Published September 18, 2007
He looked across the table,
With confusion and with woe.
His blue eyes dull like iron,
Like the sun they once did glow.
I told him that I worried,
Let him know how much I care.
But all he did was sit so still,
Straight backed against the chair.
I worry that we'll both lose touch,
That we'll never speak again.
Left in the dark without your love,
What will I do then?
I worry that you'll lose interest,
Find another to call your own.
Run away with a different beauty,
And leave me all alone.
I worry that I'm not enough,
There's plenty better than me.
I look so deep inside my soul,
But the beauty, I can't see.
I worry that you'll disappear,
Never to be by my side,
And when that happens, I don't know,
Where am I going to hide?
But most of all, I worry,
The inner beauty you find,
Is ugly and abnormal,
But you hide this and be kind.
He looked at me with love filled eyes,
Stood tall and strode to me.
Brushed his lips against my own,
"I love you, don't you see?"
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Lizzy--
I like it!! I have a couple of suggestions to make it even better, nothing major.
He looked across the table,
With confusion and with woe.
His blue eyes dull like iron,
Like the sun they once did glow.
I LOOOVE those analogies.
I told him that I worried,
Let him know how much I care. cared, not care. Don't go switchin' tenses on me!
But all he did was sit so still,
Straight backed against the chair.
I worry that we'll both lose touch,
That we'll never speak again.
Left in the dark without your love,
What will I do then?
I worry that you'll lose interest,
Find another to call your own.
Run away with a different beauty, instead of beauty, use something one syllabled, like "Girl", to keep this flowing.
And leave me all alone.
I worry that I'm not enough,
There's plenty better than me.
I look so deep inside my soul,
But the beauty, I can't see.
I worry that you'll disappear,
Never to be by my side,
And when that happens, I don't know,
Where am I going to hide? it should read "And when that happens, I don't know
Where I'm going to hide."
But most of all, I worry,
The inner beauty you find,
Is ugly and abnormal,
But you hide this and be kind. "But you hide this to be kind."
He looked at me with love filled eyes,
Stood tall and strode to me.
Brushed his lips against my own,
"I love you, don't you see?"
See, that wasn't so bad, now, was it? :] Other than that, I loved it.
Write on!!
--Quippie
...wow...
Just wow.
This was really good. Everyone got all the advice and tips down, but I just want to say that this was just great. I like how you have her as insecure and not really beleiving she's good enough for this guy. I just want to yell at her and tell her she's pretty and great and I don't even know about her. It's just...it really got me to think, so that's why I like it. It was really good.
Keep up the great work!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
pretty much everyone else slammed it, i guess i dont understand. they look for just the grammar.
i loved it, i felt the emotion, the insecurities, the love. i think you did a great job.
honestly i think there is to much bashing others work. pick the advice you need and toss the rest. your great, dont stop writing.
I think all the people above already said everything, but here are a few minor suggestions:
)
"With confusion..."
Completely agree with Clau. Way too tell-not-show.
"Straight backed against the chair."
Just straight back would do, no need of --ed. It'll actually make it flow more and a little more image sort of.
"What will I do then?"
Breaks the flow. Add one syllable in there somewhere. "What could that's good will I do then?" (Wow. That sucked.
"Where am I going to hide?"
Also breaks the flow. Maybe.."Where then will I hide?"
"this and be kind."
Trade "be" with "act"
I liked this. It was...sweet? It was weird, too. Not the best, but it seemed almost lyrical. Just use some stronger words! The rhymes were nice. Otherwise, not much to say. Good job!
I liked this.
Because of that I'm going to nit-pick.
"Confusion and woe" - too vague. What does that look like on a person's face? It tells me how he feels, what he thinks maybe, but I still don't know what he looks like."blue eyes dull like iron" I like the try for a metaphor, but I think the metaphor could be stronger. Why iron of all things? Give reason to your metaphor.
The last line should be a sentence of it's own. I like the last line but it doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the stanza? It goes from what he is doing to his eyes, It's just strange.
"Let him know how much I care." this is out of tense in the strangest way. It'd say change it to, "let him know that I cared," I can't get it to work out any other way.
"So" is a waste of words, imo.
"Straight backed against the chair," This is a perfect place for another metaphor and, though it breaks your four line pattern, maybe you can remove another line, and fit in a metaphor. I think it would work well if you could find what to compare it to.
The first two stanzas are in the past tense, then it goes into the present tense.... you'll want to fix that.
I'm not sure why you put "I don't know" in there? Did it fill up syllable length or something? But, it's another waste of words, it doesn't add to the feelings so cut it, imo. No harm done for getting rid of it, right?
