Published December 5, 2004
She was beat 11 times,
By her father-she thinks
She was afraid,
Oh yes she was,
She could not even blink.
But listen to her, just right now,
"It wasn't like a spankin',
I believe I was abused, most definately,
More than you could ever Imagine."
As her father raised his hand, to beat her the 12th time,
She gave him that "No daddy look",
And tears streamed out his eyes.
"So he took me in his arms,
and begged me not to tell"
I promised that she wouldn't,
although my feelings about such weren't to well.
"But I felt as if my dad,
needed a time to be free.
He needed this time to think,
on what Jesus did on Calvary."
She really stood right here and said,
With her parents in her sight,
that that was one powerful time,
When daddy accepted Jesus, That Night.
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Canary word: Present
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I don't think it was terrible, but it wasn't what I'd call a good poem, either. As others have said, the errors and forced rhymes detracted from it. Also, it was a bit incoherent. Was it a Christian poem about an abusive man becoming nice after converting? If so, I'm a Christian, and I don't think that's the way it works.
That's my best interpretation, but like I said, I don't really know what it's about because of the downright messy syntax.
Sorry.
I'd encourage you to brush up on your grammar and spelling, and then try writing again.
Ignore him. Yes, it does have errors here an there, but poems aren't about structure or grammar. They're about feeling. Emotion. Your poem, the message in it, is very breathtaking. I mean, I did have to break a bit a few times and it is choppy, but I think that adds to the subject of the poem itself.
Overall---4/10 I've seen worse.
This was a very poor example of poetry. Unfortunately, as Soy has pointed out, there are many, many mistakes in it. Generally dialogue in poems is quite difficult to pull off successfully without it sounded jumpy and bad. I'm not sure if some of the rhymes are intentional, as they are either bad attempts at rhymes or bad accidents. Whiever, this poem needs some serious work to be pulled off well.
um...dear deity...what to say without sounding like a biotch...forget it, I'm cramping, here comes the vil twin.
This was bad. Straight out. Cliche, over done, heard it a thousand times, written poorly, forced rhyme, dragged out lines to make the rhymes fit, flat out BAD. The basic format might be salvagable, maybe a line or two, like that Jesus-Calvary one (though I don't understand it, it might work if it's a cool, legitimate story), but over all, I'm sorry, I felt like I was wading through mush.
FORCED RHYMING ALERT! FORCED RHYMING ALERT! BEEP BEEP!
Seriously, if the rhyme doesn't come naturally, don't force a poem to rhyme unless it's a stupid one for a school assignment. Which I'm guessing this isn't.
I don't think you meant to put look in quotes.
Forgive me for being ignorant, but what did Jesus do on Calvary?
I like the concept, but you could use some better word choice, like others said, and I would prefer to see it as a free verse.
i agree im afraid... main point right now is that 'imagine' needs
changing to something else i think - it doesnt seem to fit in here
anyway...
i also wasnt too sure who was talking some of the time.. confused
me just a little...
I thought it was pretty good. It was definitely a touching story, but I think it could use more description to make the meaning more clear and more powerful. Also, your verbs were a little.. bland I guess I should say and could me more specific. I think it would be better if you really searched your mind and found the verb that fit exactly how you wanted it to and gave the right feeling. It was good though... very nice indeed.
-writersdomain
Powerful, simple, and effective.
I'm always the last to review these poems and can't find anything that hasn't been said...
"I believe I was abused, most definately," Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I feel this line is too long..oh, and the word is definitely.
I think that it was good in concpet and layout. Like the beat was good, but I just think the words of this poem didn't quite get across the severity of the issue.
ut listen to her, just right now,
"It wasn't like a spankin',
I believe I was abused, most definately,
More than you could ever Imagine."
Also in that Imagine really stuck out. I think this could be amazing but some things need to be tweaked which i'm sure you can notice.
That's funny how y'all said "...I had a little bit of trouble on who was speaking without quotes...", because I don't even know
But thanx for the cpmments!
Such a sad story that happens to children everywhere. I had a little bit of trouble on who was speaking without quotes, but I thought it was really good. And it kept my attention!
I agree.. it confused me a bit, I didn't know who was talking when the speech wasn't in quotes. Still, it was pretty good.. I don't know, I think Myriadne said it all lol.
Keep in mind that everything I say here is my opinion. I really think this is in need of a significant re-write. Your changes between first and second person could work if simplistic but as it stands I found them really confusing especiallly in the fourth stanza. Also your rhymes are very forced and in most cases detract from the seriousness of the issue being dealt with, lines like "she could not even blink" which seem to be there just to fit in with the rhyme scheme in my opinion really reduce the value of the poem. This piece however does have a lot of potential and I would love to see it re-worked.