Young Writers Society

This is Gem climbing out of her fairy garden for a review!

This is an interesting poem and I am fond of it. I like the tone of the poem, it isn't sad so much as this interesting melancholy flavor. Your word choice is intrigueing and refreshing. Words like 'Machiavellian' put beside words like 'Sanguine'. I like it, it is just enough different to make this an interesting read. I am not seeing any issues grammatical or otherwise. As long as the feeling your poem gave was the feeling it was intended to then it is fine. It gave this melancholy feel as I discussed before, like this person has detached himself from a pain that would otherwise be throbbing. Like they've tried to leave behind a part of himself. Is this what you were going for? if so you are in the clear. >.O As I said I loved it! I hope this review is helpful, but I really don't have any criticism for you. <3

This is Gem skipping on to the next. Keep writing, and using such fun words!

first things first, this was a really nice poem! i have no idea why i don't have any other words except really nice but believe me, it really was a nice poem!

honestly, i had no idea what i was reading the first time i was, but now that i've reread it again, i finally get it. i love the way that you had three different personas identified in your poem.

now i'm not great with poems, at all. mostly because i can't grasp how to write one. uh that said, i love the fact that you put the poem into three different parts. i'm going to assume that there are three seasons for the three different people you've mentioned. love that little touch!

for some reason my brain can't comprehend the meaning of really big sound words at the moment, but i searched them up and they fit really well into the poem. honestly love what you've done here. it truly is a masterpiece in my opinion!

i hope you keep on writing!! and good job! ^w^

~laynie <3

Very interesting poem! Here is the way I understood it.


There seems to be three people involved in this poem. The Machiavellian boy, the seductress, and the murdered person.

Two deaths: the one mentioned first, and the one mentioned at the end.

There is also following chronological sequence of

1. midsummer,
2. autumn
3. winter

Also three different minds

1. Pessimistic
2. Seductress
3. Residuary

A torn- apart head is a physical condition due to infliction of trauma and not a state of mind unless we consider the thoughtlessness of death a state of mind. But that doesn’t make sense since that constitutes mindlessness.

From these facts the reader must try to derive a coherent message. So the poem becomes like a puzzle which the reader is expected to solved via seeking out hints. in order to formulate a coherent story.

As a reader I don’t mind being challenged in that way. In fact, I enjoy poetry that challenges. However, not all readers enjoy being challenged and ask why it could not have been simply more direct instead of going about it in a roundabout manner.

The answer is that poetry isn’t just making direct statements, often involves meaning far more than it says and so it very often resembles a puzzle.
If indeed posing a puzzle to solve is what this poem is intended to do then it has succeeded with flying colors.

My understanding? Sanguine means bloody. So the nights are bloody. There is a person in those nights who is pessimistic. Is it the boy mentioned later or that of the victim? I know that there has been a death caused by head trauma.

Prior to it an ambitious boy is mentioned who seems to be connected to machivelian eyes. That would seem to indicate that he is the murderer. There is a blinding of eyes which accompanies the torn-apart head.

How the light is involved and what is its source is enigmatic. The end of dreams happens to all that die. A seductress is introduced after the death. Sems asif she is in cahoots with the Machivelian boy. She is the key to the violent boy’heart?

Did she instigate or motivate him to do it in someway? Seduce him?
Did she plan it? Diamond eyes might indicate she did it for money.
The last stanza is the most difficult to reconcile into this story.

The phrase residuary mind is problematic because it is extremely vague.
How is this mind residuary? Whose mind? Is it the boy’s? Or is it the Seductress’s mind? Whose eyes are in the dark. Who dies? Is it the boy or the seductress?
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Definition of Machiavellian
1: of or relating to Machiavelli or Machiavellianism
2: suggesting the principles of conduct laid down by Machiavelli
specifically : marked by cunning, duplicity, or bad faith
https://www.merriam-webster.com/diction ... hiavellian


Interesting poem. Thanks for sharing.

Dark and deep.. I like it very much

This was an interesting read!

I really liked your imagery and word choice here. A few honorable mentions to add onto what EthanHoover mentioned: "pessimist", "seductress", "residuary". The overall tone of the poem felt quite dark, mysterious, and intriguing, which I enjoyed. What I thought was a nice touch was your progression through each of the seasons, which although small, made me go, "Ooh, motifs!" along with your mention of eyes and what I assume to be a progression of the boy's state. Patterns are... so good.

However, I was at first incredibly confused on what the poem was about, but after reading and re-reading, I deleted this whole spiel about "lack of topic", haha. I believe—and call me out if I'm wrong!—that this is telling the story of a boy who is hoping to achieve this dream (or a relationship with a girl, seeing as you mentioned a seductress) but failing despite his ambition. Then, he died a little inside. We can all relate, right?

What I would say though is that although I was able to get the gist of the message, I don't think the amount of time it took for me to reach that point was necessarily a good thing. Make of that what you will, I guess! I think what I would recommend for future poems is to keep in mind that although ambiguity is a strong choice to make that can change the meaning of a poem, it can make readers almost frustrated. Audience comprehension is very important in writing!

Despite that, I did enjoy this poem! I hope what I said helps in any way!

Hey there, Ethan here for another review!

Another great poem here, I love the powerful words you chose, like ''sanguine'' and ''Machiavellian.'' I also felt that it flowed very well, keeping my attention on the poem until you were finished. All in all, a wonderful piece! The only error I noticed(don't worry, it's extremely minor) was a improper capital ''T'' in the line ''A Torn apart head.'' And while I'm thinking about it, you might play with a hyphen there, too(''A torn-apart head''), but that's a stylistic choice, not an error.

So like I said, great poem! Keep up the good work, and good luck with the rest of NaPa(and with April Madness)!