Young Writers Society

The revised version was much better than the first. It still is a bit obvious.
If I were you I would get rid of "A storm is a powerful beast" and "It also creates a sense of wonder" completely. Find a way not to say 'storm' in the entire thing. Don't tell us that it creates a sense of wonder, describe the sense of wonder and what inspires it. Describe the beast, say something about it.

"I watch with a look
Of horror but at the same time,
I look on in awe. " Something about the rhythm of these lines isn't right. Maybe instead make it: "I watch with a look
of horror but at the same
time, look on in awe."

As to the little things, I wouldn't capitalize every line. And try not to make absolutely everything a complete sentence.

Definately put in even more imagery. Do less telling what the storm does and more describing it. Instead of saying that the storm creates havoc, describe the havoc. Instead of saying that it makes you afraid, describe what you do because you're afraid; describe what you feel instead of just telling us what it is you feel.

That is a cool outlook on a storm. It describes it really well. I think that you should expand it. Your revised version is exactly what I'm talking about!!!!

I like your revised version much better than the first one, however more imagery would make this better as well as some stronger language.

I really appreciate your suggestions... I tried to revise this to the best of my ability... Please help me with it:)

A storm is a powerful beast,
Creating havoc and destroying
All that lies in its path.
The destruction of the storm
Puts fear into my heart
And has be ducking for cover.

It also creates a sense of wonder.
Lightening touching down before your eyes,
Just feet away
And the thunder booms in a rage.
I watch with a look
Of horror but at the same time,
I look on in awe.

Rain pours down in a torrent.
The rain drops stinging my face
And landing on my tongue.
The cool taste of rainwater
Refreshs my senses.

I want to first congratulate you on the way you're handling all of our criticism. I dont know if I could take it with such equanimity, so kudos to you. Secondly, however, I have to agree with Incandescence. You're preaching to the choir here. We're all writers, we know what a storm is. What we dont know is how it feels to you, what it makes you think about, how it makes you feel, what the rain tastes like, what the wind sounds like, what the world looks like when theres a storm where you live, etc. And that's what someone is looking for in a poem. Not a cliche description of what they already know, but a vivid picture of something that reminds them of what they know and gives a unique picture or perspective. I know you dont intend to belittle your readers, but try to give it a bit more depth - something to make us think. We can take it!

there just didn't seem to be enough of a point. no real substance to it. just like a simple and possibly cliche description. so i guess any judgement would be based on whether that was all you intended it to be or not.

Brian, I don't really see quite what you are asking me or telling me.

Nicole

wow. stating the obvious courses really worked for you, huh? what's your intructors name? i need to get this down. i think you and my little brother could potentially be taking the same course from the same instructor.

Thanks! Please read my other poems too!

Nikki

for some reason, i read this poem with such vitality and enthusiasm which is well so therefore, well done. i liked it.