Published April 29, 2008
I slid a meat cleaver from the knife rack on the kitchen counter. Stealthily, I advance towards the kitchen table, to confront a small green demon that sat there, snarling. I knew that if I waited for too long, it would discover me, and then i would be done for.
I leapt towards it; cleaver raised high above my head, and brought the knife down with a sickening thud. The blood sprayed across the table, and across my clothes, running down the knife. I hacked at it, again and again, until the thick armor of the beast had been a dozen times cleaved, or more. Raw chunks of its wet, red flesh lay spread across the kitchen, the blood spattering the walls and floor. The creature was dead.
I leave the corpse there, to go and clean myself up, washing the blood and innards of the monster off of my body. When I came back to the kitchen, the Woman-Who-Calls-Herself-My-Mother was standing there, surveying the destruction. She did not speak for a quite a long time, until the words came out, slow and tired.
"What the hell," she said, "did you do to the watermelon?" I ignored her question, and grabbed a rag from the cupboard under the sink.
"Hurry, help clean this blood up, and get rid of the body, before they find out."
They came later that evening, the men in white coats. They tried to tell me that i was sick, and that I was going away to get better. They didn’t have me fooled for a moment. I knew that they were locking me up for murdering that beast; they were in league with it. So was my mother, apparently. How they could call killing that beast murder?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,745 Literary Works • 675,666 Reviews
This was funny. I don't know if you meant it to be, but I actually laughed.
Just one thing:
You have too many ly words in this. Here's an example of how I would handle this: I steathily advance towards the kitchen table to confront a small green demon that sits there. It snarles as I approach.
Need work on your punctuation. You also switched tenses a couple times - you can go back and catch those if you just read it over. But otherwise, I actually ENJOYED this. I can't stress on how few times I am able to say this. So pat yourself on tha back
Keep writing.
well, for one, the main character was actually a girl. i dont think i mentioned that though, did I?
and another, ive re-written this since then, so its a little different, with the same ideas
Okay. Weird... Um, well, I can safely say I've never read anything like it before. The grammer was good, but you kept forgetting to capatalize things. The MC is obviously disturbed, so I'm not going to comment on him
I can't say whether I liked it or not. To weird. It was good, though. Good job!
Keep writing! ~*Sara*~
yeah thanks, those are th normal things that are wron, i tend to switch tense alot in my stories, so ive been trying to work on that.
Ooookay.
Weird. ^_^
Neat hook.
You switch tenses a lot here. Stick to just one.
Watch for capitalization. You use a small i when it should be a capital I:
Punctuation:
--
It was a very good idea, with the watermelon/demon thingie. Just do a read through and find the punctuation mistakes and you'll have a great piece!