Young Writers Society

God wrote:Life does go on,
as we knew it would.
All the pain we took,
for the greater good.

Hey G, I wanted to return the favor. I'm sorry I didn't choose something more recent, but after reading this, I had to do it.

What I’ve noticed about your poetry in general is that they’re very sound, structurally. Your rhyme scheme, and above all your rhythm are solid and generally almost flawless.
It’s a breath of fresh air not to have to worry about those things in a review.

This poem in particular is pretty much perfect in those aspects.
Really the only thing to take issue with here, is the punctuation. This, to me, is one of those rare poems (rare in my opinion) that can survive wonderfully without any punctuation. I’m not saying you should get rid of the punctuation, but you very well could with no problem.
If you decide not to get rid of it, then there are some things I would change.

Life does go on,
as we knew it would. The period I would change to a colon, otherwise the rest of the poem consists of sentence fragments
All the pain we took,
for the greater good. This period, and the rest apart from the very last one, could be changed to a semi-colon. It’s the issue with sentence fragments again.
All the lies we told,
to those who care.
For the love we had,
and chose to share.
Clothed in blood,
the bright blade gleams.
Crushed and dead,
those broken dreams.

I really love this, you are very artistic. I liked how you chose to style this poem this was beautiful, good job!!

My opinion of this is that it was decent.

You had an idea for this and you used to to get your point across and have your lesson learned. Which is good.

The only thing I suggest (and don't quote me on this since poetry isn't really my thing) that you really need to expand your thinking. Create more dramatic words and imagery in this. I read your comment above ^^^^ and I know you think that you have done your best but you could really make this poem even greater!

Just try to think outside the box. Your point was obvious but maybe try to make it so readers have to think about it. Not just have the lesson handed to them on a silver platter. (if that makes sense )

Umm, I really hope this helps. I think you have a good poem here but there is some things you could do to make it better!

just to clear things up, this poem is saying that no matter how hard we try, sometimes fate has decided to ignore our wishes and dreams, but you should never give up, never back down from those dreams, even when they seem lost, even when time and time again, they are betrayed. and in the end, they are lost once again. but you will know that you tried, you never lost heart.

i appreciate the comments, and i can understand what you're saying, but this poem was perfect, it said just EXACTLY what i wanted it to. thank you all.

God wrote:Life does go on,
as we knew it would.
All the pain we took,
for the greater good.
All the lies we told,
to those who care.
For the love we had,
and chose to share.
Clothed in blood,
the bright blade gleams.
Crushed and dead,
those broken dreams.

I don't know, for me, this was a refreshing intake of that stuff we all need to breathe... air. That's it, air. most of the poems I've read on here have all started in ascending order and worked their way down to the point. i like this (probably because this sounds like something i would write) but i do agree, where is the personal touch? I mean it's about broken dreams, i get it but don't generalize. make it about a broken dream you had or someone else's broken dream- animate this statue of words.

Alright, so I just came from reading another poem of yours, thought I'd see what else you got =P

I like this one better than the other one I just saw. The rhyme scheme doesn't sound that forced, which is a recurring problem for a LOT of people on here, and you managed to pull it off rather nicely. Kudos for that

However, I can't just leave shining praise.... I found it kind of weird that this poem started off with the "lesson" you wanted readers to take away from it (I assume 'life goes on' is what you want me to think?) and the end is the hopeless part. IT was like the poem was backwards, maybe you sould flip it? I dunno, it was just off for me there...

While I KINDA know what this poem is about, it's really vague and leaves too much up to the imagination. Once again, you need to fill this out. Give it some substance. I could find anyone on the street and ask them to give me a rhyming stanza on freedom and peace and they could probably come up with something similar to this, no problem. I want to hear YOUR voice. Where's the personal touch? Basically what I'm trying to say is connect with your poetry. Make it yours, make it meaningful to you. Once it means something to you, it's got a much better chance of meaning something to your reader.

Hope I helped, and good luck!