The Struggle of the Orchid
In a fortress of shoots, leaves, and amethyst,
Far away from the deceit of night and the torch of sun,
The orchid is conceived.
Curling her shy head into her knees, as of yet naïve of temporal things,
Patiently she waits to waken to the unknown mantle.
Then, unfurling in the presence of daylight,
The sun hanging above like a citrus draped in pale silk,
She flees her mother’s wintry demise, burying herself into the soil unabashed.
Lacking tenacity, her sisters are dying,
Hitting the soil like tears on linen.
Yet her dormancy blocks all sorrow;
Shallow, she all too soon forgets from whence she came.
Months pass quietly and without mark,
But before spring’s peachy clouds break horizon’s brow, the orchid already seizes root alone.
Harrowing and cold and foreign the world seems, but expansion leaves no room to be tentative.
Soon summer, full of rosy heat, begins,
And in the crevice of another she grows, ashamed to leech,
Hoping for once that her modest intentions are understood.
Almost, she can touch the sky, if not blocked by their shadow.
Then blooming, her fertility spreads abundant.
She is plagued by iridescent beetles and the shimmer of moths.
Her leaves, crested by the moon, dance to the sky,
Petals, sleeping in cream and lavender.
All watch her grow deep into the days,
Her children take to the wind, absconding
With her life, and are lost into the earth.
Then, breaking off her lamenting kiss with air’s harsh vapors,
The orchid lies dormant once again,
A conquered tribute to the earth,
Lovely in her bones.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hi there!
Well, this is a rather beautiful poem. I usually enjoy poems about seemingly small and insignificant things that nonetheless are rather amazing. You write with an eloquence and flair that lends your poem a lot of maturity. It actually looks slightly intimidating to the average reviewer (eg. me!), but that might just be because of the length of the lines.
As Bubbles said, your imagery is fantastic. I would, however, watch out that you don't overload your poem with the imagery. It's wonderful, but too much means that we lose sight of what you're actually trying to say and instead only focus on a few words. When the imagery becomes too much, it stops describing the story and begins to hide the story under it's many - albeit lovely - layers.
But, yes, wonderful work!
-Amy
Hey there, Welcome to YWS!
That's a beautiful way to engage your reader into the poem with a lovely bit of vivid imagery. One nit-pick for improvement in it though, would be to place a hash at the end of the first line as if hesitant momentarily. I think this would set a nice pace for the start of your poem, but it's up to you.
The way you compare things, such as the above quote, is truly magnificent. As a reader, I can relate to every bit of your poem and empathise every narrative route you take. It's extremely well written.
I don't really have anymore nitpicks besides punctuation improvements, but that'll come with experimenting and as it's your poem, I'll let you decide if you want them or not! Anyway, I loved this so keep writing,
Ben
Hello there
This is an adorable, sweet poem. I liked the imagery in everything
I just loved this part, it felt as if I was the conceived orchid as I read.
Good job on this one
Hi GildedLily,
Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to leave some reviews and get acquainted with the other members: I'm sure they'll be pleased to meet you
Re: your poem - it's quite, quite beautiful. I really enjoyed some of your imagery: "citrus draped in pale silk" and "the shimmer of moths" in particular. You have a lovely, vivid style. I did feel that you perhaps overdid it a little, though. There were so many different, equally beautiful descriptions in this poem that I felt quite overwhelmed. You might want to think about cutting down and focusing on a few central ideas so that it's less of a linguistic flood, as at this point it tends towards the overly verbose (and is bordering on purple prose).
Overall, a pretty piece with an interesting narrative. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work. Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles