Published January 22, 2008
I know what it's like,
to be a teenager, my love.
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
I was caught for firsts,
which were soon, my lasts.
Been embarrassed by
two old crones, that moan,
about the clothes I wore.
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
Had a father who
was too suffocating;
like a boa constrictor;
"I always know when you're lying;
Your lips move."
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
Had a mother who
watched me like a hawk,
waiting to swoop down
on me if my skirt was,
a tad too short.
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
"You're old and boring,
you don't understand me!"
I've been there too;
I am that old.
-----
Okai, this is different to what I normally write; any suggestions of improvement would be appreciated.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
I thought it was really good
I liked how it was someone reflecting on their past instead of the usual teenage moaning lol
It really reminds me of my mum this poem its exactly what she says whenever i moan, i was your age remember lol
Not a fan of poetry but thought this was done very well
it's good, but I don't know why I couldn't really feel
I liked the last part,
How all the poem its like,
I'm not that old....
Then the last one...
I AM that old.
As a whole, I like where you're going with this, with a parent adressing their child, trying to relate to them. I like the change of perspective at the end, when the parent goes from "not that old" to "that old". It's very well put together, and I congratulate you on that. Some little nitpicky things:
I'm not sold on the "my love" at the end of this. If it's a parent addressing a child, they probably wouldn't say "my love". Try something like "darling" or "honey", or just take it out altogether.
I'm not quite sure what you meant by this. I'm thinking along the lines of "what got me noticed in high school (looks, etc) are now gone away from me", but I'm not quite sure about it. A little clarification, maybe?
Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but generally semi-colons are used to seperate two complete and related clauses. Last time I checked, "Like a boa constrictor" is not a complete thought. What is like a boa constrictor? If it's the father, then a comma should be after "suffocating"; if it's something else, name it.
I would take out "a tad" here. I know the effect you're going for, but "a tad" clutters it up.
Couldn't have asked for a better ending for this.
Again, great work. Just a little tweaking, and it'll be fine.
Maybe its just me, but these lines makes no sense. caught for firsts? what is that? the second line makes a ibt more since, but since it is coupled with the first, it is unimaginably confusing.
I don't like the old crones part, but I really don't think this whole part flows very well.
I like this part in it's entiretiy, except I think perhaps adding "I" before the first line would be useful.
This is a good visual, but I think the word "tad" isn't appropriate, try to find another word that would more appropriately express the amount.
I think these lines are entirely missplaced in this poem. That is a personal opinion.
I think that you should leave out the 2 lines that end each stanza, till the very end of the poem, for more dramatic effect.
Interesting. I like how unique it is but I think you can write more.
Had a mother who
watched me like a hawk,
waiting to swoop down
on me if my skirt was,
a tad too short.
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
what do you mean your mother was like a hawk? Please explain a little more in detail about your mother it caught my fancy.
Becareful that each line make sense cause some things I read in here do not really make sense to me. But I like you poem Very Good. *Clap!*
SimonCowellLuver
Hey
I love this poem, i can realate to the part when you said
Had a father who
was too suffocating;
like a boa constrictor; [This is awkward.]
"I always know when you're lying;
Your lips move."
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
This helped the me relate to the poem because i have an over protective father, who wont let go of me, and barley gives me any freedom.
I really like the poem idea of the middle aged person thinking back to her time as teen, and you touched on many things that teens go through.
The poem would probaly be even better if you mantioned the mother thinking back to her friendships when she was a teenager, it can help people relate to it and understand it more.
Keep up the good work
T
This has worked out well considering it is not your typical style!
However I must agree it did not flow smootly in parts.
An obvious stutter is the link or lack of between restricting and constrictor.
If this were mine, I would possibly cut out the "on me" before "if my skirt was" or edit the words in some way.
Otherwise an excellent poem and idea.
Dofs...
I really like this, Lizzy. I'd cut 'my' before 'love"...I can't really explain why, just going with my instincts here...
I'd get rid of the comma after "soon". I'd change "that moan" to "who moaned".
I agree that "like a boa constrictor" is awkward. Maybe choose a different similie, or change it to a description of what he did to suffocate the speaker, and put it on two lines.
I love the dialogue.
I'd change;
"waiting to swoop down
on me if my skirt was,
a tad too short. "
to;
"waiting to swoop
if my skirt was too short."
I'd change
""You're old and boring,
you don't understand me!""
to;
"You're old and (you're) boring (take or leave the extra 'you're'.)
You don't understand!"
I'm not sure how I feel about changing 'not' to 'am'...on one hand, I liked the variation, but on the other I'm not really sure what yo're getting at...it seemed very contradictory, which may undermine the poem..
Anyway, this was a really lovely piece overall and I really enjoyed it.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Hey, I liked this poem. So its not exactly moving, but I can really relate to what the poetic voice is trying to say, and understanding it sometimes hard to come by when the poet is tyring too hard.
Great Job!
Eimearxx
This poem was a tad bit confusing but still good, just a few suggestions for improvement.
Quote:
"You're old and boring,
you don't understand me!"
I've been there too;
I am that old.
This part made no sense what so ever to me, a little editing would help to clarify this stanza.
That was really the only thing that really bugged me, when you edit it please let me know, I would love to see the edited version.
PM me with any questions. PM me when you have edited it.
Thank You and Good Luck
-BroadwayGirl
Aw! Ginger!!! I love it!!!
Hi,
This poem was a cute little read. I liked the repetition in it!
I didn't really understand this part though:
I don't know if you just wrote it because it fit, or if there is a reason behind it, I did that in one of my poems.
I think this poem really represents what Teenagers think of their parents, my friends mom says that to her all the time.
Whenever we talk about this though, my friend always says: "It's different now, it's not like what it was like back then."
Which is true.
I like your poem. I going to go look for more of your pieces.
-lg*
I know what it's like,
to be a teenager, my love. [I don't know why, but 'my love' doesn't seem to fit for me.]
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
I was caught for firsts,
which were soon, my lasts.
Been embarrassed by
two old crones, that moan,
about the clothes I wore. [This sentence's tenses are off. i think 'moan' should be 'moaned'.]
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
Had a father who
was too suffocating;
like a boa constrictor; [This is awkward.]
"I always know when you're lying;
Your lips move."
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
Had a mother who
watched me like a hawk,
waiting to swoop down [This line break isn't right.]
on me if my skirt was,
a tad too short.
I've been there too;
I'm not that old.
"You're old and boring,
you don't understand me!"
I've been there too;
I am that old. [This doesn't make sense to me. What is the message you are trying to get across with this?]
Overall, this is a good poem. I enjoyed it. Just that last line didn't make sense, and a few other things. So, with a small bit of revise and edit, this will be a brilliant poem. Good show.
I really liked this, very true.
The third stanza didn't flow though, perhaps just cut "who was too suffocating" and just leave at "like a boa constructor" we should be able to understand. Or "who suffocated me like a boa constructor." Perhaps it's the 'ing' that throws the stanza off. (???)
I liked the fourth stanza, just be careful with commas, just because Word says you need them doesn't mean you do. c:
Great job!
This is cute!
The only thing I can think to complain about is flow. Read it out loud; it doesn't flow in place, most notably the "I am not that old" part. Your line breaks are strange so it isn't natural to read it.
And maybe you could reduce the telling and put in more imagery.
Nice. I liked the first parts, they were very true and exactly what life can be like.
But this part:
I didn't understand this bit. Was the person remembering their teenage years or something?
I don't think you should use restricting and constrictor. You need to change one of them, because it doesn't seem to flow well.
Other than that, I really liked it.