Little Henry, not even six yet, was so excited. He was about to embark on his first subway ride with his mother! He and his mom had plans to go visit relatives in Ohio, and Henry managed to talk her into taking the subway to the airport. Oh, how proud Henry felt of himself!
He gathered his belongings that he planned to take with him in a small sachel, along with his clothing. He put his toothbrush, toothpaste, and shower gel into the sachel. Finally, he slid a Snickers bar into the bottom, being precise with hiding it. His mother was never very fond of sugar, let alone candy.
Henry flinched when his mother appeared in the doorway, saying "Henry, what have you been doing?" She reached for the sachel, and Henry reluctantly let go of the sachel. After a moment of searching, she found the candy bar, and scolded Henry. "Oh, Henry, you could rot away your teeth! Oh, do avoid sugar. It's bad for you." And with that, she was gone.
Henry, refusing to admit defeat, grabbed the sachel and pretended that nothing had happened. He stuck the candy into his pocket, and walked out of the house. He entered the red Cadillac his mother had bought, and strapped himself in. He didn't want to fly out the window in the event of a car crash, so he decided to just play it safe.
Henry's mother turned the key in the ingnition, and the car lit up with life. She turned the wheel, and drove out of the driveway, heading for the subway.
After about thirty minutes on the road, Henry spoke up. "Oh, Mother! Please do look at the horses!" Henry yelled enthusiastically. Henry's mother took her eyes off the road for a second and looked. "How cute," she said. She then continued the drive to the subway.
Finally, they arrived at the subway. Henry took his mother's hand and carefully ascended the steps leading underground. They caught their train just on time, and stepped aboard the train. Henry's mother had to use the restroom, so she left Henry in his seat for just a moment. It would be a terrible mistake.
Henry was admiring the subway walls that shot past the windows of the train, when a tall woman wearing a black dress, with black pupils and a black handbag, sat across from him. Henry was a little frightened at first, but he soon grew to ignore her. He liked looking outside the window. But oh, how tempting it was. Her purse was glowing a beautiful golden color, and Henry had to see the inside of her purse.
He hopped up from his seat. He saw that the woman's eyes were closed, so he assumed she was sleeping. He reached his hand inside, and discovered a golden string. He was confused. What was this? He pondered over it, and did not expect it to shoot out and grab his teeth. The string pulled, and in the result of a bloody mess, his tooth was torn out,
Henry began to cry. His tooth was pulled out. How could this happen? What magic is this? When Henry looked back, the woman was gone. Where she sat, though, was a dollar.
************************
Henry woke with a start. He had a bad dream. It was just a dream. He felt a piece of paper in his pocket, and knowing that it could get mixed in with the laundry, pulled it out. It was a dollar. But he had no allowance. This wasn't his. The Henry realized something. He reached inside his mouth, and his tooth, the one he had for five years, was gone.
By Gnarslogge
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Gnarslogge!
Let me know if you have any problems.
Hope you're finding everything on the site alright
On with the review!
I really liked the opening and as Stella has mentioned I like the narrative voice. It was quite abrupt and child like. However you seemed to lose that in the dialogue when he says - "Oh, Mother! Please do look at the horses!" - Oh, Mother doesn't really seem like a thing a 5 year old would call their Mum. I mean...maybe a really posh 5 year old but still that's a bit of a push. I would be more inclined to use something like "Mum! Muuuum! Horses!" Children are pretty basic when they speak and tend to miss out stuff because they feel they don't need to convey it fully. So just be careful with that transition from the narrative voice into dialogue. Make sure it's consistent.
I thought the beginning was well paced and well written. I was getting into it and then I felt like a lot of contrivances happened and it all got a little rushed. It seems odd they would drive to the subway (unless it's a dream). Also seems odd that the mother would just leave the kid like that. For me it would be far more likely that the kid would wander off himself (unless it's a dream).
I wanted you to linger a little longer on the woman and the gold string. It was all a bit sudden and rushed. This is the pivotal moment of your story, what you've been writing up to. Take your time with it. The ending was a little disappointing. Most 'it was all a dream' stories are because you get invested in the story and then someone comes a long and takes it away from you. Maybe if you add a detail about the woman in the subway that reoccurs when he wakes up. So maybe she has a tinkling laugh that he can hear when he's awake. Just find something that could cast more doubt that it was actually all a dream. If that makes sense.
Anywho! Let me know if you have any questions
Bex x
Hello, I'm here to review.
The story's pretty nice, with a great touch of infantile frolic at the beginning.
I'm not sure if I like the way you portrayed the scene of the golden string raping his tooth. That made the whole thing metamorphose from a cute little story to a horror film about a golden string that tears off little children's teeth in a way that leaves a bloody mess.
It also seems unusual that a 5 year old child who just had his tooth forcefully torn out, would notice a dollar instead of running around in pain.
The end is all right though, but I feel like it was too cliche and needed a more intense suspense as an end.
But that's just my view.
Overall, great job, and please write more!
Hey Gnarslogge! Welcome to YWS! My name's Stella and I'll be your reviewer today
First things first- I notice that your own review count is at zero. Here at YWS reviews are the currency of the realm. So since I'm giving you this review, I hope you'll be inspired to go off and review some other writers in need!
So firstly, I really loveloveloved your voice here. He sounded just like a six year old! I would, however, have left the fact that he was "not even six" to a later point in the story- it's not the sort of thing we need to know in the first line. We figure he's pretty young because you called him "little."
Secondly, was this a dream or wasn't it? I guess you're trying to leave that ambiguous. But let's be honest, "I woke up and it was all a dream" is the oldest trick in the book. Even with the ambiguity involved, I can't say that I liked the ending very much. No matter how well it's written, starting a story with such an exciting opening and then ending that opening with "it was just a dream" is a disappointment. Like when you wake up from a good dream of your own. It just feels like a bit of a cop-out and I didn't like it. Is there any other way you can think of writing this?
Also, if his mother owns a Cadillac, why on earth are they riding the subway? That seemed a little strange too- again if he's in a dream state I guess it's alright, but if not, have a think about it.
A couple of other nitpicks- it's "satchel" not "sachel", and aren't everybody's pupils black? Perhaps you mean irises. That puzzled me too, because what was special about the lady having black pupils?
Overall, I really liked how you managed to capture the voice of a little boy, the sentence structure, the wide-eyed wonder about the world, all of that- you did it beautifully. I just wasn't such a fan of the content- of the dream setting, and I was unclear about what exactly was going on.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x