Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty good piece for a first chapter. It definitely hits all the marks that you would expect from such a chapter except for perhaps one. There's definitely a good sense of setting and then these two main characters but what I think is probably a little too weak here is a reason to continue reading. The phone call thing is the only thing that we get and while it is definitely quite intriguing and I certainly would read on to see more I feel like following this up with that general scene kind of dilutes that a little and the very ending of the chapter doesn't quite inspire all that much. While the opening will get someone to read that chapter the ending of the chapter isn't quite strong enough for it to really hook us to keep reading the next one.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I counted down from five under my breath and right on cue my cell phone began ringing on the pillow next to me. I sighed as I stared up at the white chipped paint on the ceiling of my bedroom. It was my mother. It was always my mother, every morning of every day at the same exact time. I turned my back on the phone to look out of the window. It was pouring down raining outside. Big surprise there, it rained so much Seattle. It was one of the reasons I decided to come here.
Okay not the worst way to set the setting for a story there although its seem just a touch to vague making the description sounds just a little bit rushed. Its not a very big deal but it can maybe mess things up a little bit if the audience doesn't quite know what's happening. The chipped paint and the pillow are definitely great but that last line especially is I think what is making me think its a little awkward.
Like most days I didn’t want to talk to my mother. Though she called everyday, I only answered every blue moon to let her know that I was still alive. The phone rang and rang spreading a hollowing feeling through my body until the voicemail picked up. I continued to watch the rain splat against my window and roll down. I closed my eyes deciding to use the sound more than the sight as a useless lullaby knowing that I’d never fall asleep.
Now that is very interesting indeed. Immediately a lot of questions to be asked as to why this person is doing what they are doing and that's a pretty nice thing to have in a story like this.
I lied in my bed for only moments before giving up and getting up. I ran my hand through my hair and trudged to the bathroom. The old carpet rubbed against my feet making a low scraping sound. I made it to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face before making my way to our weird L shaped kitchen. My body felt heavy like I was carrying two ton boulders on my shoulders as I opened the fridge door and pulled out the carton of eggs. Our fridge was always sparsely stocked. While I hardly ate anything, my roommate ate everything.
Well that does not sound like a good roommate at all. Also now that is definitely some really good description that you've got down here.
My roommate was a fascinating creature named Mick. He trudged in the kitchen and kissed the top of my head before sitting on the counter next to the stove. He was disheveled all the time. He had shoulder length brown messy hair and always seemed to have a five o’clock shadow. He was tall and gangly with permanently red and glazed eyes. He had the potential to be cute if he cleaned up a little but if he did, he wouldn’t be my Mick. Plus if you knew him long enough his cuteness shined through anyway. I loved all his scruffiness.
Well that was a nice description again. And I love how you let her give her opinion of this character because it tells us a lot of things about how she is as a person and how this dude is a person and that is lovely to see at the start of a story.
I’d known him for a little over two years. I could tell when I’d first met him that I would get a long great with him despite my mindset at the time. We’d gotten close fast and never came across any attraction or sexual tension. Now he’s like a protective older brother to me.
That sounds like a lovely story...and also I feel like that whole mindset situation is important to this somehow.
“Uh huh. You want Eggs?” I replied. He nodded and I started cooking. I wasn’t hungry but I always made him breakfast. It was part of my stale daily routine. He hopped off the counter and turned to the counter next to the sink. It was lined with small round flower pots with sprouting Mary Jane. He took out a plastic spray can and began squirting the plants with water. I finished his eggs and put the plate on the coffee table in the living room.
Could be just me but I feel like spraying would be a better word to use there that's a little bit more accurate as well.
“Munchies already?” I asked folding my arms and looking at him with an amused raised eyebrow. He nodded and scarfed down the food. I shook my head at and went back to my room.
Okay didn't quite get what that line meant but I assume that's just me being dumb.
The apartment we share is an average size two bedroom and one bathroom. It was in a nice little complex on the third and top floor. It had no elevator but good lighting. Well maybe I should say there’s a big window in the living room. There’s hardly ever enough sunlight to say good lighting. And there was also a window in the bedrooms and a small one in the kitchen. I loved it. The first day I moved in I knew instantly that the place had the perfect dreariness I wanted to carry out the rest of my days in.
That's a fairly interesting apartment that you've got right there. Definitely is a nice little sentiment as well at the end there and it feels like a decent place to end the first chapter in although its not quite as final sounding as I would have liked if you get what I mean.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall though this was a pretty darn good chapter and I like what I seen so far from this story. I would definitely read more and hopefully I do manage to actually find more chapters of it somewhere because that phone call thing was definitely quite interesting and raised some pretty interesting questions.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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