Hi there Gooseluck (to be honest I still haven't gotten to that username so if i ever mention your name again in this review it's going to be Cassie, haha). This is Kays here delving in for a review because it's finally Friday night and I probably should've done a review this morning despite my tiredness.
I remember bits and pieces of this poem? I don't remember the original piece and I don't remember in whole so for the most part I'll be reviewing off of what's here. I noticed that this piece doesn't use ending punctuation such as periods which seems to be a trend in your poetry lately (your preferred style of punctuation rules at the moment to keep commas and semicolons and all that jazz but to cut out the periods?) which is interesting.
Seeing as I also said the word 'piece(s' three times in this one paragraph, I want to reinforce Lumi's suggestion to swap one or two of the word 'piece(s)' out to a synonym for better flow. Instead of the last line ending with 'shattered pieces' at the end of the first stanza I highly suggest changing to 'shattered surface' which holds a lot more of a flow and is stronger but to be honest, changing that in general will help the stanza become what the stanza needs to be. After that, the first stanza is done and well-executed. Nice job on that.
That part doesn't need too much enhancing and in contrast, the interlude line about icy hot daggers shooting down the throat of the speaker does. The problem is that two adjectives are used and while that's fine, perhaps one word that meant both or a metaphor that matched up with ice being so hot that said ice burns may work better than that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that the line is supposed to be 'shoot down my throat' at the end. The second stanza works but can be worded better for a stronger impact because the transitioning between the first and second line is a little awkward.
Finally the third stanza is pretty hard hitting. While the sixth and seventh lines can be worded better there (is there a pattern here that there's a few lines here and there that are off that are holding the poem back from being absolute). Other than that, I'm not quite sure about the meaning of the last stanza? The speaker of the poem lives under the moon because the person is hiding from the sun? Am I missing a part of this piece? I feel as if I am with the end and that's another aspect that can be fixed up--making this more cohesive even though this is pretty consistent throughout we're not quite there. I don't fully understand the themes but that be only on my end, haha.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
Donate