Hey Atlas, here to review your poem!
So I do like the premise of the poem, while the first stanza was a bit generic, the angels smoking thing was really different. It felt like a poem that didn't quite commit to being humorous or just unsettling, and just a little sacrilegious too. It reminds me of some of LordWolf's work - with the unexpected, & somewhat subversive blend of faith and life.
So let's take a look at each stanza.
Stanza 1 -
as mentioned, the first stanza describing the storm felt a little generic. Even the phrasing "assaulted my senses" felt a little too formal for the moment that was supposed to be scary. I think the poem could benefit from a little onomatopoeia for the thunder & lightening, or some interesting storm metaphor to build up the storm a bit more and really make it seem scary.
Stanza 2 -
imagery is better here, and I really like the way you go right into "momma told me" rather than "and then my mother told me" -- it makes it seem more like a child, and also puts the reader more in the present action. The lowercased "g" in "God" also puts a little hint that the poem might be moving to being a bit subversive too. I like the line breaks a lot, and I normally don't like poems to be centered - but I think with the way the lines were fairly varied in length the centering actually worked well.
Stanza 3 -
Very matter-of-fact, it's edging towards being humorous.
I wonder if you could draw the moment out a bit more - with this stanza just being 2 lines. I don't really know how you could make it funnier, but either drawing it out, or just making the stanza be solely "but I hate bowling" - to really highlight the humor more.
Stanza 4 -
I don't know why the poem is diverging into formal language again with the "ceased" - it doesn't feel like something a kid would say after a moment of being scared.
I like lightning smile - that's clever without being too puny - and was good use of imagery too. One thing I don't get though, is how angels smoking would be an explanation for thunder? It doesn't really make sense to me? Maybe it could be their lighters snapping as they lit up cigarettes in heaven? I think there needs to be a more obvious connection in there.
Stanza 5 -
It's a cute image, like that'd be a really interesting painting - and is just laced with this good contrast of innocence and misbehaving / really nice. But the problem is I don't get the logic of the poem - like is the grandfather saying, they're bowling in heaven during storms, but they're also smoking - like ... why would he say that in an attempt to soothe the kid? I'm not following the train of thought. If the smoking was an alternative explanation to the thunder I think it'd make a bit more sense, but then why are they still wearing the bowling shoes?
Overall -
Overall, the poem was a bit difficult to discern a "greater" meaning - but I think it's primarily a sort of whimsical reflection that is supposed to stir up mixed feelings of youth and care-free imagination. The final stanza really paints a great image, but I think a bit more could be done to figure out how we get there.
I liked the punctuation choices you made as well as the lack of capitalization - I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, so good job on the grammar/structure front.
Good luck in your future writing, please let me know if you had any questions about my review!
- alliyah
Points: 144550
Reviews: 1227
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