Published April 17, 2014
There is an eighteen-wheeler parked on my chest.
The eighteen-wheeler is full of elephants and anvils and other such heavy things.
The driver is the World’s Heaviest Man.
Every time he honks his horn, another wheezing breath escapes my mangled lungs and I think “This is my last.” It never is.
And that’s just how it is on Monday.
Come Tuesday, the pressure has spread to my whole body,
and I can feel my skull crush and my ribs crack under the weight of an entire world.
Wednesday, I can’t tell if the planet earth is what’s smashing my soul
Or if it’s just my hands, clenched tight around my own neck.
If I could only breathe, I’d tell myself, “Squeeze harder, please.”
Thursday and I don’t exist anymore
I am flatter than a sheet of paper
if that sheet of paper
was nonexistent.
And who would miss the girl with the wide eyes and thin hair
Fat head and slim sense of self?
But I’m still here
Slipping into the cracks in my body and lying there to sleep.
Friday
Or is it Monday again?
I’m not quite sure I know anymore
I guess days start to blend together
When you’ve been crushed to death.
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141,737 Literary Works • 675,648 Reviews
Hey there!! BitterRosemary here for a review. Let's get started!!
Okay, I really, really love this. I have a few nitpicks, however, so bear with me. At the beginning of the poem, you are extremely grammatically sound, sentence structure is great, the whole works.
"Or if it’s just my hands, clenched tight around my own neck." This is around the part where you started to loose grammtical integrity. For example, you shouldn't have capitalized the "o" in "Or if it’s just my hands, clenched tight around my own neck." it disconnect from the first part of the sentence and creates two fragments.
"Thursday and I don’t exist anymore
I am flatter than a sheet of paper
if that sheet of paper
was nonexistent."
While this is actually my favorite part of the poem, to be grammatically sound it should read:
"Thursday, I don’t exist anymore.
I am flatter than a sheet of paper,
if that sheet of paper was nonexistent."
Some of these corrections are simply my preference to create better flow, but it's your poem, and it should totally be your decision to include the changes or not.
In line 18, "Fat" should be "fat."
Lines 19-20, you might consider revising to add a comma ending 19 and decapitalizing "Slipping" in 20.
Line 24 should end in a period.
Line 26 should not be capitalized.
Again, these are only small grammatical things. Overall, I am in love with this poem. It's relatable and tells a story. Great work!!
Never quit writing!
~Bitter
Hi! there GrayLady
..
There is much pain in your piece like in someways, she's not allowed to be happy to express herself better. She carries a load of burden and she feels that no one would care if she'll be gone. I think, she must love and take care of herself because along the way someone would be more than willing to do that for her; because as they say changes start from you. If you give importance to yourself others will see and respect you for that. Thus, GOD is there whenever you're feeling down or happy.
I think you should work on wrapping the texts on the page because as I read it, some words we're cut, anyways it's a nice poem..
Keep on writing