Published November 12, 2011
I am happy.
(My mind...)
I am always happy.
(I struggle.)
The world is happy.
(The pain...)
Everything is pretty
(So dark...)
and fun,
(No more!)
wonderful
(Can't breathe...)
and bright.
(I'm blind.)
So happy.
(It hurts.)
I love life
(The sorrow...)
and life loves me,
(No more sun...)
everyone loves me,
(So fake...)
everyone loves everyone.
(So much hate...)
So happy.
There was once a time
when I rebelled
because I was ugly
and sad.
(No!)
I wasn't happy.
(Don't want...)
I wanted more,
or I wanted less.
I don't remember.
(I don't want!)
I was so angry,
so dull.
(Alive...)
I ran away
(Freedom...)
and I hid
(Can't take it...)
but they found me
(Kicking... screaming...)
and they fixed me
(Butchers!)
and now I am happy.
How good it is to be happy.
(Deep down...)
How wonderful the world is.
(I can feel it...)
How glamorous.
(It burns...)
How fun.
(Help me.)
How... happy.
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
What I really like about this poem is the contrasting points of view. It makes me think of all the lies we tell people and how greatly our ideas differ from the words that escape our mouths. However, like stated before, some of the parts don't really make sense. When you omit the parentheses, the poem does not make sense because many of your phrases inside the parentheses aren't complete sentences. They're fragments. I can't figure out how this poem is supposed to be read. Is this like the Ellen Hopkins poem wewinwelose suggested? Whether it is or isn't, you can use some more figurative language, not that you can't be straight foward and have a simple poem. It would just make things more interesting. I would suggest listening to wewinwelose's advice. Happy writing!
-Crescent
Well, I liked it. If I know what story you were trying to tell with this, and I think and really hope I do, this is like one of those utopias that isn't really a utopia. The evil people who run the government, or whatever, force you to be happy, with maybe a surgery or something. This character has had the surgery, and on the outside she's this mindless robot who's "happy", (That's why I pictured her, I'm assuming it's a girl for some reason, speaking the lines outside the () in a monotone.) but on the inside she knows something is wrong and she's struggling to break free. I just really like that. (I said that already. And why am I summarizing your poem when you already know what it's about?) It's interesting, entrancing as a story, almost.
Umm...reviewing. Riiiiiighht. Well, there were a couple of times I thought the () didn't fit the un() words as much as they could've, like
I didn't really get this.
But I really liked
And that's all I have to say because I couldn't find any grammatical errors. (Yeah, you!) Let me say again that I really liked it, and keep writing!
Okay so uhhhhmmm....Where to start. First off, while this piece isn't bad, it's a topic that is WAY over abused it's practically a cliche, and not a good one. Second, it doesn't really make sense.....Normally when you read poetry that has double meaning like this (take Ellen Hopkins for example), the lines out of the ( )'s flow together, and then the lines inside of them flow together. Here, they don't flow together at all, even if you read it all together. Also, the whole bracket thing just doesn't work, it makes the poem look jumbled and confusing. How bout trying a format something a little more like this:
I am happy.
__________________________________My mind...
I am always happy.
__________________________________I struggle.
The world is happy.
__________________________________The pain...
Everything is pretty
__________________________________So dark...
On top of that, try to deepen the meaning. There is no emotion in this poem, or at least, none that the reader can relate too. Bring in more imagery, and deepen the poem a bit. Usage of better vocabulary also never steered anyone wrong. My suggest would be to use this as an outline, and then format the new piece more like what I have above. It makes it so that when you read it all together, it means one thing, but when you read them separately, it means something else. Goodluck! Poetry like this is REALLY hard to pull off....