It bubbled and stewed,
Like the slop that they served for lunch.
It writhed and squirmed,
Like a worm worm in two halves.
It shouted and screamed,
Like a child who wants attention.
It cried and wailed,
Like a banshee in the night.
It sulked in the shadows,
Of my infantile mind.
I bubbled and stewed,
When the shouting began.
I writhed and squirmed,
As his hand wrapped around my neck.
I shouted and screamed,
When the chase began.
I cried and wailed,
When the attack had been done.
I sulked into the shadows,
Of my infantile mind.
They bubbled and stewed,
Waiting for the slaughter.
He writhed and squirmed,
As I held him down on the ground.
They shouted and screamed,
Sparking up the fire.
He cried and wailed,
Before the first blow.
It emerged from the shadows,
Of my infantile mind
They dragged me away,
As he lay on the floor, bleeding.
They sat me down,
Stern faces near mine.
I sat, as silent as stone,
While they phoned my parents.
I ignored their gazes and lectures,
As they used the word "bully".
I pulled myself back into the shadows,
Of my infantile mind
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
GingerLizzy--
This is awful. Every stanza lops on another prose recitation of stereotypical descriptors and the subsequent narrative is almost embarrassing to see - cliche follows cliche until the end is reached.
Either get serious about writing and read some decent poetry, or find a new hobby.
Best,
Brad
Over all it was okay, just a few things.
1.) I find it confusing when you start out with it having the person you're talking about is being attacked and then he/she beats the other up. That just does not make any sense at all. If you were changing points of view let us know.
2.) I sort of like the repetition, but if you use it you have to use it through out the entire piece in my opinion. It just flows better.
3.) I can't really see what's happening and it's hard for me to understand the feeling you're giving in the beginning. Maybe talk about the person then the emotion thing. Um, how to explain. Maybe flip the stanzas around. I'll show you.
It bubbled and stewed,
Like the slop that they served for lunch.
It writhed and squirmed,
Like a worm worm in two halves.
It shouted and screamed,
Like a child who wants attention.
It cried and wailed,
Like a banshee in the night
Switch these around. Maybe that will work. And so on through out the piece.
4.) You have to worms in the first stanza.
That's it and over all I liked.
~Mr. Pie
mrs standerline always told us to write something..then watch tv or whatever.then go back to it and read again..then any mistakes will stand out more than if youve just wrote it
also
this is really good
the repetition is effective with everything and such like
i make no sence in these things
i likes it anyhoo lyok
That was wow! I loved the repitition and the line about the infantile mind. I really felt for this person and it was a shock when I realised she/he was the bully. I thought they were the victim. I love it!!!!!
Great job but maybe change the words instead of bubbling and stewing.
One last thing, read the poem to youself and edit it so the rhythm fits. I think the verse about a child wants attention could be revised.
Well done
Charlotte