The stars were beautiful
That night
So lovely
So bright
And so was she
That night
So vivid
So white
Why did I fright?
That night
So luminous
So bright
Was I scared?
To be paired?
With such a girl?
So right
She was waiting
I was watching
Behind the clouds
That night
As I came,
Around the mountains
So bright
That night
She was shining
So bright
So white
That night
Then she left
Not right
Behind the mountains
That night
I was alone
that day
shinning bright
all day
The stars were dull
That day
Yelling long
All day
For the moon
That day
So bright,
But no night
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138,799 Literary Works • 672,306 Reviews
Okay…
Let me start off by explaining how much I love poetry. I will sit and read George Orwell’s poetry on a Saturday night, I do have a life but I actually put it on hold for things like poetry. Everyone knows journalism is novelists in a hurry. I believe poetry is storywriters with no patients. Not that I’m saying the best poems are written in under ten minutes, but, when you stop and think about it, the best ideas for a poem typically happen in a blink of an eye. The actually writing can take forever, but that one simple moment that holds the idea to write a poem about a heartbreak, for the writer, that raw emotion for that exact idea will only come once.
This may be my own personal opinion, but I really only got three lines out of your poem,
and--
I am not saying these lines are bad, I just think you got so caught up in the repetition that you lost the actual point of the poem. I also believe you are one of those people that require two rhymes in every verse. That also is not bad, but I think that’s where your repetition surfaced from. You were so focused on making your poem rhyme like a poem should (which I don’t agree with) that you lost track of writing your truthful poem.
I didn’t get any setting in this piece, any reason they were there that night, I didn’t learn who they were, I didn’t know why they were together to begin with. Maybe it was a dream? I didn’t know.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
I didn’t gain any information from your poem. I understand the point was to describe that night but other than saying that night ten times there really wasn’t much else to this poem. I am not saying you need to use words like conciliatory in your poem. Or words that are thirty letters long, small word choice is sometimes best, but there was no one word that really hooked me. Word choice, I believe, is a large part of poetry, and writing in general. Think of it this way, every line in a poem is like a chapter in a book. Make the reader gain something, whether it be vital to your poems point or just interesting, in every line, just like they would gain at least one thing in a chapter of a book.
Good luck!
Keep Writing
~SnowBerry.
Yes, I agree with the ones who said above me that the rhyme scheme was not well worked out, which actually made the poem a bit boring. But, the narration was nicely done and those short lines were very attractive. Nice work. I liked it!
I actually really liked it! Sure, the rhyme scheme wasn't very consistant and it was a little repetitive, but the imagery was really good. I loved its simplicity and freeness. Very well done.
Keep writing,
~Crim
It was very repetitive because of how often you rhymed with the same sound, and that made dulled the story a little for me. I like your use of imagery though, it's imaginative and people can connect.
I swear to God, this had to be one of the funniest pieces that I have read in a long long time. Your lyrics are simple yet expressive and detailed. I found the shortness of the lines quite intriguing, yet, then again, you probably wanted them that way. On the other hand, your use of the word fright here, in my opinion is wrong:
I would also avoid the repetition of the same words, since I believe that repeating the same word twice in a poem makes it weaker. Unless, of course, you are making sure of repeating the same lines.
Your poem was enjoyable to me, yet I wouldn't call it a serious or original piece.
Keep up the good work