Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General


thunderstorms

by GodHatesShane



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
325 Reviews


Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Donate
Mon Feb 11, 2019 1:01 am
SunsetTree wrote a review...



You have a nice sense of poetic form. The way the words are layered on the page is very poised and focused. Though its a simple centered-alignment, I think it reads well for this type of poem and I even think your little line-breaks are a unique, stylistically-interesting decision that works well here.

I think the first stanza is probably the weakest here -- for some reason you fall on cliches to depict the lightning storm (crack of thunder, flash of lightning, etc) when the rest of the poem proves you're capable of being so so much more creative than that. I ADORE the imagery in the rest of the poem. Marlboros clamped between their holy lips? Smoking cigarettes behind god's back? God and his angels going bowling? You have this meshing of rural-esque, laid-back suburban imagery with spiritual matters in such a cool, natural style.

The one other thing I think you can change is the title. For some reason, you borrowed the title from the first stanza, which kind of feels like a lazy cop-out. Titles should tell us something we don't know about the poem otherwise, or at least encompass the poem as a whole. The current title does nothing.

But those two issues aside, I really do like this poem a whole lot and really want to thank you for sharing it. You have talent.






SunsetTree,

Thank you for the review! I really appreciate the advice! :)



User avatar
86 Reviews


Points: 261
Reviews: 86

Donate
Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:53 pm
LordStar wrote a review...



Hi! Oliver here to review!

Wow Shane, I really love this poem. I particularly love the line 'a lightning bolt grin crackling across his face'. I really also love the last stanza, the 'wearing bowling shoes / marlboros clamped between / their holy lips'. I also really enjoy the childishness of this poem, the overall naivety of the speaker.

I also agree with clancy in that this poem is very well written because it is simply written. It tells a simple and interesting story without being caught up in the over-usage of metaphors or imagery.

Overall this was a really enjoyable poem to read and I hope to read more of your poetry in the future!

Keep writing,

- o.s.e.k






Thank you, Ollie, I'm delighted to hear you like it!



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 20
Reviews: 8

Donate
Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:43 pm
clancy wrote a review...



First, I love this so much because I was always told those things when I was little too, but in my case I love thunder storms.

I love how this is written and it may be just me but I haven’t read a poem in quite awhile that told a story plainly, usually I read dramatic poems full of hidden deep meanings or something of the like, so this is very refreshing.
It made me feel 7 again and back in a little house in Missouri, which I gotta admit is pretty trippy haha.
Anyways, this is very well written as far as I can tell and I can’t wait to read more from you.






Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)




The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown