Hi! I know you've gotten a lot of feedback on this chapter already, so I won't go too in depth due to the fact that anything I say will no-doubt have already been said by someone else. That said, I do believe I could offer some advice.
Number one, and the very first thing I noticed, is the title. I know that this was definitely not your intention, but terms like "cutter" can be ridiculously triggering for some people. I don't happen to be one of them (thank my therapist, because he is an angel among mere mortals) but it's something that you may want to keep in mind. I realize that it would take a lot of time and work to change such an integral part of the story, but I had to bring it up.
The second thing is, you limit yourself too much on how you can relay information to the readers. You tend to stick to keeping the ever-vital exposition in the main text or integrated into dialogue with varying levels of success. I know that you're probably wondering what other options there are, and you're kind of right that there aren't really any, but it's how you go about it that can change.
First consider what your readers need to know right now. In this case I would assume those things are the job your MC and her brother have, the members of the family, and that all memories of the dad are gone from his family's minds.
You do a good job on the first one, an ok job on the second one, and a below average job on the last one.
Let's try 'en improve that, shall we.
My first instinct if I was given this challenge would be to have the MC try to remember. Have her strain her mind for something, anything on her father and...nothing. Have her internally sigh at the magic involved and go back to her task. (After all, she ‘ought to be keeping her mind busy somehow with so many hours of repetitive labor).
But maybe you don't want to do that, maybe it goes against her character or something of the sort. So let's find an option B.
Maybe she has a conversation with her mother, or her brother, about it. Maybe one of them was trying to remember, or maybe they just make a comment on it, and your MC explains, as if for the hundredth time, that the magic won't allow that. That the memories are just gone.
Or maybe it’s the mom who says that to the little brother, in which case your MC would play the role of the onlooker. With that approach you could add just a little bit to her character by having her react to this somehow, like maybe she sighs in exasperation or adds to what her mom says. Or maybe all of her commenting is internal. Whichever way, it portrays this information a little more organically and keeps the reader more engaged during the duration. (And hey, there are probably thousands of other ways to do this, don’t be afraid to play around!)
(If you want to PM me to help you out with some of this kind of brainstorming feel free! Or even just to chat, though I might take a little while to respond for the duration of this week because it’s experience week and I’ve got painting, sewing, and garden assembling to do.)(Just garden assembling tomorrow) (it’s on a day by day thing) (I made a pillow today) (Below my skill level, but it’s fuzzy so who am I to complain)
Those are the only real issues I took with the piece other than that. Any other trivial thing was covered by someone else, and repeating it would be futile. Just be more mindful of the terms you use in the future and try to look at scenes from a few more angles. “Treat nothing as sacred” as my favorite history teacher told me in the middle of the civil war unit after I showed him a short story I had written. He was too good for the world. (He made me cry four times, not for the reasons you’re thinking). What he meant was, because it wasn’t clear to me at first and I won’t assume that you can just suddenly comprehend something it took me a year to get, you shouldn’t hold on to any detail of your story just because that’s how you wanted it at first. If there’s no plot-related reason for the scene to happen in a hard-to-describe busy subway station on- I don’t know- Mars or something, then move it! Like he said, treat nothing as sacred.
Anyway, that’s all the advice I have to give (or pass on) so I’ll be going now. Let me know if you have any questions, or if anything I said came off as rude or condescending. I know that I’ve been giving off that vibe lately and I want to stop, so really, please tell me.
Goodbye, and happy writing!
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