Published May 21, 2011
This week has been too complicated.
Hearing "6742" down the halls ruined my self esteem.
Now I can't handle the pain; my shoulders are weighted.
And everyone ruined my chance, my one chance, at that dream.
Just one action is what got me,
And left me with this embarrassment.
No one has mercy, or hears my plea.
It’s as if my heart now has a dent.
But all that I think about
Is if he knows.
Does he believe me, or does he doubt?
My curiosity grows and grows.
I wish he would just talk.
He hasn’t said a word.
And now down that hallway, everyday, I walk.
But my heart, feelings, and vision are all blurred.
If you’re out there, please just listen.
I never wanted this to complicate matters.
Just tell me – how can your eyes still glisten
As each day, for me, gets sadder?
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,422 Reviews
(Took out a comma here)
Try to think of something more poetic for this last line?
I like this line - I don't know why but I do
(Took out the 'just' here)
Pretty good poem but I think you need to be a bit more delicate in some places as some words are kind of blunt-seeming. Also your ending could use some work, the last stanza has lots of the bluntness....
Overall pretty good though, I got what you were saying - that's always a plus!
Keep writing,
Alzora
breannarh covered most things, so I've only got one thing to add:
Poems don't have to rhyme. I think maybe you should try out some different poetic styles and forms for this, because your rhymes mostly seem quite forced, and you don't really have any set rhythm either. I think if you tried blank verse, or free verse, or something this might be better.
I think a lot of this could be made stronger if you took out the bits that are just statements and express them instead with imagery or symbolism of some sort. Because the emotions are certainly here, and it is certainly easy to feel the heart that you put into this, I just think that if some things were communicated more literally than figuratively, it would add more impact, strengthen the spine of the poem, if that makes any sense. I'm sure this has so much more potential that you could tap-- it's nice right now, but I'm sure with some patient reworking of it, you've got something that could become beautiful here.