Young Writers Society

Hello there I m Kostia and I m here to give you a brief review for your poem.

The rhymes really don't make any sense to me. At first you gave me the impression that you were going to use rhymes in your poem in some pattern. However as I kept reading it started to feel like any rhyme you had in your poem was accidental and it really seemed a bit chaotic to me. It really ruined the structure of the poem you should fix that when you edit this. Let me note here that there is nothing wrong with not using rhymes at all if this is not your thing. But what you ve done here really makes the entire poem look bad which is unfortunate because the meaning is simple and concise, easy for the reader to relate to. Moreover due to that any repetition you used seemed out of place and did not fit in as smoothly as it could if your rhyming was consistent.

For instance:

I saw the batsmen hitting,
I saw the bowlers crying,
I saw the crowd yelling,
I saw the sky weeping.

This would look so much better if the rhyming was consistent.

In some stanzas I noticed you used the same words at the end of each verse (I don't know if this was in purpose or not but I wasn't really fond of it.)
For instance:

"It hit the bails and got the batsman out,
I yelled out."

and

"I thought he could have been patient enough,
But we are always hasty enough!"

It seemed a bit strange to me when I read those lines. However it could be due to the whole structure of your poem as I previously mentioned. If you take care of the rhyming it may look better. However if I was you I would try to eliminate those repetitions with the use of other words or different sequence.

Overall I really think this poem can get better however you need to edit it and decide whether to use rhymes or not, if you can't be consistent I would recommend not to use rhymes, keep some of the repetitions and change some of your wording to make your poem look cleaner and concise.

Keep writing!

Hey there, Eli here on this lovely review day to review your work!

To be honest, I am no good with poetry so my complains might be just questions or misunderstandings thanks to my lack of review of poetry so much compared to the amount of reviews I have done on short stories, novels and all that jazz. But I still hope you find this small lovely review useful and maybe help you find something in your work that you can perfect even more and make the work even better.

I know that rhymes are not needed for one work to seem well built, polished or whatever you want to call it. But if you start with rhymes, be sure to go all the way with them. The thing I noticed being the main problem in this work is that the rhymes are not consistent, they are not forced though! The problem is in their placement more than in the words you used to rhyme. In one stanza, you rhyme first and third line, second and fourth line. In the next, you rhyme first with second, third with fourth. I read this out loud! And it makes me pause and look at it like "Hey, did I read it wrong? It makes no sense with the flow from earlier." this was me to be honest from the very beginning.




I saw the batsmen hitting,
I saw the bowlers crying,
I saw the crowd yelling,
I saw the sky weeping.

Just lines who start the same way, I know that you want to put a strong impact and tell us how important this part is. But it just makes it annoying. You can easily use -ing form to rhyme everything. It goes fine but there is creativity to it.



I then switched that Idiot box off,
To get my homework done well.
I feared the painful whips of,
My furious English teacher.


Why idiot is with a capital? This stanza is the one I can not get over with. No rhymes, no flow. Though it makes sense and have some meaning to it. Maybe it is just presented badly.




The fools didn't know,
That their time is low,
And came to seek pleasure,
Leaving their work in displeasure.

The last two lines just feel too forced to me. Maybe it is because instead of a original rhyme, you just used the same word with dis-.


Without those things, the concept is simple. It shows us how the world we live in is a full game that we are the batsman of. And that we can fail so easily, and everyone will know that. But we can also shine brightly and win this game!


Keep on writing!