Just a word before the poem begins...my thoughts cannot begin to formulate and do justice to what inspired this work. I work best from the heart, and everything that was on my mind during that moment was expelled to the one who needed it most. I am so thankful for everything they are and will be.
"This has been a week to remember"
What a wonderful phrase
To start so small, so somber
To expand to such amaze
One may say, "oh, what beautiful art!"
But I prefer a beautiful heart
A heart so pure, a heart so gentle
With words so strong, they feel like menthol,
Nobody else has made me feel so much less like a tart
A week to survive
You feared and cried
But what a wonderful gaze
That I saw in your eyes,
When we stood together as one
And what was done, was done.
A week to remember
I promise, you will be okay
It is only December
School gets out in May
And despite our distance apart,
I feel like we are joined in the heart.
Sincerely yours,
Trey
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Nice! Cut "...to the one who needed it most." It feels a bit clunky.
That was not part of the poem...but thanks! lol
Ah. You are correct. My bad.
Hey there! Lake here! You can say I'm a really good friend of yours in the future!;) Anyway, I love poems that people know in their hearts, so spiritual, so deep, something I can relate to, that's what I love about stories and writing in general. My friend, you had all of those qualities in this fantastical poem, and I know that fantastical is not a word.
Anyway, what I really loved about this was the third stanza, it was so romantic, and I never say those words ever! So be proud of yourself bud! And by the way, your first stanza did not feel weak, it may have felt not as detailed and spiritual, but it still meant the same!
I loved the middle stanzas because I thought I could relate to those the most. The line I absolutely loved the most was "It is only December School gets out in May And despite our distance apart, I feel like we are joined in the heart." That line, or lines, was my favorite because it was so sweet, it was like you were telling your sweetheart that despite being so far away from each other, you both knew that you would still be together no matter where you went! I don't think I see that often in poems, or writing in general! Notice I said that last part already...it was not intentional, I literally just noticed.
*Pollution walks by computer*
Pollution: Why do you continue to review idiots who are hopeless at everything!? It's ridiculous! You do this every single day!!!!!
One: they're not hopeless. Two: They're not idiots. And three: I don't do this every single day, you're just mad because I ignore you the entire time.
...
Sorry about that, my alter ego and be a jerk sometimes, she doesn't know better...she just has a negative personality.
Either way, you did great in this, no errors in your grammar or punctuation, I absolutely loved it, AND you should continue writing more of these! Keep up the great wo-
Pollution: SHUT THE HELL UP!
*whispers* Keep up the great work! By the way, I'm not crazy if you think I am...
Hey there! Kat here to review!
This was a powerful first poem to say the least. It started off a little awkward like you didn’t know where you were going but through the middle and the end it got incredibly emotional. It’s a good writing when you know you can make someone feel what I felt when reading this. The only other things that bothered me were the use of the words menthol and tart. They seem forced from the flow of the poem. It’s cool how you included part of yourself in this with the tart reference so I wouldn’t change it reguardless. The best features of the poem on the technical aspect of the matter is your rhyme scheme and the visual you have goin on. Again, a little odd at first with the first stanza being the weakest, but it works itself out nicely. The way you have the stanzas written doesn’t seem to follow a pattern but the design makes it easy to look at and it still flows almost seamlessly.
Trying to remain unbiased is killing me.
Please excuse typos.
Hahaha thank you for your review :3 I agree, the first stanza began very weak, but once I got going, I really got going.
The pattern was that each stanza was supposed to add an extra line, but then the final stanza I couldn't finish it with 7, I needed an 8th line to add my name. But it goes from 4, to 5, to 6, then (sadly) to 8 XD
Hello and Merry Christmas! Izzy here for a review!
I like the spacing with this it makes it very different and coolio. The formatting is different and I think that's what makes this special.
Grammar is good, spelling is perfect and this is very convincing.
The tart part was a bit confusing, but once I read the other peoples reviews it made more sense. I thoroughly enjoyed this and I hope you keep writing!
Izzy
Thank you so much for enjoying it! And don%u2019t read too into the tart part. To be honest I was slightly offended the way they interpreted it. I guess it%u2019s because I%u2019m Canadian, but during Christmas dinners my family will have a HUGE assortment of desserts and the tarts are just the awkward little pies that nobody eats until the end. Basically I was saying that she makes me feel less like an awkward misfit, and more like everyone else. Tarts can be sweet, like pecan tarts, but they are all just so small and awkward.
The weird %u2019 is apparently an Iphone's apostrophe
That is weird okay then iphones good work
Thanks for sharing this very special experience. The rhyming is good and the formatting is interesting and the emotion expressed is convincing. The speaker praises the person spoken to for her words and her behavior.
Yet, tells the person that they caused her to feel like tart and that no one else has ever made her feel that way. A tart is a reference to a woman or girl who looks as if she is of ill repute although she might not be. So it isn't a compliment. But the speaker seems to use it as if it has no negative meaning at all. Why? The speaker doesn't tell us but continues to proclaim the virtues of the one spoken to. That confused me as a reader who doesn't know the nuances of what exactly took place.
Suggestion:
The word "heart" is considered a cliché and poets are advised not to use it.
https://www.poetrysoup.com/poetry/poetry_cliches.aspx
Thank you for your review,
Just to clear somethings up, I am a guy. I thought Gatorboy and the name Trey would have automatically cleared that up lol. Additionally, I said she makes me feel LESS like a tart, not more like a tart.
Lastly, a tart is a dessert item that is generally a miniature version of a normal pie. I was figuratively comparing myself to a tart because tarts are generally small and awkward, usually left to be eaten last or not at all. However, she makes me feel as if I fit in, like there is someone who would pick me out of a group of ultra decorated, super fancy desserts. She makes me feel special.
But thank you for taking your time to read it