Published May 10, 2007
Today has been terible. And i say it with the upmost grim look. Rain, rain is all i see and all i feel is wet.
so i thought today i might write a poem in aid to help me forget what im feeeling (not!)
Rain, rain go away. Come again another day!
No, no the rain replied. I'll stay as long...as long as i like.
Oh why dear rain will you act so mean, when mother's just put out her nice clean bedsheets.
And father's taking ben for walk, but because your falling they had to stop.
I fall because i cannot stop, and i am jealous when the sun is hot.
For when he shines you all favour him and when its me you savour it.
But rain we love you just as much as wind, as sun and storm.
So fall no more and let us ensure the rainbows you leave behind you.
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This is definitely getting somewhere, but it needs work. Read it aloud and get the rhythm you want, set up its structure, decide whether you want it to rhyme or not, and be consistent with your decisions. Fix your grammar and spelling. One other thing - what is the 'it' you're savoring? That part bothered me.
This is going to be good if you just edit it a bit. Keep working on it - I can't wait to see the finished product!
~Sophie
Hmm, this has the potential to be good, but at the moment, well, not so great.
Try putting the poem into stanzas or something because the spacing is a bit weird, also you shift the viewpoint form the rain to yourself sometimes and thats also hard to understand.
However, I did like these two lines
Sorry I was so picky!
Charlotte