Published January 29, 2011
If I had wings
I'd fly away from here
with all I hold dear
deep in my heart.
I'd live for the freedom
of wild blue skies,
lost deep in thought,
no more despise.
If I had wings
I'd have no more hate,
I'd fly with the birds
and their own silent fate.
To sing and to call,
to laugh and to fall.
To live and to breath,
to never ever leave.
No one governs the skies,
no tyrants, no wars
just the soft sun arise,
and below sweeping shores.
Wind in my hair,
feathers so fair,
I'd swoop and I'd dive,
simply being alive.
If I had wings
I'd reach for the stars,
wouldn't need any cars,
just go with the flow
all you need to know.
There'd be no more pain,
I'd just fly away.
No more eyes streaming tears,
no more time, no more years.
If I had wings
I'd simply be free,
not a worry in my head,
not a thing I would dread.
I would be free....
Fly with me now,
don't need to ask how.
Spread your great wings,
as the songbirds do sing,
and fly.
If I had wings,
I'd live for the night
when the stars shine bright,
with the moon's full light
I'd be there for what's right,
I swear I'd still fight.
But it's only a dream....
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,635 Reviews
Figured I should start explaining things as people seen not to like my rhyming style.
Reason behind the off-rhymes:
This poem was my dream. I know it sounds weird but I dreamed this poem. I saw the words in my head and felt like I needed to write them down. As a result, there were alot of things I wanted to correct but didn't. I haven't replied to anyone because I figured eventually people would stop reminding me to keep a proper rhyming technique (ABAB, AABB, etc) but it seems like everyone's telling me the same thing. So I'll explain.
This actually was a dream, so I didn't correct it. I don't really like proper rhyming sequences either, I think they're too ordinary. I like to do things in a bit of an "off" way when I want them to match my dreams.
I know it's cleche but, really, who cares? You're supposed to write from your heart, right?
So I did, and this is what I got. I appreciate the reminding, though and I really should have explained this before my poem. I don't correct my dream-poems, because dreams aren't perfect. This wasn't supposed to be.
Thank you for the reviews. I know i should have explained earlier.
Oh dear...looks like I'm a little late here... Oh well! Giving my opinion anyway! I am super impressed with your imagery.
Hmm....hope that came out right. Anyway, the ryhme here (from sing and wings) doesn't quiet click on my toungue like the rest of the poem. The fly seems a bit off and a awkward add on. I'm sure the poem will be fine without the extra fly in there. Other than that, great work!
I liked this, it was lovely, made me smile.
The imagery of it was nice and it kept me reading to the end the way it flowed in my opinion, it was really well structured.
I do feel, however, another verse or two added would work well for a tad more detail in it. Though the detailing is good.
I especially liked:
It was beautiful imagery.
Well done!
Overall: Ok, so above I went through and outlined the whole rhyming problem. Poems have to either follow a pattern, or be completely random with absolutely no chance at finding a pattern, and unfortunately, this just kind of makes us ask, "What?" I think you did well putting us in the "Dream" though I would have liked to have the answers I asked in the first stanza answered. But that could just be me. I hope you don't take any of this as rude, because I'm really not trying to be, I didn't hate it, I liked it. I just think there are some things to learn from it. So, sorry if I totally ticked you off or something.
I absolutely loved this poem i am going to put it on my reading list. I loved how you were able to express yourself even though you used a rhyming scheme it was SICK! i just though instead of:
Great Job
"when the stars shine bright",
you could've put
Where the star shine bright"
you have great potential i don't think i need to tell you to keep writing.
Aaaw!! This is such a sweet poem!! I love it. Very nice ending....
Keep writing,
Alzora
I liked this poem
I get the imagery (and liked it), you used strong words, and kept the stanzas' beats relatively in check with the rest of the poem. However, you might want to rethink the last lines of a few stanzas, because some of them have more syllables than others, and it kind of messed up the flow for me. (I don't know if it's just me, however.)
The rhyme was okay - nothing really special that jumped out at me and said "hey! this poem's rhymes are really great!" but the poem as a whole was great - it's really just a matter of opinion, and I'm only one opinion of a hundred others that probably really liked the rhyme.
Overall: I like the concept, and I can relate with the poem. I think all of us at one point wished we had wings so we could fly away, no matter the reason.
Cheers!
-Mazey
This poem is simply very soothing, it touches on a beautiful subject and really does set your mind at peace so well done with it.
Now, onto the nit-picks!
This is a beautiful way to begin your poem as you mention what you would take with you however personally, I would of likedto know what was the reason you wanted your freedom so much. Was there war going on? What made you so eager to love freedom and want it so? I feel like in this poem you describe the settings beautifully however I can't feel much emotion asI can't relate to the character. Maybe if you added some more detail about them, then the reader will feel for the character more. Also, you hardly have any punctuation in here, I would have phrased the first verse like this if I were you (but then again, I'm not, so if you think I'm talking nonsense, then just ignore the next couple of lines
Now it is more varied and more exciting for the reader to read. I also believe it flows more easily without the poem droning on endlessly.
