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Frost Burn Chapter 1

by GirlWithATypewriter


“I'm so high at the moment

I'm so caught up in this

Yeah, we're just young, dumb and broke

But we still got love to give

While we're young dumb

Young, young, dumb and broke...."

The four of them burst out laughing as they sang along with the radio, off-tune. Their laughter hitched up a notch when Jen finished it off in truly Jen-style, “We’re just young, dumb, broke high school kids.”

“Oh man! That was crazy!!” Lizzie exclaimed giving her sister a high five. There was a pause for a second and then they all started laughing again. Kelly picked up her ringing phone and grunted when she saw the caller ID. Crap. It was her brother, Decebel. “Oh no...” she moaned. “What happened?” Kesha turned from the front seat of the car and asked her, forever the concerned. The laughter died down as everyone turned their attention towards Kelly. “It’s my brother.,” she said as she attended the call. Lizzie shut Jen’s mouth because she could see the wheels turning in her head and whispered in her ear telling her that Kelly’s brother is very over-protective and that he’s probably calling them because they were getting late. Meanwhile, they could hear Kelly’s voice swinging back and forth between desperation and anger. “We’re on our way...It’s traffic...” “No!! That is so unfair!” “We’re close by!!” “No, I’m not giving the phone to anyone! What if she crashes while talking??” “Wait what? Hey!!” Kelly yelled as Jen snatched the phone from her. “Yoo-hoo! Jen on-line here!” she paused for a second and then continued, “You seriously need to chill out man! Don’t go all ape shit on her.” Everyone looked at her as she stopped talking for a moment. “Uh-huh, uh-huh, hmm, yeah, what? You’re going in and out.” Jen kept swinging the phone and went “Sorry, ca-n’t he-ar y-ou.” Then speaking normally again, “I guess reception doesn’t work for buttheads like you. See ya.”

Decebel on the other line was taken aback for a minute and thought that maybe his line had crossed over with those crazy advertisements that talk non-stop. But he realized that it was that friend that Kelly used to talk about. Some crazy loud chick he’d seen around. He was shocked as he heard her rant on and on... He let out a sigh of frustration when she cut the call on him and pretended that the phone was cutting out. Did she call him a butthead? He was losing control and couldn’t wait to give that girl a piece of his mind.

“Jennifer Adams!! Why didn’t you give me the phone? Are you nuts? Do. Not. Switch. It. Off!!

My brother is gonna kill me.” Kelly said and slumped back into the seat in defeat.

Kesha was silently smiling in her seat and was shaking her head at Jen. Jen could get so crazy at times. Kesha enjoyed it, but sometimes she was worried that she would get into trouble because of it. Not like they hadn’t gotten into trouble before because of Jen but she was afraid that this time maybe she won’t be there to save Jen.

Jen threw the phone back to Kelly and took a sip off her Slurpee. “Jeez, relax honey.. look we’re here.”She said as she parked their car into the usual spot at school. They all got off and saw two guys walking towards their car. It was pretty obvious who Decebel was given his temper flying through his ears. “Oh man...here goes,” Kelly said and braced herself for the inevitable scolding that was about to come. Decebel stormed towards the blue Mustang and Gray tailed behind whistling. When he saw Kesha standing there he raised a single eyebrow in appreciation. He didn’t expect Kesha to be friends with Decebel’s sister but luck really loved him. Jen whistled as Decebel came closer. “Oh my, my. K honey, you didn’t tell me that your brother was such a hottie!” Kesha rolled her eyes at Jen’s reaction. Only Jen, only she could think about such a thing in such a situation. Kesha heard Lizzie tell Jen that he was the rugby quarterback. She was about to tell Lizzie to leave with her this minute when she saw him. Crap. She felt her legs root into the ground involuntarily as he came closer. Gray was looking directly at her with an intensity that she couldn’t describe yet he looked so relaxed, poised even. Everyone was drawn from their own worlds when Decebel spoke to Kelly. “From tomorrow you’re coming with Gray and me Kell.”

“Whoa..whoa. Wait up, dude! Who the hell are you to tell her what to do and what not to?” Jen’s words pulled him to a stop. So this was Jen. She had long blonde hair and eyes as blue as the ocean. She was beautiful. Concentrate Dec. “Look I don’t give a damn what you think. It’s our problem. And it would be nice not to have your advice, thank you.” Decebel’s cold words were like a slap to Jen’s face. She felt déjà-vu. “Well now that’s sad and do embrace yourself for this bad news. I. Don’t. Do. Nice. So screw what you think. She is coming with us and that’s final. This isn’t the 19th century where men can act like freaking barbarians, brother or not. And do remember: don’t think talking like that to me will get you anywhere. You can’t unsay anything you say and I won’t forget it!” When she finished her little rant they were both an inch apart. Their rages were visible to everyone around them. Suddenly Jen pulled away and started walking off. But not before Decebel caught that look of hurt in her eyes. Had his words hurt her?

....


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562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

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Wed May 01, 2019 11:48 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely night, I will also try and help get this work out the green room.

Let's start.

So this was a great start to a story, and I really enjoyed reading this. But it needs a little work, so in this chapter I'm only going to talk about one this I saw that could be fixed. Is that you need a little more description in this chapter. You see I don't really know what the characters look like, I got to know there personality's quit a bit. But I don't have a face to fit them.
Right now when a character is talking I don't have a face to put them with, only a name. So that would be really good if you could add a little description in the next chapter.

But other than the description this chapter was really fun to read, and I loved everything about it. I think I will like your characters when I get to know them better. I do hope you will keep writing. And don't feel sad about what I said if you upset you, all us writers have things we aren't that good at, to be honest I wasn't even good at writing as a whole when I first started, so you are doing a really good job, and I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Never stop writing because you are doing an amazing job, I hope you will post again soon and have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




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155 Reviews


Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

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Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:25 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! What a great piece! You did an awesome job and it was so much fun to read. I'm going to give you some general feedback and then get more specific.

The most glaring thing I notice, just looking at the piece, is that there are huge chunks of text in the story. Everything in the paragraphs is great, but it's hard to read, particularly when different characters are speaking. Breaking up the paragraphs to have only one person speaking in each is often easier for people to read.

On to the actual work. It's really good! I actually kept thinking it reminded me of a piece I read earlier and then realized that it was the same storyline, so well done, me. But that's good, because I liked that one and I like this one, too. The characters are developing nicely, although it would be nice to see more in the way of their thoughts and personalities.

I do question when in the timeline this piece falls. In the first one you published, it seemed that Gray already remembered Kesha, so does this take place chronologically before the first piece you published? Or is there some kind of mystery between them that will be cleared up as we read?

I also would also like to note that in the past paragraph, you have this sentence here:

"Decebel’s cold words were like a slap to Jen’s face. She felt déjà-vu."

I'm not sure that the word déjà-vu really fits here, as it means a sense that an immediate event has occurred in the past (believed to be short-term memories being misfiled as long-term memories), yet there is a highly negative connotation to this sentence. It seems more like she felt hurt, or insulted, or angry, but not necessarily that she felt that this scenario had happened before. If you did mean déjà-vu, perhaps elaborating on that sense would make it easier to understand.

Overall, great story! I'm excited to see where it goes!

Toboldlygo





I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights