Okay, so before you read my poem this is just a note from me... Lizzy. The poem that you are about to read contains a few lines which are not my own, and ones that I got from my friend's MSN name. Whether or not she got them few lines from somewhere else, I do not know, but if them seems familiar I apologize and I'm not telling you, they are not my own idea.
Thanks, enjoy and review ^^
P.S; I'm not sure whether or not I have entered this into the correct forum and if that is the case, I apologize. Also, this is the first kind of thing I have done in this forum, so it probably won't be that great, but try not to be too harsh? ^^ Although. I welcome advice.
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She sat silently in her room.
A smile still licking her lips.
His eyes still reflected into her own,
His taste still present.
And as silence filled the room.
She gathered her thoughts.
Her mood still focused upon him,
As he lingered in her dreams.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is nice, but I think that it could be more poweful towards the end. I couldn't really feel the affect which this fella had on the speaker, and I'd suggest more imagery, and trying to get inside her head more. I did like "A smile still licking her lips." This was very fresh, and suited the poem beautifully.
GingerLizzy,
Ruminant jokes aside, this is not what I'd call poetry. It hammers home--what, exactly? That a girl still thinks of "him"? What's new or exciting about that?
Take care,
Brad
I liked the sparseness of it. It's like sipping lemonade instead of a three course dinner; less, but just as yummy.
I like how you took a common line and made it your own.
You used "his" twice, but I can't decide if I like it or not. Initially, bells went off in my head saying "repetition!" but it's not bad repetition.
But "lingered" is a common word, especially in this context. I'd like to see the same kind of thing I mentioned with the smile above, taking a common phrase and making it into something wow.
Careful with punctuation; I don't think it can be completely read as you might have intended it to be.
I like how in the first line, the girl is passive to the guy's presence: she doesn't see him, but he is being reflected in her eyes. By contrast, the line following is a nice turnaround, but it also might be cool if it were equally as passive.
Especially since there are such short stanzas, I don't see the need to separate them, but I suppose there's really no reason why you can't ^_^
This seems so perfectly romantic, that I can't help but like it. It reminds me of those times right when you have left a very nice event with your loved one. You can only think about them--but it is silent and you are alone. Your choice of the word "taste" is so sensually perfect. My only problem is that I would like more--it's so good, why not give us some more feelings from it? The other problem is punctuation, many of the lines aren't grammatically correct and so reading it is kind of hard because it doesn't flow right.
This article might help you to figure out how to do it: Poetry & Punctuation. Best of luck!
Short and Sweet
quite the interestingness....short but explanatory
!
Okay.. I just read that first chapter and ralised.. I have made a few mistakes..
"if they seem familiar..."
"I'm now telling you..."
I am a giddy goat =]