#MotherIndia
Pity that still the people's condition remains the same where the poor remains poor!
Pity that still India is getting corrupted by those fraud politicians!
Pity that still religious crimes happen here!
Pity that still we dont get the equal respect from those higher officials!
Hoping someday this would all change!
Its high time for us, The people to change our mind & views.
Hoping someday we could make a change.
Respecting the Soldiers who fight for our lives every moment.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this isn't quite so much a story as it is a bit of a neat little call to action here and I think you've done quite a decent job here. Its very different from the pieces that I have seen on here, there aren't too many pieces that focus more on the real world than anything else, and I think its a rather powerful message that you're trying to send here with this particular one.
The repetition there of the word pity and the general theme it creates is an interesting one. Rather than being a bit of a forceful call to action or anything of that particular vein, this feels much more like something of a mourning here for the problems that are being pointed out and the ideas here are presented through that veil of sadness. It makes for a very interesting choice I think.
The ending is also a surprisingly nice note, paying tribute to those who help shape things to be better and sort of calling people to fix those problems so they can enjoy the peace that has been hard earned. I think overall, its a very simple piece, but a surprisingly powerful one here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, GokulRajendran! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review
First of all, I was intrigued by this. I found the idea interesting, I'm no expert on the world's problems, but I praise you for writing something like this—there needs to be more awareness for matters as such.
However, there were a few tiny faults with this. For instance:
At the end of the line, you write "where the poor remains poor", I felt that the repeated word of "poor" did not match the flow. I would suggest changing the repeated word, but also the line overall didn't quite work well. It should be something like this:
But also, I felt like "Pity..." should not have been the opening line/word. I would have placed "It is a" before pity. It would make the flow of this work better.
I would also suggest making this work a poem, it doesn't appear to fit into the "short story" category, based on its language and presentation/structure. For what you're aiming for, it would be much more effective for this to be a poem.
Lastly, I think this needed more detail. Again, I'm no expert on the world's problems, but I can say I know enough to state that most of the things you have covered are worldly issues and you are bound to find them happening in most countries. Poverty (poor) most definitely, along with politicians. You need to specify exactly whyIndia is special. This poem is centred around India so you must make sure it makes India a special case; suggest why India has the worst situation out of all other countries.
Whilst the poem was good, overall I felt as though I wasn't affected. Everyone tries to cover this subject and we all know about world problems. Every country has them, as a writer you need to manipulate the readers emotions. Stating the problems isn't enough.
I hope this helped. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this
Keep Writing!
-ScytheMeister
Scythemeister,
I would take further issue with your assessment that "the poor remain poor" should be changed to "the poor remain in heavy povery"%u2014isn't that saying the same thing twice? Repetition takes away from the impact of a sentence, and thus the meaning.
I would argue instead that it be changed to either "the poor remain so", yet even that does not seem sufficient. "The poverty-stricken remain so." adds a bit more of a punch to it, because poor is a relatively fluid term, while poverty strongly denotes images of destitution, which is, I think, the point of this line.
I enjoy reading your reviews.
xoxo~LK
Hey there! Shey here to review this piece!
Admittedly, I'm not very familiar with the state India's in, so I can comment much on the content. I can tell this means a lot to you, and that there is a lot of emotion behind the words, however.
I will comment on the way it's delivered, because that is a huge factor in getting people to relate with the words.
This read a lot like a poem, but you tried for it to be short story-like, and listed it as a short story. My suggestion would be to make it poetry through and through.
It's a lot easier making people feel emotion at the words you write with poetry, because you're not bound by traditional English rules. Individual words can have their own sentence, to add emphasis, and you can forget about punctuation, putting the focus on the words, not on everything else.
Overall, awesome story with a lot of emotion! I enjoyed it. My only comment is to put as much emphasis on the words using poetry as possible. Great job! Adieu!
-Shey
Hi this is Sapphireluna and I just wanted to say, that even though this isn't a review, these words are completely true and it makes me absolutely depressed to see the state India is in right now.
It was a good and truthful read, thanks for writing!
XXX,
sapphireluna