Published January 8, 2010
Once home, I dragged myself through the front door, sleep taking hold of my body.
“Hey Pumpkie!” Greeted my mom, spinning around in her computer chair to smile up at me, her hazel eye sparkling into mine. “How was your day?’
“Fine, I bought some new clothes.” I answered dully.
She checked her watch, “Well, I’m glad you and your friends had fun, but it’s 11:52 at night. Why don't you go to bed and get some sleep?”
“Okay,” I yawned, stumbling down the narrow hall to the last door on the right and opened it, “Good night, Mom!” I called, shutting my door. My room was a mess; clothes and papers were scattered all over the cold, hardwood floor. ‘I should really clean this place up.’ I sighed heavily, ‘Oh well, guess I’ll do it tomorrow.’
Kicking off my shoes and crawling into bed and curling up in my warm blue and brown blankets, I fell asleep into a peaceful dreamland.
The next day came sooner then I was hoping for. I was woken up by the screaming of the house phone. Rolling over, still in a daze I fell out of bed, taking my sheets with me, "Ouch!" I groaned, before dragging myself into the living room, “Hello?’ I answered.
A woman’s voice come through the other end, “Yes, Miss. Blackthorn? This is the hospital. We have your Mother here and were hoping that you to come down and see her.”
My heart sank into my stomach as she spoke. It was deja vu all over again, “Excuse me, but can you tell me what happened?”
“Oh yes, sorry, she had a car crash.” the nurse replied.
My body froze up as the phone slipped through my trembling fingers, ‘A-A car crash?’ the words repeated in my mind, ‘This can’t be happening to me, not now.’
“ Hello, Miss are you still there?” Asked the lady on the other end.
I picked up the phone again and held it up to my ear once more, “Sorry, I’ll Be there soon.” I reassured her. Once I hung up I amenably dialed Zach’s number, my pulse raced as it rang
“Hey Ari, what’s up?’ His kind, familiar voice calmed me down as I explained my situation. Silence was exchanged between once I finished, “Okay baby, I’ll call the girls and Brady, meanwhile you get over to your mom.” He commanded sternly.
“Thanks Zach, I love you so much.”
"Love you too, see you soon,” and the line went dead.
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Canary word: Present
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
And yet again... another short chapter
Oh well. Dude let me just say something I don't liker her mom she seems to be more interested in her computer then her kid (kinda sounds like my mom) lol sorry got side tracked but yeah short but good. Hey, do you think you could review some of my stuff I just posted up my first chapter and i want to know what you think about. Well I'm going to finish reading the next chapter of your store. Hope to hear from you soon. 
Hi GothicButterfly. Nice job on the story. You did really well.
Okay, there are a few punctuation errors here. I would put a comma after 'home' and a period after 'mine'. So then it looks like this...
My suggestion here would be to end the first sentence at night, then capitalise the W, and add a question mark. Something like this..
Only a tiny error here. You have a run on sentence. It would be smart to put a period after phone, especially since you change what you're talking about for a moment. So somthing like this.
It needs to be woman's voice, since I guess it's one lady? Also, you need to start a new paragraph when you bring in new dialogue. For punctuation, I would put a period after end, paragraph the dialogue, a question mark after Blackthorn, lowercase mother, and a period after hospital. It would look like this.
Lower case heart. I think you meant sank, right? It might be good to put a period after spoke, and start a new sentence ending before the dialogue starts. Then, when the nurse is talking, put a commma after sorry. Then you need to capitalise the T.
One little thing, you forgot line. No worries though.
Well, I have to say, this is coming along really well! You're doing a great job, and it's a really good story. Keep working on it! Gold star for you.
Lucy Pennykettle