Published April 8, 2008
And many came to glimpse the fall
and the horror spread through one and all
their eyes were covered so they'd not see
the pain that visited me and thee
And long they waited for the end
For death their souls to send
And the fiery angels up on high
Knew that Apocalypse was nigh
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,223 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here to review!
First off, I really like the first line. It flows smoothly and gives me the right images to go over in my head. However, "me and thee" kind of killed it all. :/ I'm not a big fan of rhyming in general because it limits what you can write to such a minimum that you'll be lucky to find a good substitute. Also, it just seems forced throughout.
For those two underlined lines, I think you need an extra syllable or two. As it stands right now, the wording is awkward, which makes the reading awkward in turn.
I hope this helped! Pm me if you want another review or if you have any questions. I'd be happy to answer.
I know it works perfectly fine without them but I'm kinda picky about wanting to have comas in my poems but maybe that's just me.
Other then that I really liked how it was kinda written in like a old stile with thee and stuff (also why I'm a Shakespeare freak)But anyway back to the poem. I think you did a really good job of the way how you rimed it but it wasn't the mane foces.
Over all, grate job!
I rally liked this piece. I barely noticed the rhyme and when i read it the second time i figured out he rhyme and was like, whoa, thats cool.
so, i like your sort of old-timy phrases (nigh, me and thee) because even though the apocalypse is sort of a futuristic topic (but not really, it could happen anytime...), you gave it a little old-timy charm with those little things.
hte line about "send" totally threw me off. hte rhythem was entirely broken in that one.
Wow, you have a whole lot of poems... cool. i like how even though most proms are about loss and sadness (ahem... guilty...) you choose to write about the things that we all deal with, but most poeple just deal wiht it by having a catfight with the voices in their mind.
=]
really good.
=]
I really didn't like the rhyme, complete or not. It just totally washed away any seriousness the piece had. Other than that, I thought it was good but you could expand on the theme.
I like this, but add more details into each line and try to extend the poem. I like your rythym and rhyming in this though. On the last line, what do you mean by "nigh"?. I hope this helps.
-Rick.
And many came to glimpse the fall
and the horror spread through one and all
their eyes were covered so they'd not see
the pain that visited them that day -- 'Day' spoils the rhyme scheme. I know sometimes an imperfect rhyme is still as effective, but in this case, unfortunately it doesn't work
And long they waited for the end
For death their souls to send
And the fiery angels up on high
Knew then that Apocalypse was nigh
Very interesting... and you know, I rather like it after all:) It kind of took me off-guard at first. I don't know why, but it's good.
It desperately needs some punctuation, though. Periods especially. Also, your capitalization is erratic for the first words in each line.
I like your rhythm. I think, maybe that it might be good to make this longer, expand on your ideas here. There's definitely room to say more, if you want.
Good job, and keep writing!
*adna*
Hey
)
I get to be your first review! Yeah me!
Okay, back to reviewing, I liked this one better than the last one I read
I don't know. It's all description with me. I have to imagine what is going on or I loose interest pretty quickly (this is the effects of a short attention span
Anway, back to your poem. I though this was good. I mean, you had all the write elements a poem should have and you described a picture this time, which I liked.
The only thing I found was that this line in your poem was a little awkward to me:
I prefer: Long they waited for the end to come
This seems to flow better with the poem above ^^^^ but that's just my opinion!
Keep Writing!