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16+ Mature Content

Can You??

by GlasAthair04


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

“My mom said I shouldn’t talk to strangers.” Timidly Said by a boy ages 5 or 6.



“Well, my name is Eddie, now can you tell me your name little boy?”



“T-Timmy, my name is Timmy.” Then he absentmindedly touches his sides looking uncomfortable.



“Does it hurt?”



“N-no”



“You know lying is bad.”



“A little, I guess.” Finally answering truthfully.



“Well Timmy , today is your lucky day. I am a genie, and I can grant 3 wishes, whatever you like Timmy.”



Eyes shines brightly, he tries to smile, but failed miserably.

“Really?”



“Yes! I’ll give you whatever you want.”



“Wow. Anything?”



As I scan his face,puffy, heavily bruised, and full of scars, still looking happy and innocent. I knew that I have to give everything he wants. I’ll give him anything, whatever it takes.



“Yes Timmy, anything.”



He looks up, clearly trying to think, he then shakes his head as if he agrees to whatever he thinks.



“ Can you repair my toy car?“



“I can. Yet I can buy you a lot more toys, a lot more car if you want to.”



“Really? Thank you.” He smiles brightly, trying to stand up, probably to jump.



I put my hand into him.” Don’t stand .please. Stay put.”



“Sorry.” He mumbles.



“Never mind that. So what’s your next wish?”



“Can you help my mum?” He mumbles again.



I choked back my tears. “I’ll try.”



He’s trying to think. I can see that he’s not satisfied with my answer.



“ Well, I don’t think I want any more toys, just fix my car and my mum, please” He said after a moment.



“No, I’ll give you your toys and fix your mom, after all, I am a Genie!”



“I knew it! I’ve saw you in Aladdin. And you are powerful. So I knew that you can fix my Mum!” He sounded so relieved, so contented.

And I hate myself for lying to him. But I also can’t bring myself to tell him the truth.



“So what’s your Final wish, little Tim?” I asked to change the subject.



“Can you free my dad?” He said in a heartbeat.

“Are you sure?” I dunno if I heard him correctly.

“Y-yes!!”

“ Are you really really really sure?”

“ I know that Dad hits me sometimes, even Mummy, but he loves us!! He just hits me, be-because I’m a bad boy, and his just di-disp-disciplining me. Please, help my dad. He’s a good dad. In fact, he’s the one who gave me my toy car.”

I can’t breathe, I can’t look at him anymore. My fist is shaking, and he’s probably noticed this because he looks so scared.

I tried to smile, not to scare him

“ I’ll see what I can do ,little Timmy.”

“Can you free me dad? He’s not a bad guy,believe me. Can you?” He asked again.

I can’t.


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84 Reviews


Points: 4616
Reviews: 84

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Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:39 pm
Stormblessed242 wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!
This is a beautiful piece! A lot of emotion, and it definitely pulled my heartstrings. Timmy is a very innocent little boy, and Eddie is very kind and empathetic.

However, there are a few things that will make this even better! Let's get to it.

“My mom said I shouldn’t talk to strangers.” Timidly Said by a boy ages 5 or 6.

I think that this would be worded better as " 'My mom said I shouldn't talk to strangers.' said the small boy, about 5 or 6. His voice was timid, and weak with pain."
This helps it sound less awkward, and might help explain more of the setting of this story.

” Don’t stand .please. Stay put.”

there should be a comma after "stand."

There are few more places where the spacing between the punctuation and the words is a bit off, but if you go over it again, you'll find them.

Another thing i would suggest is giving us more context on the story. If I'm correct, Eddie is not actually a genie, he's just trying to comfort this dying boy. But you don't really explain that, and I might be wrong. How did Timmy get hurt? Who is Eddie, really? You don't have to explain every detail, but give us some more information!

Other than these, this was great, and I can't wait for more!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242




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8 Reviews


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Mon Oct 12, 2020 12:33 pm
Denizen says...



This is heartbreaking. Poor little Tim-Eddie is wonderful, and I, even just as a reader, can relate to his struggle to hold in his emotions and act calm.

I enjoy how you've described Tim-its subtle yet overt. His bruising, and his words. His wishes make my heart ache-so innocent, a purity only held by children.

I think you've done a wonderful job.




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 47
Reviews: 8

Donate
Mon Oct 12, 2020 12:33 pm
Denizen wrote a review...



This is heartbreaking. Poor little Tim-Eddie is wonderful, and I, even just as a reader, can relate to his struggle to hold in his emotions and act calm.

I enjoy how you've described Tim-its subtle yet overt. His bruising, and his words. His wishes make my heart ache-so innocent, a purity only held by children.

I think you've done a wonderful job.





"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi