Published June 17, 2010
Vestiges
These nights are alone,
hiding beneath the floor
in a midnight’s cobweb
with only a monitor’s light,
dreaming of successes and
contemplating failures.
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Good stuff!
One of the hardest variants of poetry to write is the short poem. It is exceedingly difficult to be succinct, impacting, and meaningful in a few mere lines. It's a skill and a patience that I wish I had. I'm envious any time that I find something like this -- a short poem that still retains good images, intelligence, emotion.
You begin by personifying the night. It is hiding. Alone. Beneath the floor. Great. Not overly unique, but it does its job, and it is fresh. "In a midnight's cobweb" was the line that got me -- fantastic imagery. Simple, but something that I've never seen before.
The next three lines wrap up with the meaning of the poem. Your ending is just fine, and it leaves us on such a note that we are with you, in the dark, before a computer screen, wondering. This poem is great in that it captures the late night/early morning fuzz of writing. In a short space, it has great tone, and a wonderful taste. The only complaint I might have is your choice of two verbs -- "Dreaming" and "contemplating". They're pretty boring. But you have to find the right balance, especially with short poetry, as every word must stand on its own and be judged. I'd consider looking for synonyms for at least one, but select nothing too flashy, as it'll end up shouting over the meekness and quietude of the rest of the piece.
Good job,
-Kylan
I think this is a very interesting poem. I love "midnight's cobweb". The imagery is really good and vivid - and I particularly like the ending, linking it all to successes and failures.
I really like how short but vivid this poem is. The title, "Vestiges," compliments this quite well too; success and failures, and wondering of those things, brings about traces and paths forgotten. And like you mentioned of the outburst of revelation also strengthens the meaning of the poem.
Good work!
Retrodisco666,
Yes, the ending is meant to be abrupt-- as if the whole entirety of the poem was more of a solemn burst of revelation to the narrator--and it is intentional. Thanks, I'm glad that it comes off that way.
Thank you for your comment!