The rhyme here seems a bit forced, especially the line 'no more despise', it seems as if you've got a thesaurus out and looked for words which may fit in. If the line rhymes, but doesn't make proper sense, the just leave it out! I also noticed that there was no rhythmic structure as in the first verse, the 2nd and 3rd lines rhymed, however in this verse, the 2nd and 4th one did. Try to be more consistent with your rhyme and you will find that when you read your poem, it will flow more easily.
I've noticed that so far in this poem, you seem to repeat the word 'I'd' a lot. Try to change it to other words to make your poem sound less repetitive and tedious after a while. I know there is only a limited amount of word which could replace it, but seeing as your poem is free-line, it shouldn't matter if yo add an extra line or two.
This is my favourite verse as I love the technique you used, although be careful not to over-use it as it can easily become boring and make your poem tacky. I also noticed that you changed your rhyming structure yet again. Be really careful when it comes to rhyming as if you don't do it right, it can ruin your whole poem. Also, maybe you could have replaced the commas with semi-colons. Varying your punctuation can add a whole different dimension to your work and make it more exciting to read!
I love this verse! It's very soothing and it shows how peaceful it can be. But I did see that you could of changed the last line to 'and below, sweeping shores' as the original seems that it should be continued to say something along the lines of 'and below sweeping shores there is.....'. It makes more sense if you add a comma and doesn't confuse the reader so much.
Again, this is a really nice verse with a lot of potential however it was ruined by forced rhyming.
I think by mentioning cars, it really ruined the atmosphere of the poem as your thinking of quiet blue skies and the suddenly, a roaring machine comes into view. Don't ruin your poem for the sake of rhyming. Also, it seems a bit strange that you've added an extra line to this one. I would completely take out the first line as it is not needed.
This is an AMAZING verse. You wrote it beautifully and really imagined life without pain well.
Again, you've added another extra line which is not needed, but this time it's all the last one as it seems as if you should add another line to rhyme with it. It seems a bit lonely so I would just get rid of it as you don't want to make your poem unconsistent by adding a different amount of lines to each verse.
I would also take the last line out of this verse. However if you don't want to, you can always add it do the end of the forth line, it won't matter if you add two more syllables to one line. Also, I would of made the second line 'you don't need to ask how' as then it makes more sense and sounds better.
You rhyming is all over the place here. It feels strange as you jump a lot with the structure of your rhymes. Although it is a magnificent way to end your poem, as if it's the end of the day!
Overall, this poem has al lot of potential but you need to focus on things like your rhyming structure and varying your punctuation. I'm sorry if this review is a bit harsh. I hope it helped!
Well done! Keep writing!
I agree with the above. The poem overall is good, but the inconsistent rhyming throws the poem off a bit and weakens some of the great things about. Overall it was a good read, but some of the phrases threw me from the world I imagined as I read.
This throws off the decent flow you had to me. As was said before don't worry too much about rhyming and instead focus on getting your point across and the poem flowing. Don't force anything.
I like think this poem is great. I wish I had wings.
This part is my favourite.
Keep writing!
Hello there Goa!
The only problem that you have here is your rhyming inconsistencies. At first, there were no rhyming patterns but then as I came across with the second stanza, there was. With that being said, it distracted the flow. Just remember that if you want your rhyme to rhyme, then stick to it throughout the poem. And there are also some instances where I could feel that the rhyming is forced a bit.
Secondly, the theme you have here is almost cliche'. There are like hundreds of poems that talks about wings, being free and all. And I hope next time, try to use good imageries for this to stand out even more. Though I like the tone of the speaker, it's like he really is determined of freedom, or something like that.
Kicking aside those comments, this has potential. Let me know if you have any questions or clarifications.
Keep writing,
Yuri
I love the line that says- i'd swoop and i'd dive simply being alive. That stuck out to me. You sure do show some talent in this piece. I love the rhyming! Keep it up hun
This is a really good poem with a really good theme, but I think you are WAY too hung up on rhyming. First off, your rhyme scheme is totally wack, and I'm not trying to sound mean, but it has absolutely no rhythm so it at all. Your poem has rhythm, but your rhymes are badly times and not consistent. This type of poem typically sounds best when you have a consistent rhyme scheme, like abab cdcd efef, etc. But you have all kinds of things going on. For instance, the first stanza is aaab, your second is abcb, and your last is aaaaaa. It doesn't coordinate at all. I'd suggest stop being so hung up on the rhymes, get your point across, and then worry about it. Goodluck.