Justice League 7011
Chapter 1: Collusion
Part 1: Stuck in the Grim Dimension
Ikol Roth ran as fast he could away from the weapons fire. The thing he sought was not here. He pulled out a shield. It glowed with magical power.
"Athena protect me!" he shouted. The magic bullets could not penetrate it. Ikol slowly began to walk forward toward his assailants. He unsheathed a blade he called Zeus. He pointed his blade to the sky and lightning came down on it.
"Back off or I'll show you the wrath of Zeus." he commanded his foes, but still they grew nearer.
"You have forced my hand." Ikol spoke then he took the supercharged sword and shot lightning bolts at them. All of them were wearing metal so they attracted the electricity to them.
Now that the pawns were taken care of he could jump to a new dimension. Well it wasn't exactly jumping, more like cutting a slit in the dimensions, then squeezing through it. He had no time too lose. Ikol reached for the dimension blade.
"Stop," called a voice, "relinquish your weapons. We have you surrounded." Ikol smiled.
"The Nazi army is very persistent. Too bad you're to late."
"What do you mean? You can't escape. There is no way you can."
"I mean, my good Hitler XV, this is my final trick."
To everyone's surprise, including Hitler, Ikol drew his sword then slashed at then air. Finally, giving a bow walked through the "hole" to a new dimension. After stepping out on the other side he slashed at the slit and it disappeared. He began to sheath the dimension blade when he noticed it. He felt weaker, helpless even. His dimension blade, which usually glowed, looked like a plain sword.
"Could it be the fables were true?A dimension with very little magic, if not none. Could I be in such a place. The legendary 'Grim Dimension'. Does this mean I can't continue?" these were the thoughts that ran through his mind. Then a thought a sparked in his mind.
All he had to do was find a storehouse. And if he couldn't find a storehouse he could always wait, but he had no idea how long that take. His first priority was to secure a means of leaving this dimension before he began his search. He liked liked knowing he had a way out.
He began to access this dimension. What he assumed was a street was pretty empty.
"Perhaps a virus killed everyone." he thought woefully. A iron charger, as his dimension called them, with flashing lights came up. It stopped near him. A young man stepped out of the car.
"Sir, you're gonna have to come with me." stated the man in blue. Ikol contemplated his answer. He accessed his strength, stamina, and speed. He looked the man in the eyes.
"Have I violated any laws." The man was taken a back.
"Yeah, illegal use of bio equip." Mr. Roth gave the lawman a look as if he had spoken a foreign language. Roth tilted his head.
"What did you say?Bio Equip?" both the man of justice and the dimensional traveler were scratching their heads.
"You're gonna have to come with me mister. So, who are you anyway?" he stated as he opened the back door of his vehicle. Roth looked dead in the eyes of the lawman, "I am a traveler. A merchant come to sell his wears. A shadow in this enormous world, passing by. Never can I stop." the traveler looked away from the man immediately. The cop looked dazed.
"Have a wonderful day sir." the man in blue got in his black and white automobile and drove off.
Ikol Roth collapsed. He was straining his body using magic so carelessly.
"The sooner I'm out of here the better." he thought to himself. Struggling to pick himself up, he crawled over to a railing. Grabbing hold he hoisted himself into a standing position. He for about an hour waiting to recover his lost magic. And then he had only enough to stand on his own. It would be a long time till he could walk with confidence.
After a few more hours he began hopping so to speak from railing to railing slowly making his way to a shelter. He needed a safe place to rest and regain his strength. He hobbled into an ally way. He fell heavily against the wall. Ikol Roth closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Morning Goblin70rd! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your novel/chapter today. ^^
I'm going to nitpick a little as I read, so bare with me. I haven't read the previous review so if I repeat anything, I'm sorry! I'm also on my phone so expect typos and whatnot. Feel free to ask me about anything! I'll try to answer your questions.
Do you mean gunfire? You say a bit later that there's magical bullets perhaps "magical gunfire" would fit better here? Or something? I'm not sure what to make of this. It confuses me. Good first line, though! It really caught my attention!
This "Athena protect me!" should probably be "Athena, protect me!"
That full stop after Zeus should be a comma. For example; "Hello," she said. This is usually how dialogue goes if you've got he/she/name and then said/shouted/muttered/etc. It's a full stop if it's action. Like; "No!" Sally sank to her knees, clutching at her chest. Does that make more sense?
"Well it wasn't exactly jumping" - comma need after well. "Well, it wasn't exactly jumping."
"Too bad you're to late." should be "Too bad you're too late."
"Finally, giving a bow walked through the "hole" to a new dimension." - this needs rewording a little. I'd change it to "Finally, after giving a bow, he walked through the "hole" to a new dimension." Sounds much better, yes?
"After stepping out on the other side he slashed at the slit and it disappeared." - this needs a comma after "other side", like this; "After stepping out on the other side, he slashed at the slit and it disappeared."
