Young Writers Society

Hey Myth!

This is the second part for the review prize part of your checklist challenge prizes. Let's dig right in.

Jack walked across the thirty-two thousand feet high platform. The platform was narrow and surprisingly empty. He looked at the twenty-four million pixel screen in front of him.

His favourite DJ was on fire on his first time on live TV.

Every note synchronized with his feelings.

A fall from this height would be long and would definitely result in certain death.

Before long, he was falling.

After all. That was one of his powers. Speed.

Seventy five percent there.

"where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?".

"Where are you?" The voice sounded sad.

His eyes widened. "What am I doing?" he asked himself.

His eyes began to glow green. His muscles tightened. His body was sorrounded by a shallow green flame. Time stopped. The fall slowed down. He was standing on the air.

There were tears on rolling down her cheeks. His eyes widened again.

He hugged his elder sister like it was the last time he'd hug anyone. He pressed her face against his chest. "I'm sorry Candy. I'm still here. It's okay."

A few minutes passed. The cab stopped. The door to his left slid up. Candace was asleep. He carried her. He stepped onto a platform and stood there. He kissed his sister on the forehead.

He had slept through the evening.

She understood him.

"100+ unread text messages"

He had skipped all his classes today. He didn’t care. There was nothing there he didn’t already know. He hated going there. He hated everyone. Everyone adored him but he could see through them. He didn’t need to use his powers to read their minds.

Jealous because of his intellect, his superior powers, his fortunes. He heard them whisper behind his back. It was his blood. It was his blood that pinned him down at the centre of all the envy.

Nothing else on the planet reached the height of this tower.

He thought about why his blood was so important.

Arachnion was the heart of the planet, and he just happened to be the heir. But that was just the beginning.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And we continue along

First Impression: Okay the pacing is a bit much there. It moves really fast. Its not so fast that it can't be understood but it still feels slightly rushed. Besides that it sounds pretty interesting so far.

Anyway let's get to it,

Jack walked across the thirty-two thousand feet high platform. The platform was narrow and surprisingly empty. He looked at the twenty-four million pixel screen in front of him. His favourite DJ was on fire on his first time on live TV. Jack knew very well what the first song from his playlist would be. In a few moments the song began to ring in his head. It began to crescendo as the crossfade effect wore of and the speakers synchronized with the music playing in his head. Daft Punk. Give Life back to Music.

The air desperately trying to push him back up against gravity. His hair was flying back, trying to elope with the air.

Seventy five percent there. That's when he heard a voice. "where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?". His eyes began to glow green. His muscles tightened. His body was sorrounded by a shallow green flame. Time stopped. The fall slowed down. He was standing on the air. He planted his feet, perpendicular to the force that was bringing him down to a gruesome fate. He began to run. It seemed like a second. He was back on the platform railing. A thin looking girl stood in front of him. There were tears on rolling down her cheeks. His eyes widened again.

He snapped out of it. He stepped forward. He hugged his elder sister like it was the last time he'd hug anyone. He pressed her face against his chest. "I'm sorry Candy. I'm still here. It's okay."

He walked her to a cab station. He looked at the levitating parking lot with its floating cars. He got in not saying a word. He took out his phone, typed something and showed it to the driver. He began to drive, or rather fly them away.

A few minutes passed. The cab stopped. The door to his left slid up. Candace was asleep. He carried her. He stepped onto a platform and stood there. He kissed his sister on the forehead.

He walked towards a door that blended in with the rest of the metal on the building. He was at least a fifty-thousand feet above the ground. Well, that's just how big the castle was. He didn't care. The door opened by itself as he approached. He walked through a large decorated hall and into a small closet.

He got up, opened the door to the closet and went to his room. He checked his phone.

"100+ unread text messages"

In truth, they were all jealous of him. Jealous because of his intellect, his superior powers, his fortunes. He heard them whisper behind his back. It was his blood. It was his blood that pinned him down at the centre of all the envy.

He looked out of the window at the starry sky. It could only be seen from his house. Nothing else on the planet reached the height of this tower.

The stars reflected off of his eyes.

He thought about why his blood was so important.

