Published January 6, 2010
The warm breeze whipped across my pale face, blowing my blond and black hair everywhere as I stepped out onto the porch, where my three friends; Zoey, Clair, and Kate, sat waiting for me. “Hey guys, sorry about the wait.” I apologized as I walked to my electric blue Volvo, unlocked it and got in.
“Yeah, yeah, lets’ just go, the boys have called my cell about ten times now.” Sighed Zoey, sliding into the passenger seat next to me, as Kate and Clair climbed in the back and fastened on their seat belts.
I drove out of the driveway and headed toward the mall. The ride was a short and a loud one, with Zoey and Kate debating about which is better Harry Potter or Twilight (which in my opinion, Harry Potter wins, just the thought of sparkling Vampires made me want to throw the book across the room.)
As we parked in front of J.C Penney and stepped out into the blinding sun, two boys strolled up to us, “Hey Baby, ’bout time you showed up.” Greeted Clair’s Football player boyfriend, Brady embracing her with a passionate kiss on the lips.
Zoey gave a little gagging noise as the couple let go of each other long enough to shoot death glares at the green eyed Blacked haired Goth, who rolled her eyes as they locked lips again. Kate and I laughed at them all, as two warm hands covered my bright blue eyes, “Guess who?” whispered a filmier voice in my ear.
I spun around and kissed the man behind me. His hands moved from my face to the back of my neck, deepening the kiss. When we let go for air I smiled up at the Platinum, blond-haired, boyfriend of three years, Zach, staring back down at me.
“Hey Sexy.” I greeted wrapping my arms around one of his firmer ones, giving him another kiss as the six of us walked into the bustling mall.
“So what’s first on the list?” asked Kate, awing at all the different shops and stores, a drip of drool rolled down her chin as her eyes locked on the Borders Book Store.
Zoey sighed as she wiped the spit off of her mouth, “Down girl,” she ordered, “you’re slobbering on my new shoes.” The gang laughed as Kate snapped out her trance and blushed like cherry, which made us laugh even harder. Zach’s stomach roared loudly, causing us all to stop and look at him.
“Well, I guess I know where we’re going.” Joked Brady, giving his best friend a knowing look as Clair answered, “The Food Court.” Right on cue everybody's stomachs growled in agreement and our quest for food began.
At the food court, we sat around talking about our school plans and goals for our sophomore year at Blue Water High. When suddenly the air was filled with 'Schitzo’ by Brokencyde blasting out of my cell phone. I dug through my purse pulling out a tube of Carmex, my favorite shade lip gloss, my car keys, and my wallet before finding my cell and flipping it open, “Ello, Ari speaking,” I answered, “Oh, hi Mom what’s up?”
“Ariel Rain Blackthorn, where the hell are you?!” screamed my mom. I held the Phone away from my ear as she continued to rant at me, causing my friends to chuckle under their breath.
“Mom, Mom, calm down I’m fine, I left a note on your computer giving you the details of where I was, who I’m with and what I’m doing.”
“Well I didn’t look there yet, I’m sorry dare, have fun, love you ,bye.”
‘ Yeah, maybe if you paid a bit more attention to detail and listen to me once in a while, we wouldn’t have is problem.’ I thought to myself as the line went dead.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Okay so this is my first replay and I have to say cooool~! I really want to read more.
Hey, Gothic Butterfly. I'm Jenna, and I will be your reviewer for today. I read chapter six, enjoyed it but didn't know exactly what was going on, and so I decided to go back and start at the beginning. Anyway, what I usually do in my reviews is start with a list of minor corrections to make, and then tell you what I thought about the story as a whole.
The first sentence is a bit of an information overload. Try starting off with some action and work into the description later.
should be let's since it's short for let us.
quick lesson about tagging dialogue: the tags are part of the sentence. You lose the period, and don't capitalize the first letter of the tag. So it should be, ...you showed up," greeted Clair's and so on.
Correct:
"Hey," she said.
Incorrect:
"Hey." She said.
Black shouldn't be capitalized.
When the character says, "Hey Sexy," you should fix the tag the way I showed you how to.
This looks like a great start! I'd like to see a bit more plot, but I'm sure I will when I read the rest of the chapters. See if you can make each one a bit longer; it ended just when I started getting into it. Also, give each character different quirks and ways of speaking so that they're easier to tell apart.
Thanks for posting, and let me know if anything in my critique doesn't make sense.
Hello GothicButterfly. Nice job with the story. There are a few things though that need to be fixed...
Okay.. so you say 'waiting on me', it might be better to say waiting for me. Also, you have two commas when you only need one. And actually, it might be better to end that with a period because you go into dialogue and you have a pretty long sentence as it is. So a period, and then dialogue, and after 'wait', put a comma, and keep going. It adds an easier flow. So something like.... “Hey guys, sorry about the wait,” I apologized as I walked to my electric blue Volvo, unlocked it, and got in.
This sentence is kind of repetitive. You say one quite a few times. You might want to say 'the ride was a short and loud one.'
So, when you do dialogue, when you end with a period, you capitalise the word after the quote marks. So it would be; 'bout time you showed up.'Greeted... and so on, or you can do another comma after up and just leave it how it is.
With this dialogue, you don't have to start a new paragraph to continue the conversation. It would look like this.... “Down girl,” She ordered,“you’re slobbering on my new shoes.”Oh, and when you finish saying 'girl' and do the comma, she is lowercase.
Here, it would be best to have a comma after cue, and don't space apart your commas. Put them right next to the word. You might also want to rephrase that sentence. Something like.. Right on cue, everybody's (Or all of our, etc..) stomachs growled in agreement...
Okay, a couple comma errors here. Put one after food court, and lower case food court. Then, put a period after High. You might want to swap out when, and put it with something like... Suddenly, the air was filled with.... That way it doesn't make a run-on.
You have another run on here. After you say open, change it to a period. And I think you mean speaking, correct?
Saying just 'mom' is kind of unusual. It might sound better to say my mom, but you pick.
When you write down thinking to yourself, it's best to italicise the words so we can tell them apart.
Well, you did a great job with this story! It flows along really well and I enjoyed reading it! I hope I didn't bore you to death with this review! All of my comments are simply suggestions, so you do what you want with them. Great job!
Lucy Pennykettle
Hey i think its good, especially since your only 14. I like the start
its realistic to what modern girls would talk about. I found two spelling mistakes : did you mean shoot? and did you mean calm?