Generally, if he's thinking all this, then those first two lines should be in italics. That means this part "these were the thoughts that ran through his mind" isn't necessary. Id probably do this;
Much better, right? Of course, you don't have to do anything I suggest but trust me when I say it'll help. My writing style is very different to yours, but I hope I'm helping!
"And if he couldn't find a storehouse he could always wait, but he had no idea how long that take." - needs a comma after "storehouse".
"He liked liked knowing he had a way out." - you repeated "liked" and you didn't need to. ^^
Full stop instead of comma again. I've already explained this, so I'll just leave this here as a note. And again on the next line. XD I wouldn't use stated there, though. Maybe just said? Or called? Stated is kind of... Final? I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. Looking again, though, it fits better. You can keep it as is or not. Up to you.
Space after the first question mark. That b needs to be a capital.
Much better. ^^
You used stated again. Try using something else? Maybe queried or asked? New speaker, new line! That whole paragraph needs seperating. Like so;
And I'm going to stop there because I'm sure you can see what needs fixing now. It's nothing too major, just some minor adjustments and remembering when and where to use capitals and commas. That kind of stuff.
Overall, I enjoyed this. It definitely has potential. You just need to excite it better. It was a bit awkward for me to read with all the issues I found. My best suggestion is to read the lines out loud if you're struggling with something. Especially dialogue! If you have any questions, feel free to ask me them! I hope this helps. ^^
Keep it up and never stop writing!
~ Scarlett.
Hello Goblin70rd, steampowered here with a review! Just a quick disclaimer: I tend to be pretty honest in my reviews but I don’t mean to be overly harsh. I’ll tell you the things that I like, the things that I didn’t like and where you could improve. So let’s begin!
My general feeling to this is that it’s got potential and you have some interesting concepts – for example, the idea of the dimensions. You also have an action-packed start, which is usually the best way to open a fantasy or science-fiction novel because it grabs the reader’s attention.
However, as a reader of the text I found it kind of difficult to understand what was going on. Sure, it was reasonably readable, but you’ve thrown a lot of information at the reader in just the first chapter. Unless the reader’s so hooked they’re determined to battle through it to get to the rest of the story, it’s likely that quite a few will give up at this point. My advice is to keep the beginning reasonably simple. Don’t overload us with a ton of information all at once.
One way you can do this is to flesh out your writing. As this stands it’s a bit outline-y and I feel you can definitely make a lot more of this. By fleshing out your writing with descriptions, characterisation and dialogue the reader is introduced to the concepts of the worlds more slowly. At the moment I don’t feel much for Ikol because I don’t know a lot about him – I’m assuming he’s on the good side, considering he’s fighting Nazis (interesting idea, by the way) and that he’s a confident fighter, but I don’t get much of a sense of his emotions.
How does he feel here? Is he panicked, for example? Is he somebody who keeps calm in a crisis?
Why does he assume a virus? Why is he woeful? Is it because there’s no-one there to help him out or is it because he thinks they’re dead?
There’s a lot of telling here. How did he use magic, because this bit isn’t too clear. Did he hypnotise the cop? I like how there’s a price you have to pay for using magic, however. Maybe you could work this information in earlier, so we know what using magic will cost him.
My other piece of advice is a much smaller one and relates to a stylistic issue. At the moment you use a lot of short simple sentences, which makes everything kind of jar in the reader’s head. Perhaps you could make this more sophisticated by joining some of your sentences up. For example:
could become:
Also, a little nitpick, but I wouldn’t say “a blade he called Zeus”… I’d instead suggest “his blade, Zeus” (and maybe you could explain why he named it that, if you wanted to add that detail)
Overall, it’s a good start and I think you’ve got some really good ideas here, as well as some good scenes. With a bit of development, I feel you could make it even more gripping and really give the reader an image of what’s going on.
Don’t be discouraged by my review – I’m honestly just trying to be helpful here. Feel free to let me know if you want any clarification, or if you want to talk bits of this review over with me, and I’ll do my best to help you out.
-steampowered-
Thank you, what you said was really opened my eyes. How would I convey my characters feelings more? Or make it so you understand what they are feeling?
You can show it through their actions and their thought processes. This is just an example which doesn't relate directly to the chapter, but if you have a character who is scared you can have sweat running down their neck, or them being frozen to the spot.
For thought processes you can show what they are thinking, which is done through italics. For example, This can't be the Grim Dimension. It can't be! would be an example of a thought process which might imply panic.
Sometimes you can say something like, "Adrenaline surged through his body" or "Fear wiped his mind clean". Generally, it's better to avoid saying "so-and-so was worried" as this is telling, and might jolt the reader out of the story.
A way that works for me is to pretend to be the character and imagine what my reactions would be if I had their character traits. If you struggle with this bit, it's generally a good idea to revisit your character and try and really get inside their heads. If you're emotionally engaged with your character, there's a good chance the readers will be, too.
Hope this helped!
Yes, this has helped me a lot. Thank you so much. The next part will be better!