Arachnion was the heart of the planet, and he just happened to be the heir. But that was just the beginning.

Tem! I'm here to review. Let's just get into it, shall we =)

Jack walked across the thirty two thousand feet high platform. The platform was narrow and surprisingly empty. He looked at the twenty four million pixel screen in front of him. His favourite DJ was on fire on his first time on live TV. Jack knew very well what the first song from his playlist would be. In a few moments the song began to ring in his head. It began to crescendo as the crossfade effect wore of and the speakers synchronized with the music playing in his head. Daft Punk. Give Life back to Music.

Okay, Temmy, no. Just no. Look, this is a good plot and story idea but we need to talk. Why is this in italics? I know that it’s probably a way to stand out, but you can do that through exceptional writing and unforgettable characters. Let’s get to the sentence structure, the length of this paragraph and the mistakes.

You tend to jump back and forth in your paragraphs, making them feel unorganized. None of your sentences vary and this makes the flow a bit… off. Let me rewrite this first part in an easier to read, flowy way. I took the liberty of adding more descriptive adjectives, so feel free to ignore me.

Walking across the high and narrow platform, Jack gulped. It was only thirty-two thousand feet. HIs favourite DJ, who set himself on fire for his first time on live TV, would be nothing on Jack. He looked at the twenty-four million pixel screen as he mentally evaluated his playlist.

See, an easier, more varied read!

Second, the length. I don’t care if one paragraph is as long as the fifth Harry Potter book, you need to regulate it. The flow has to be good, it must be descriptive, and I don’t want to see spelling mistakes, I want nice transitions, not sloppy jumps. You can do so much better and I want to see you at your full potential!

Lastly, you made a few spelling mistakes. Thirty-two thousand should have a hyphen, along with twenty-four million. Second, you made a few general errors:

On his should be for his and of and should be off and. Moving on.







He kept walking. He realized why he liked the song so much. Every note synchronized with his feelings. He climbed onto the railing of the platform. His third power hadn't yet manifested. A fall from this height would be long and would definitely result in certain death. He waited for the song to end.

Umm, please explain. Planes generally fly at 31,000 feet, so this feels super exaggerated and over the top. 10,000 feet would be a lot,so why does it have to be so high? He may have power, but this is just overkill.

He predicted the next song. He was right after all. His anger swelled up to the battle rap. He stepped into the low pressure cyberpunk air of Autopia - the capital city of Arachnion. Before long, he was falling. The air desperately trying to push him back up against gravity. His hair was flying back, trying to elope with the air.

Watch the flow, I want to see more semicolons and fewer periods.


He was certain that half his journey was over. It was just five more kilometers. He knew because of the speed at which he was falling. After all. That was one of his powers. Speed.

Why is there a period after “after all,” that is not a whole sentence and messes up the whole flow, ruining what you could have made into a good build up with a discovery, please watch out for blunders like these.

Seventy five percent there. That's when he heard a voice. "where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?". His eyes began to glow green. His muscles tightened. His body was sorrounded by a shallow green flame. Time stopped. The fall slowed down. He was standing on the air. He planted his feet, perpendicular to the force that was bringing him down to a gruesome fate. He began to run. It seemed like a second. He was back on the platform railing. A thin looking girl stood in front of him. There were tears on rolling down her cheeks. His eyes widened again.

Where needs to be capitalized, the sentences are too short to flow well, you spelt surrounded wrong, tears rolling down is the proper way of stating that. The sentences are fragments and are too short for this, I want to see you use commas.

Oof, Grav. This is long, too long. And wordy, too wordy. I’m not rewriting it to show you, but we can work on this.


Time stopped again but just in his head.

A comma is needed after again, Temmy.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

You need to rate this 18+ if there is an F-bomb.

