Published August 31, 2007
Okay, this is pretty simple stuff, something little kids might read maybe...
But I hope you'll like it... =]
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Counting numbers,
Close your eyes,
Guess where they will be.
Hide behind,
The big thick trunk,
Of the sycamore tree.
Spinning round,
After ten,
Scanning through the crowds.
Look for signs,
Of your friends,
Listen to the sounds.
Girls screaming,
Boys shouting,
All of them having fun.
Trying to fit,
In every game,
Before playtime is done.
See a foot,
Is it them?
Have you found a clue?
Yes it is,
Peek a boo,
I am seeing you.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Well, it's cute, as CK Lynn so elegantly stated.
It is childish, and that sort of sets me off. As Suzanne said, it's very simple; it doesn't really go past what's written. Not much beneath the surface, if you know what I mean. It is sweet and enjoyable to read, but as a memorable, sophisticated poem, not so much.
Also, Suz brought up a good point about commas. Sometimes people think that you're just supposed to put a comma or a period at the end of each line in poetry. FALSE. Punctuate it as you would punctuate any other piece of writing.
Better luck next time.
-Colleen
*cute*
Very nice. It totally painted a picture in my head, and the short, bouncy rhythm compliments the theme. Bravo...I love your poems!
This is really cool! It remindes me of my days in Kindergarden when hide and seek was the game to play. Everybody couldn't resist peeking to see if someone was there or giggling when someone walks past.
This was pretty good. It was indeed cute, but it lost the rhythm after the first stanza - which I really liked, by the way; points to you - and I thought that parts of it were a little clunky, for instance:
"Trying to fit,
In every game,
Before playtime is done."
Something about this is a little awkward. It still works, so I'm not demanding that you change it.
If I were you, I would change the punctuation in this last stanza to
"Yes, it is! (Adds the feeling of excitement, like little kids will have when they're playing a game with their friends.)
Peek a boo,
I am seeing you. (!)"
I wasn't sure if the exclamation point at the last line worked, but I would definitely change the first line of that stanza. It flows better, I think.
So. Nice job.
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin
Awwww! This is really cute, and I like the uhhh What's it called? Like... rythm to it.
Yes, I don't like these simple poems. I was really hoping it would go morbid and it wouldn't be her friends. XD
In some places, you have commas where you don't need them. For example, S4L2.
This is brillaint. I love how you know who your audience are for this poem.
I loved the simplicity and the cuteness of it. I wouldn't change any of. It flows really well.
Aww another cute one..
I see you are being influenced by childhood games with this and the last poem
Super