love has no story the answer is no
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
This is a really neat, poignant short story. I think the writing style supports the story, giving it grace. I noticed a one time that you switched to second person ("you name it"), which I would not recommend for this particular story. There are quite a few simple spelling mistakes that you have probably recognized already. I would recommend going and fixing those.
Usually, I tell people to use more vivid words, but I believe that with this story, it really sounds good with a simple word choice. Emphasizes the message more.
You did a fantastic job raising suspicion about the stranger, and I was satisfied with pain being the friend.
Good luck!
Thanks a lot!
SecreteJournalist here for a review!
Might I saw, I was not expecting the ending. It was a really good plot twist! The concept of the story, at first, I was worried about but as I kept reading I realized it's a great idea! If you don't mind, I'm going to go over a few nitpicks.
I feel that if you changed the first two sections of the sentence by adding an and, it would help the sentence flow a little bit better. Though, that's just a suggestion.
"and got all excited" should probably be reworded. I feel it could be much improved with a few vocabulary words.
'waitfor' should have a space in between the two words. And the second sentence should, to me, become one big sentence. It would help with flow.
This was a very long sentence. Maybe break it up into a few sentences?
Obviously? Explain. Also, the last sentence I feel would make more sense if you said they turned on their heals instead of to their heels.
Repetition of the start of a sentence has always been a pet peeve of mine. Maybe change the word 'Love' at the beginning of a few of the 4 sentences here. Also, 'davastated' is spelled 'devastated'.
My only other suggestion is maybe add a little bit more imagery? I know you can't add much because of the deeper meaning, but maybe the meeting place could be described and symbolize something?
Overall, though, the concept of this story is great! With a little bit of fixing up, your story will be golden (like time ;3). Keep writing stories, please. I'd love to read more from you in the future!
Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournlist
AKA
Brie
Lol thank you. Sorry for the crappy typos, I do know devastated and those spacing blues, it was just typo hahaha. thanks again for the review, it'll help
Incredible ending!! I loved that!
I have a pin-back button that reads 'Love and Pain are best friends forever' and how true that is.
At first I wasn't too keen on the names, and I thought Love was named for the wrong person. But you made it all wrap up in the end.
A few suggestions for revision:
I think, maybe, to reflect the significance of what you're trying to portray in this piece, your setting/conflict shouldn't be centered around something so casual as a coffee shop. In this writing there are lots of spots where this suddenly turns into a cliche 'high school girl waiting for her date to show up' story. But I know it's much more than that.
Consider making the story something that shows Love at her darkest hour, something truly more significant and *painful*, that still requires Patience and Time. I'd also like to see these characters shine and show what they truly mean as well. For instance, Patience continues to tell Love to wait while Time taunts her, or makes her feel like waiting is endless, reminding her that perhaps her 'date' will never show up. Something related to what Time makes us feel in the real world.
It's a bit confusing that Love doesn't know the name of her long lost friend. Make it obvious that she's forgotten, that it's been so long and she just can't put her finger on it yet. You make it seem like she never even knew his name.
" Sh'd know for herself and she just did; at this very moment and at this exact place. "
Firstly, I think you see the typo of forgetting an 'e' in there:). Secondly, I don't think you really need this sentence at all. It seems a little repetitive in context.
" He remembered asking his name over the phone, and he told Love she'll know it when she's there.
And he was right.
Sh'd know for herself and she just did; at this very moment and at this exact place.
Love knows his name now.
He is Pain. "
That long sentence in there just seems a little much, and is unnecessary. We get the gist without it.
I really love how you worded the last sentence, even if it is three words.
You didn't say "It is Pain" or "His name is Pain", because that would be either too vague or too repetitive also.
"He is Pain" is just perfect.
Some other sentences are worded a little iffy and lack correct punctuation, but as you read through a few more times in revision I'm sure you'll catch them.
Overall very good job. This is quite similar to a poem idea I've been working on, so I'm glad you put yours in short story format:) it works pretty well.
And hey! Welcome to YWS! If you're confused about anything or need advice, just let me know!
Great job on this. Hope I helped!
Yours,
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.
Aw thank you very much