Hiya, GodHatesShane! Pan dropping in for a quick review. As this is such a short piece, I'm just going to work through it and comment as I go.
I looked at myself in the reflection of the glass. Perfectly straight hair, a face that wasn't plagued with a single blemish; was this really me? When did I become this...this different? I asked myself. But before I could come up with an answer, I felt a hand on my arm.
1) Opening a story with the character looking in the mirror is a bit of a cliché. Even if said character does have a pretty valid reason to scrutinise themselves, it's been done so many times before that it turns me off automatically.
2) I was a bit confused by the fact that the main character doesn't seem to focus on the parts of their appearance that they don't like, or even the parts that are particularly 'feminine'. If they were looking at their long hair and their clean jaw and soft skin, I could understand it better, because they're the kind of features that might (though god knows I'm no expert) bring about dysphoria. Unblemished skin and straight hair are pretty neutral features, so I don't really understand why they pick those out.
once that was done, grabbed a pair of kitchen shears.
Kitchen shears? They sound pretty unwieldy! Wouldn't a regular pair of scissors be better for cutting hair?
Piece by piece, lock by lock, my hair floated down to the ground until I had a masculine undercut that tickled my forehead. Smiling a genuine grin, I stood up and jogged into my brother, Alex's room.
Not to put a damper on things, but I find it a bit unrealistic that Ashton would be able to just give himself a successful undercut. It's not exactly easy to cut your own hair. Unless he's got some kind of hairdresser training or something, or he often cuts his own hair.
"Why'd you send me a pic of your bro?"
"It's not Alex," I replied, hoping he'd understand. "It's me: Ashton. Your boyfriend."
I've put some grammatical corrections in bold - small stuff.
There was a long, silent pause. I held my breath as Blake composed a reply. "Oh, cool. Sorry, Ash. You look too much like him."
Ecstatic, I let out a cry. Throwing my phone onto the bed, I ran all the way to Blake's apartment.
When he opened the door, I rammed into him. "Thank you," I whispered, my tears soaking his white t-shirt.
"For what?" he replied. "You're finally allowing yourself to come free. That's what matters."
Even though this is sweet and I'm glad that the story gets a happy ending, I do have some questions about the realism. Even if Blake is the loveliest, most supportive boyfriend who loves Ash no matter what, I can't believe that he wouldn't at least be taken aback to learn that he was trans. It seems as if Ashton has never even discussed this with Blake prior to sending that photo, so it's bound to be a surprise. I question whether Ashton would reveal this fact about himself so abruptly, especially over an impersonal medium like text. It could've backfired so easily. The fact that Blake was so instantly understanding and accepting feels like a bit of a fairytale.
I'm not saying Blake has to be angry or anything, but I can't help but think the story would be stronger - and more emotional - if his reaction was more realistic. You could take a softer, rawer approach to Ash's transition. Maybe Ash could tell Blake how he felt face to face. Maybe Blake could be taken aback and need time to adjust to the information, but ultimately decide to support him and help him become the person he wants to be. Everything just feels too quick at the moment. You don't even touch on the matters of Ash's family - how will all of them react when they find out that he's cut his hair and adopted a new name? It's a very sudden action to take, and while it would be nice if people could reinvent themselves without worrying about the consequences, life isn't like that.
That's my main thought about the story, really. I'd love it to take a slower approach. The characters aren't really complex enough and there's not enough conflict. All that happens is that Ashton decides to reinvent himself and his boyfriend is perfectly okay with it. It would be more interesting and more rewarding if the story was about a person who reinvented themselves in the face of difficulties, having to deal with the changing nature of their relationships. He could still get his happy ending, but it would feel more touching if it was subtler and less blatantly perfect - especially seeing as so little in life ever is.
That's my opinion, anyhow. Obviously the decision rests with you. I do think you've got a story idea that has a lot of potential to be really moving if executed right.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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