A few minutes passed. The cab stopped. The door to his left slid up. Candace was asleep. He carried her. He stepped onto a platform. He stood there. He kissed his sister on the forehead. He walked towards a door that blended in with the rest of the metal on the building. He was at least a fifty thousand feet above the ground. Well that's just how big the castle was. He didn't care. The door opened by itself as he approached. He walked through a large decorated hall and into a small closet. He faced a blue coloured screen. He tapped the screen with his forehead. It displayed four options. He spoke to the screen. "Candace" he said. The screen sunk into the wall and the closet door closed. The closet began to rise up and a door appeared out of the wall. "Password?" said an automated voice. "Jack" said Candace in her sleepy, tired sounding voice. It made Jack smile. The door opened. Jack walked to a bed. He placed Candace on it and lied down next to her. He pressed her face against his chest and kept on repeating the same thing.

By this point, I think you understand that the sentences are too short and too frequent. One short sentence can be impactful, but you’ve made it lose its meaning. You need to break this elephant of a paragraph into at least three, and it’s messing with your flow because you have a few short ones then this mammoth. Also, is her name Candy or Candace or is this another person, make it clearer.

In truth, they were all jealous of him. Jealous because of his intellect, his superior powers, his fortunes, and most of all, his blood.

Um, if you're trying to get us to like this Jack dude, it’s not going well. He sounds arrogant and pretentious and so far he seems a bit overrated. But congrats, your storytelling has made me genuinely feel something toward him, and that’s not easy!


He was the heir to the throne of Arachnion – the very heart of the planet. But that wasn't all.

Okay, kind of a cliffhanger to leave a chapter on, and it can be executed better.

Here is a little rewrite of that last line, give them a shock, Gravy!




Arachnion was the heart of the planet, and he just happened to be the heir. But that was just the beginning.


See, a bit more mystery and va-voom to it!


OVERALL:

Very good, story wise. I love your creativity and the personalities make it feel real. I can’t wait to get to the next part


Jade

Hey Myth! I'm here to review the first chapter, before I head to Chapter 2!

I admit I haven't read the prologue, so please forgive me if I say something stupid. (Usually prologues are designed as extra information, and not totally necessary to read to understand the rest of the book, so hopefully it'll be fine.)

Anyway, on to the review! I'll start with some nitpicks, and then I'll give you some general suggestions/comments.

Jack walked across the the thirty two thousand feet high platform. The platform was narrow and surprisingly empty. He looked at the twenty four million pixel screen in front of him. His favourite DJ was on fire on his first time on live TV. Jack knew very well what the first song from his playlist would be. In a few moments the song began to ring in his head. It began to crescendo as the crossfade effect wore of and the speakers synchronized with the music playing in his head. Daft Punk. Give Life back to Music.

Every note synchronized with his feelings.

He was right after all.

That's when he heard a voice. "where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?".

Interesting! This was a big jump from the prologue. The whole scenario is quite fascinating, and I enjoyed reading it.

Here's my review:

It was interesting that it jumped from Jack's early childhood to being older now. However, you don't say how much older. I know he's still in school, so he can't be older than eighteen.

The suicide thing was intriguing. What was that about? You had better explain sometime in the next few chapters. For now, I'm guessing it was because of his Dad being dead. It's certainly a shocker when you start reading though. It definitely got my attention.

Part l. Despair.

The twenty four million pixel screen in front of him.

A fall from this height would be long and would definitely result in certain death.

"where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?"

he thought. He thought and he thought.

He walked her to a cab station. He looked at the levitating parking lot with its floating cars. He got in not saying a word. He took out his phone, typed something and showed it to the driver. He began to drive, or rather fly them away.

"100+ unread text messages"

He looked out of the window at the starry sky. It could only be seen from his house. Nothing else on the planet reached the height of his tower.

The stars reflected off of his eyes.

But that wasn't all.

This is from the POV of Jack Frost, so I didn't expect a modern setting. That twist made this piece its own. The science fiction with the planet is something I wouldn't ever see in anything else.

I didn't read the prologue, but I will after to understand some more. Your use of strong language kind of ticked me off, but it makes sense in the context. I do not hate it. Adult words are a medium territory for me.

His powers were described like they were real with the jealousy. That is probably realistic if it happened. He was heir to a planet and that is extreme with struggles behind it. I can't wait for chapter 2 and what you have in store.

~S.M.Locke~

Hope you guys enjoy this...

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