Young Writers Society

Hi there Blister! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this is an interesting concept for a poem. I love a good narrative piece, and I like how you're taking on a rather dark story.

That said, there's a few ways I'd think this could be improved. For one thing, the rhyme could be really effective, creating a sort of creepy sing-songy effect to contrast with the dark storyline. However, rhyme is really tricky to do well, as it's not just about matching the ending words. It also has to do with meter, or how the syllables work together. If one line is much longer than the line it's rhyming in, it can be hard to read and affect the flow of the poem. For example:

Neither he does sell them,

not he beat them up.

He just came twice a day,

giving a plate full of food and water laid in a cup.

The fourth line is so much longer than the second that it kind of feels like you were hunting for a rhyming word. When you read it out loud, the last line feels rushed. The best way to improve the flow of a poem (rhyming or free verse) is to read it out loud. The ear can hear things that look okay on paper but sound weird or awkward when spoken.

There's quite a few grammar/spelling errors, but those can take time to go through, so I won't unless you want more in-depth editing on that. The one that really sticks out though, is "cocked" instead of "cooked", so I would definitely fix that.

Now back to the plot line. I like the overall concept, but I find myself with a lot of questions. For one thing, why is Blister doing this? He's chained them in the woods and feeds them just once a day, but doesn't appear to be doing anything else with them. I'm also wondering how they managed to communicate well enough to organize a hunger strike when they're in separate cells and then managed to physically overpower him in the end. Did he let them out so they'd be together in the hunger strike? Also the ending where's there's randomly a rival king in their old town feels too far out of left field and takes the focus away from the story. A more interesting ending might be to have them return, everything looks familiar, but they've been forgotten and no one recognizes them.

I feel like you could go in two different directions with this. One would be focusing more on the boys as protagonists. Who are they? Did they know each other (or Buster) before the kidnapping? How do they interact being in different cells? How do they move from scared to defiant? What are their feelings as they make it back home?

The other way you could move is focusing more on our villain. What are his motives? His past? How and why does he kidnap the boys? How does he feel when the boys start refusing the food, and then as he realizes they've overpowered him? It is hard to get all this in a poem, but if you word things well and cut filler, it can still have an impact and not get too rambly.

I know I've been a bit harsh, but I really do like this idea, and there's a lot you can do with it. There's also some great lines in here, like

and pledge to not let the food roll down their chest.

was to escape before the sun of next day burns.

Overall, I do hope you continue to take risks and tell interesting stories through your poems. Keep writing!