Published June 1, 2008
Wow this is practically short and sweet and to the point lol.
This was a nice little poem you got her.
This line here I liked...
"I would use my tongue along your leg." This is good use of imagery.
You have good poem elements in here very nice job that's all I got to say.
See you around GRL/ GordonRamsayLuver
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Adolescent males drive me insane. The first stanza was interesting.
Your poems would benefit so much from never invoking the second person.
And staying universal instead of crashing down to your specific love object.
You remind me so much of Kierkegaard sometimes.
I really like this because it has a sort of spoken word vibe - I don't really know what the term would be for it, technically, but it's easy to hear it read aloud in my head. It's impossible not to.
I know who Lorca is, but the reference, along with everything following it in that stanza, went completely over my head.
I really liked the consonance in "coalesce and disappear." This is a neat piece, very bold.
1. Like Luther is unnecessary. After your other fairly dense allusions, let's hope your audience gets that one.
2. Having followed your poetry, I know you have mostly abandoned texture in your poems. Yet I still find it difficult to read a poem when the texture is rough. I'm not sure if I am being clear.
3. The "OK, I'll do that anyway" doesn't thrill me either. It confuses the tone for me. Perhaps it is supposed to be a clue to the tone, and I misread the poem. In that case, this comment will self-destruct.
4. I like inclement as a verb. Cool.
5. The separation of the stanzas works, except the second stanza doesn't seem to be quite as cohesive, and makes the whole structure less potent. I really think if you took out that OK line you'd be much better off.
Overall, interesting as always. I'd like to see more letters to Delphi.