your ideas are great but you have to try to express yourself differently from others. Make the writing your own.

Keep writing and enjoy it while you do

-paula08

I like that you are very descriptive. All the details help "paint" a picture in your mind. I can't wait to read more. Keep Writing!

Hi there!

One major thing I notice here is that the first part of the prologue is in past tense while the second part is in present tense. While this is your own writing and you can style it however you want, I'd suggest keeping the tenses same. Mainly because it's a bit hard to imagine right now. Your MC is talking about a year in which their life changed immensely. That takes place in the here and now and they are remembering back on the memory. But then all of the sudden the here and now changes and we're in the memory, the only information we have is that the year was terrible. Now we're reading farther into the story and we're all of the sudden not supposed to know that the year was terrible because it's written in present tense. Make sense?

I have to say, it was very interesting to get inside your MC's head right off the bat. Sure it's written in first person which basically forces you to get inside the character's head, but you take it a bit farther. We really get to see the anguish going on inside of them while their father (I'm assuming it's their father) beats them. You could've just kept it plain and simple by telling us what was going on, but you decided to make it mean more than that. And I think that was the right decision.

A prologue is always good to introduce the story to the readers. And that's exactly what you did here. There is enough that you haven't told us that we're interested. I want to know exactly who this main character is and what's going on in their life. I want to learn why their past year was so terrible. There are so many questions that I'm just waiting to be answered.

This last paragraph here can easily be split up into at least two smaller paragraphs. Now, it's not a large paragraph, therefore it's not because of understandability (is that a word?? Welp, it is now xD) and our comprehension. Instead, it seems like it could've been a bit more dramatic. Play with our emotions. Get us to focus on certain events by putting them at the beginning of the sentence. For example, the part about the beatings making your MC want to give up would be a wonderful paragraph starter. Not only does it emphasize the fact that your MC is being beaten, but it's also a bit of a topic change. We're not focusing on the overall feeling of misery anymore; we're getting more specific. Play around with the lengths of your paragraphs. They don't have to be a certain length either. Some paragraphs are just a few sentences while others could be just one sentence.

Overall I quite enjoyed reading this. You've done a good job pulling us into your story and your MC's life. Let me know when the first chapter is up! I want to see what happens next :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Ok, what to say first? I got it, how about that the idea of this is rather cliché. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be really mean but the fact about someone being really broken and hurting and it also being romantic is just commonly used. First of all I get the feeling that the main character died and is telling the story from the "others side". Am I right? If not then by using the last sentence in the introduction paragraph, kind of contradicts the story.

Next, the first sentence of the next paragraph seems like it would work better in the beginning paragraph since you are touching up about the mind thing. Ok, no I can see that the character isn't dead, so maybe you can take out the last sentence of the first paragraph and change it around so it doesn't confuse the reader.

Wow... Slow down here. All of a sudden you just threw another character or way, from what I have read so far it didn't seem like there was anyone else in the room or whatever the main character is in. The second paragraph is actually written like the beginning to a chapter, so if you want to keep it with out changing anything then I think that you should cut off the prologue at the time when you broke off and stat a chapter.

Do you mean punishing, or 'pushing', because I think that you might mean punishing.
Your descriptive detail in the paragraph is actually pretty grate, I think that it really gives the reader the sensation of being in the story. The way you described the scars and marks on the MC's back made me believe that I was actually there and saw it all. You 'manipulate' the reader's senses very well.

So you kind of confused me again, I fell that the character you are trying to describe {the guy, not the girl who I assume is a girl} is the kind of person who drink a lot and is a very abusive drunk but the last two sentences of this entire prologue, gave me the feeling that he is misunderstood and doesn't do anything bad. I don't get why the MC would have 'feeling' for him if he beats her.

Anyways, I think you did a great job and I am excited to read more. Good luck and Continue writing.

Hello there

What an interesting prologue you have written to begin your story!

- “My body is a twisted art show displaying scars and bruises in the place of actual paintings.”

I have to point out that I love this metaphor; awesome job!

There are a couple little nitpicks:

- “In the span of one year my world came crashing down around me; bringing tragedy, and pain along with it.”

The semi-colon in this sentence is misused. This can easily be fixed by replacing it with a comma. Also, the comma you already have really isn’t necessary unless you add another after pain to make those words an additional bit of info.

- “heroine high”

Unless you are trying to refer to a heroine aka a lead female character, I’m pretty sure the drug isn’t spelt with an ‘e’ (heroin)

One suggestion I have is that you play around with the order of paragraphs and sentences, not only to remove the asterisks, but because to me, “Never would I have thought that my life would have ended not with a bang but with a plea” feels like a more definite and cliffhanger-y way to end a prologue than your current sentence. (And I don’t like asterisks, but that’s just me.)

Overall, your prologue was great in that it gave enough detail to intrigue, but just enough that I actually don’t have any idea as to what could come next. (Sometimes people write something labelled as a prologue when it actually could be considered the first chapter.) You could expand upon the scene further to provide more detail, and while it’d be nice, I don’t think it’s entirely necessary.

I’m interested to see how the main character is going react to her situation, and what is going to lead her to end with a plea. So many questions, argh!

Keep up the great writing!

- Maverick

Review

This prologue is an interesting start to this story. You can really get a grasp on what the character is feeling. I noticed that there was great detail, and that always makes a better story.

Negatives

1. You could describe more of who is beating her.

Positives

1. You had great detail and thought put into this.

2. There was also great imagery here.

Besides that I love this so far. It sounds like its going to be interesting. I am glad I came to the green room. If I did not I might of never reviewed this story.

keep writing

~cassaundra~