"Stood tall and strode to me," he is sitting across from you, so strode doesn't seem like the right action, or walking at all. I think you could cut that out and just say, "He looked at me with love filled eye/ and brushed his lips against mine." (Change "my own", to "mine", and make it its own sentence to give the last line more power.) I think "love-filled eyes" is again, a bit weak. Since this is an emotional power, your word choice is real important. Give us something we can imagine or feel or relate to or that makes more sense than eyes filled with love, which is not only cliché, but vague.
---
Like I said, I liked this! It's something that I could relate to, a lot. The feelings were something I think all insecure lovers feel at one point or another. Good job on that. I was a bit bothered by how it was all telling, and honestly I looked for it to be bad, then I had to read it again, because it wasn't bad, it was actually good. Not that I expected you to write a bad poem, but because I've never really found poems that just tell (or speak) to be good at expressing emotions properly, but you did. Bravo!
Though, you could clean up your word choice and bring in more metaphors, etc. Make it poetic, you know? Right now it's on the fence of bad poetry and awesome poetry. ^_~ It's leaning more towards awesome, but you really have to push it there to get it there! If you have any more questions or something, you can PM me. Best of luck in the editing, and I hope this helped.
this is really beutiful! everything flows really well and i understand about the last line of the first stanza being abrupt but i liked it!
theres not much else i noticed and im tired and busy so i'll just go lol!
Ahh, crazy kids, I loved this, while I agree about that first stanzas last line - it seems a little stilted- I really like all of the rest. I think you did well in describing and elaborating on the worries.
) it can still work as 'can not'.
Oh, I just noticed, though I know why (silly me). In your 5th stanza, the last line? Sounds a little odd to me, but (I did work it out =D) I think that it may just be how I pronounce 'can't' that is the problem... if you had any inclination to change that (not fix... there's nothing wrong with it - I'm just selfish
But yes:
All in all, lovely.
*hearts* Le Penguin. Wench Capt'n.
Note: I'm not a serious person, therefore I do poems like these. I revolve around the world of comedy and actually hate being taken serious. As long as the reader understand what the poem is about, and sees that it can be taken as a serious situation, then that is what I am aiming for.
Although I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate it being pointed out. Thanks.
Hon, you've got a "On Top of Old Smokey/Spaghetti" rhythm going here, dipping occasionally into plain forced rhyming.
XD
That said, it's not a good thing.
I notice that the last line is almost always the forced rhyme.
The forced rhyme slash spaghetti thing is what's totally killing this poem. I can't take it seriously when the narrator in my head is singing it to "On Top of Spaghetti". And thus -- I'm laughing.
As for the subject, I don't care for it. XD But that's personal preference.
Erm...
This is not the most captivating stanza. The woe/glow rhyme is....tacky. With the same sort of subjects, I'd have re-written it something like
"Our gazes, strung across the table
Tension and worry walking the tightrope between us
His eyes mottled, dull and cold, like iron:
Where is the sunshine? And where is the trust?"
See the difference? A tightrope metaphor fits well with the situation.
Heck, I think that the biggest problem here is that you're telling and not showing. Metaphors are good for this.
In all honesty, something like this, I think, should be a free-verse....because sometimes a rhyme just makes you take it less seriously. *See above Spaghetti thing* Have you tried free-verse? It makes a lovely change from rhyming.
Other than that I have nothing to say...so....gambatte!
Cheers,
Sumi
wow! that was so sweet. It really caught me!
I almost feel bad doing a line-by-line, but with some nitty-gritty details you'll have just about the most amazing poem ever!!
for some reason, my computer is messed up and won't let me do any formatting. so comments are in BOLD
He looked across the table,
With confusion and with woe.
His blue eyes dull like iron,
Like the sun they once did glow.
I like this opening stanza, but the fourth line is somewhat abrupt. can't explain it very well, but it just doesn't seem to fit...
I told him that I worried,
Let him know how much I care.
But all he did was sit so still,
Straight-backed against the chair.
I worry that we'll both lose touch,
That we'll never speak again.
Left in the dark without your love,
What will I do then?
wait- so is this supposed to be like you talking to him?? or is this your thoughts or what?? confused.
I worry that you'll lose interest,
Find another to call your own.
Run away with a different beauty,
And leave me all alone.
I worry that I'm not enough,
There's plenty better than me.
I look so deep inside my soul,
But the beauty, I can't see.
I worry that you'll disappear,
Never to be by my side,
And when that happens, I don't know,
Where am I going to hide?
But most of all, I worry,
The inner beauty you find,
Is ugly and abnormal,
But you hide this and be kind.
He looked at me with love-filled eyes,
Stood tall and strode to me.
Brushed his lips against my own,
"I love you, don't you see?"
keep up the fantastic work!!