Published July 3, 2009
Werewolf
Introduction
I never was a normal kid. There always was something different about me. I tried to not let it show, but all my efforts were for not. There were things that were classified "weird" by the "in" crowd. My unsuppressed rage; my ability to sense anything behind me or coming at me; and my lightning reflexes. I could smell a scent from a mile away and immediately distinguish what it was and where it was coming from. I couldn't suppress these senses. So I didn't. I believed they were a gift from God. That they were something to help me better the world. I tried to be like those comic book heroes that I was so fond of. Saving the damsels in distress, saving a shop owner from being robbed, doing all that I could to annihilate evil. But hey. What type of malevolence is there in my modest little Podunk town? Nothing what so ever. My adventures never got any better than dodging the junk from Mike’s sandwich (who happened to be the violent heathen god of the football team.) I had friends, yes, but none that anyone labeled “COOL” would be caught touching with a ten foot pole. Sound like a good life? Well just wait till the fun begins to happen.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayy well this is an interesting one. i feel like this one ends up sounding far too rushed for what its really trying to be here. Maybe its just the fact that we've got ourselves such a long paragraph here but you find yourself a little out of breath as you read and it all seems like a bit of a massive info dump.
As far as introductions go, this one really doesn't feel like one at all. This seems to much more closely resemble something along the lines of a character description but written in note form. There's just so much happening here, all fairly interesting little points, but in this one bunched up paragraph none of its really all that effective.
I think if you want this particular style of opening to work you need to set this more in some sort of scene and think of either flashbacks or some sort of opening sequence to have this all be presented to the reader, or at the very least you need to trim this down a bit only just the more important events and use it sort of like a bit of narration by this person right before the story begins. Although that particular style would be a lot more of a cliché than doing it the other possible ways.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I have to say, i agree with all the other guys. The opening has been way over used. Change it up a little. Put all that info into something more eyechatching, like a scene or something. No offense but this is something we've heard before and it doesnt hold a readers attention or memory.
I dont mean your character though. I'm way interested in 'em! So dont get discouraged, just show us what you can do!
Heya just me!
I do like it, u were lying!! hehe Good idea and you could do a lot with an opening like that. Only thing I have to say, change the first line, it's slightly cliché. Apart from tht it was fab. I like the out cast idea a lot of people feel that way and wanting to be a superhero. That made me smile. I'll speak 2 u soon xx
As everyone has already stated, it could do with a little spicing up. Maybe have your main character thinking some of this as he's getting bullied, or something of the sort. Try putting some action in there. Just a suggestion.
A few things I noticed:
It should be, "all my efforts were for naught." Naught, as in nothing, rather than not, as a negative.
Since you don't use any commas in any of the items in your list, I think commas would suffice in this situation to separate the items, rather than semicolons.
Try combining these sentences. I think it would sound better.
Whatsoever is generally one word.
Introducing Mike here seems a bit out of place, especially the way you explained who he was in such a short space. Try changing this up by making his description longer, or introducing Mike somewhere else.
I liked the idea of using this sentence here. It draws the reader in by making them ask, "What fun?". Now they want to find out what happens, to see the action.
If it's spiced up a bit, and given a bit more "hook" to it, it could be the start of a really good story.
Also, I don't know if you know this yet or not, but I see you haven't reviewed anything yet. Just a heads up, there's a 2:1 ratio rule on reviews to stories that you post. You should review at least 2 things for every one thing that you post.
Sure, there are a few punctuation mistakes, but, overall, it is a very good piece of fiction. I can't wait to read the rest. Good luck with the rest!
Well, your introduction is kind of typical. It begins to explain that your main character is abnormal and why. It also explains that he is not a popular kid. That's how most are. But that doesn't mean that it has to be a typical story. I agree that it should be longer. Very much so. But there should be more detail. Stepping out of the box doesn't necessarily have to mean that something big has to happen. Re-word some of your sentences:
Make it longer, and also put details in. Tell your readers why popular kids wouldn't touch his (am I to assume it's a male?) friends with a ten foot pole. What are they like? What bond does the main character share with them that makes them friends?
Overall it has grasped my attention to a point! I will follow along!
~Elle
Allrighty, many fantasy novels are about people who aren't your average humans. Most are about "non" normal teenagers. But do you have to come right out and say it? No. Be creative. Find a more effective way to let the reader know he's not normal instead of just saying "Hey, my main character is not normal for these reasons." and you go and list them off. Not a good start
But I know you can totally flip this up. Make it more exciting. Maybe jump right into your story. Have it be a typical day in the life of this kid with the bully's and geeks and then suddenly have him use his werewolf senses for something. Be original! Don't be afraid to step outside the box of the norm.
Well, my only real advice for you is to lenthen this for sure and to be more creative with the begining. I mean, yes, you can do this approach, but this is way too short to grap a readers attention, you know?
If you have any further questions, PM me.
Otherwise, good luck!
Hey!
I liked your introduction. It's short, but good. Maybe you should lengthen it a little bit?
New beginning, perhaps? This one just gets old after a while.
Yeah, definitely reword this. If you're talking about a teenager (and I'm assuming you are), teenagers definitely DO NOT talk like that. Well, most of them don't anyways. I'd really suggest rewording it though.
Great job otherwise. Can't wait to see where this goes!
zOe
You don't know how many times I've heard that sort of beggining.
I really had to read that line twice, mabey you should word that differently.
It should be: But hey, what type of malevolence is there in my modest little Podunk town?
There should be a comma between "Well"and "just".
It's a really short opening, I think you should lengthen it just a tad. It's a good story already! I will follow along with you, so keep writing!