Published June 15, 2010
Foreign Bloom
Precious, pliant seed, you, washed on this new land by jealous current, are pitiable.
How often have lonely pilgrims landed desolate, crushed by native resistance?
To prosper here, you must be Spartan, laconic.
This isn’t your home of orient, where bamboo shoots and orchids flourish, and the perfume of Eden still lingers.
Though you may miss your land of tigers and silk, imagine the possibilities here.
Forget, rejoice!
Through these verdant greens and corky soil, soon you shall be the churlish conqueror, with no enemies but your own clinging to what has already passed.
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139,601 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hi there
I must say I really enjoyed this poem!
-This line especially was lovely, it really flowed and the imagery is brilliant.
The subject of the poem is something that I have not come across before which is probably why I enjoyed the poem so much. Your description works well without it being too intrusive and taking away from the poem. It also ended well and where it should have ended - there is nothing worse than reading a good poem that then goes on for way too long and you end up getting bored of it - well done, keep it up!
Jesse
Overall: this is an amazing poem. I love the tone you take to describe in such dramatic terms. It just struck me as well, you acheived a great piece using second person. It's unusual to me, at least, to read a piece in second person that doesn't sound amateur, but you pulled it off with a flourish! Great job!
Keep writing!
~Voxina
Kyllorac,
Your tips on line breaks were especially useful.
Thank you so much for the review. I appreciate it greatly!
Perhaps it is a coconut. In truth, I was thinking more metaphorically.
Could be a pineapple.
Here as requested.
I actually think this works better as a prose poem, otherwise, I suggest getting a bit more creative with the line breaks. Right now, they're just at the end of every sentence, and while this is logical, it doesn't add much to the poem. Line breaks can really enhance or clarify the meaning of certain ideas. For example, the first sentence confused me until I realized that the "washed..." part was parenthetical. Breaking it up into lines would help make this sentence more easily digestible. One possible configuration:
On other thing I noticed:
Overall, you made a very effective use of alliteration, and I really liked all the allusions to the traditionally ascribed opulence of the Orient. It made for some refreshing imagery.
Is this seed perhaps a coconut?
Calligraphy,
Actually, many poems (such as this) can be written in paragraph form, especially when they are written like letters. Still, I understand that you mean the format can run together easily, so for convenience I've changed it.
By the way, thank you for the hello!
This isn't really in poem format. If you change it I would be happy to review.
A. S.
P.S. I haven't seen you around so I just want to say I general hello. <3