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16+ Violence

She's Just a pawn

by GhoulOfGore

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

There she lay on the ground.

Not a peep not a sound.

She will not miss those eyes of hers

so I cut them out, without a word.

My vision blurs as my excitement peaks

And I watch the blood stream down her cheeks

A smile rips into my face

Laughter ringing throughout the space.

I know she's dead

I know she's gone

And it's just the beginning

She's just a pawn.

The game of death has only just started

So pay respects for your dearly departed

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43 Reviews

Points: 276
Reviews: 43

Wed Dec 16, 2015 5:14 pm
babydollblues wrote a review...

So, the bed part about this poem is the rhyme scheme. The words flow so well because of it, not to mention your choice of words, which helps the poem right along. Now, I want to read whatever horror manga you were reading.
My favorite lines in the poem are
"I know she's dead
I know she's gone
And it's just the beginning
She's just a pawn" but what's important to remember is that even though it's a poem, it still needs punctuation. You used periods but you still need commas.
Like maybe this,
"I know she's dead,
I know she's gone,
And it's just the beginning,
She's just a pawn"

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12 Reviews

Points: 26
Reviews: 12

Wed Dec 03, 2014 10:34 pm
therichalder wrote a review...

Man, what a sadist. I love sadistic characters. Honestly, I have to give you credit for giving some nice rhymes.
I kind of find myself wondering what's the story behind this. But it's excellent standing alone and I don't think it really needs to be explained. Although, why would the last line be "So pay respects for your dearly departed"? He was just cutting out her eyeballs. I can't really see such a thing as an act of "respect."
Also, what do you mean by "game of death"? This in itself is a novel on its own. All you would have to do is add some background, characters and actions. Although, I get it if it's just needed for the rhyme.
This really reminds me of a chess match. Already, it mentions pawns in the title, and the word, "game" really sends the impression home. I like chess, and I always found it as a good topic for suspense or maybe horror. People don't give it enough credit by saying it's boring. I really liked this and I should check out more stuff like this.

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31 Reviews

Points: 1317
Reviews: 31

Sun Nov 09, 2014 6:42 pm
gv7233 says...

This is an amazing poem. It is intense and dramatic and kind of scary.. Suspense, perhaps? I love this kind of poem, where the writers get the readers attention by the deep words that were being used. You're a great poet. Keep up the great work!

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85 Reviews

Points: 654
Reviews: 85

Fri Sep 26, 2014 9:47 pm
RavenLord says...

Very creepy. I like the way you say that she won't miss her eyes.

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6 Reviews

Points: 366
Reviews: 6

Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:10 pm
Gravitaxis wrote a review...

This was compelling to read. I'm not much a review person but I guess I can just tell you what I like about it and what I don't.

1. I always love a great horror work. Good or Bad in taste it's always fun to read.
2. I don't usually ready poetry, but I dis enjoy reading it in first person and I like how you showed the narrators feelings.

1. I feel like there could have been something more added to it. Like more characterization of the girl and the killer.

That's pretty much all I've got. Keep up the good work.

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33 Reviews

Points: 490
Reviews: 33

Fri Aug 08, 2014 3:43 pm
Romania wrote a review...

Hello review time with me, Romania. I am not a grammer person what I'm about to say may be complete @&%$, but dont forget your commas. Theres a huge difference in : "Let's eat, Grandma." and "Let's eat Grandma." XD I enjoyed the last two sentenced with both rythme scheme and alliteration. Plus when I use to be in mortuary class we had a ton of dead people jokes so this brough back some memories even though your writing is a horror. To add more suspense and make peoples stomach ach, add better vocabulary. There are so many pretty words that can be used to describe the wonders of horror and carnage. And also you forgot a period at the end.

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825 Reviews

Points: 29151
Reviews: 825

Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:38 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hello, Ghoul!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I'll start by asking a few questions about the piece and trying to find an answer.

What is the purpose of this piece?
It seems like the only purpose of this piece is to shock the reader. While I don't really enjoy horror poetry that much, I suppose that people must find it entertaining somewhere, or people wouldn't be writing it. So really, at its core, this piece was written for entertainment purposes.

Does this piece fulfill its purpose?
To me, the piece needed more context. This simply describes some horrible scene, but really, the piece would be a lot more interesting if the narrator had a motivation. What is the motivation to mutilate this body? If the answer is that the narrator is insane, well, that's not very interesting unless it's paired with another reason. What was this person to the narrator? It the piece would fulfill its goal better if there was a connection between the two characters here.

There are some other issues with the poem as well. Blood doesn't really stream very much if the person containing the blood is dead already. So the blood flowing down her cheeks is a little unrealistic and you might want to take it out.

Your rhyme scheme doesn't really do anything for the poem. It restricts your word choice, and if you are interested in more freedom in the variety of your vocabulary, you could rewrite it without the rhymes.

The last four lines do not make sense without context. I hate to go back to a point I've already made, but really, without more framing, the lines don't really belong in the poem. They feel tacked on and melodramatic.

A smile rips into my face
I really like your use of "rips" here. It keeps the vibe of the poem while still illustrating what is happening.

I feel like there usually are female victims in horror pieces, and I think it might be refreshing if the victim was a male or even someone of unspecified gender (the singular they is very popular these days).

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, and have a nice day!

trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings