Published September 28, 2011
The summer and spring has past
leaving nothing but the quietness
of the loneliness and emptiness
of fall
I sit by the window watching
the trees shed their beautiful
leaves and couldn't help but feel
like those leaves are apart me
Wondering aimlessly trying to find
where I belong
When I look in the mirror who do I see?
who do I look like?
daddy or you?
I wouldn't know because I never saw you before
You dropped me off like it was a daycare but it was
the new home I was going to spend most of my life at
You give me to a person, which I'm grateful because that person
love and care about me
She tells me stories about you
who you were, what you use to do, how you meet daddy
She even describe what you use to wear
It was up to me to imagine if you were tall or short, do you have long or short hair
I even go to sleep and dream about you being my supermom, thinking you were going to save me
but you never did
As I grew older, as the years past
I started losing hope, I started to forget about you
But after everything you did to me, i want you to know
I forgive you
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Hmm. I think this poem has potential to be fantastic, considering its topic, but the way it was written didn't do it for me. I liked the subject and the feel it had, which was kind of forlorn. I think that your biggest problems are grammar and structure. In the first line, it should be passed, not past, and in the lines
"the trees shed their beautiful
leaves and couldn't help but feel
like those leaves are apart me" it should be "a part of me". These are errors I'm almost positve you noticed, it was just simple typos, but I just wanted to point them out just in case. Also, you could have broken your poem into stanzas, such as in between "of fall" and "I sit", and "or you" and "I wouldn't". I think that if you had put " I wouldn't know because I never saw you before", "You dropped me off like it was a daycare but it was
the new home I was going to", and " spend most of my life at" on separate lines, it would have made the poem more powerful. Well, that's about it, hope I didn't come off harsh or anything. I still liked your subject! c:
--In other words, I agree with Rose!--------
Hello there!!
First off, what you were writing about in this poem was very touching. I think that expressing this story in a poem was an awesome choice.
That being said, I'm not sure that you took full advantage of the possibilities that this story presented. The lines of the poem sort of blended together and I found myself re-reading it, making sense out of the blurred storyline. So, in order to fix this, there are two options which come to mind.
The first option is to use punctuation in this poem. It's fine to let sentences make up two or even 3 lines, but at the end of that sentence, there needs to be a period to give it a feeling of closure. Spending a few more minutes on punctuation would've made your story so much clearer and easier to read.
The other option would've been to break the poem into stanzas. That way, the poem would've been broken down and it would've made it much easier to comprehend. You could've used the stanzas as a sort of replacement for punctuation.
If this poem was just a product of venting, I understand completely. Sometimes the best thing to do is to forget about all of the rules and write what you want to write without having to worry about rules. Nevertheless, I feel like this poem would've lived up to its truly enormous potential had you spent a little more time on the details.
Regardless of any of my feelings about the structure of the poem, I still adore it. It's a great piece of work just the way it is. Always always always keep writing!
-Rose