Lyle was fairly tall at 6 feet, and he had a full head of black hair. Even though his hair was slightly different than most people in town, what really caught people’s attention were his red eyes. He’d had red eyes all his life, but he didn’t know why. Most people in town didn’t talk about it, but he has seen them looking every once in a while.
He had been walking down the road all day. It was a dirt path that went through the forest and around the entire Slinxiv Lake. He was probably the only person in Ralkin that walked this road, because not only was the lake miles long, but it was miles wide as well. It was an all day trip to walk around it, sunrise to sunset. He thought it was worth it though.
The forest was always a dark shade of green, and the bushes were always big and full of life. There was always a bird brushing the top of the trees, and a deer here and there. He has always wanted to bring his father down the road with him, but it just never happened. He was always busy with work. Elvin Siftin was a member of the Board. The Board of Ralkin consisted of 5 councilmen, 5 councilwomen, and 1 chairman. With only 11 spots in the Board, it was an honor to be a member. Elvin had been elected 3 times in a row. People just thought he was good for the job. The next election is tomorrow. I wonder if dad will win again. Lyle began laughing to himself. There was really no reason his dad wouldn’t win. He had done everything right.
He looked up to the sky. The sun was setting. He hadn’t realized how late it was getting. The sunset was a dark shade of crimson with small spots of purple around the edges. It was the oddest sunset Lyle had ever seen. “What’s going on today?” He mumbled. He quickly dismissed the thought. An old phrase popped into his head. “Don’t let the mind play tricks on you, or it will be the end of you.” He always heard Chairman Forslin using that phrase. It seemed it was a lot more usable these days.
It was getting even colder, and he began to see his own breath. The end of the road was in sight, and he was surprised to see lights coming from the Inn. Most people were asleep this late at night. As soon as he took one step towards the Inn, he could already tell something was wrong. The air wasn’t the same. It was still cold, but… it felt, mysteriously tight. His vision began getting blurry, and the sound of his footsteps slowly faded away. He felt like collapsing, but suddenly a voice boomed into his head. He jumped backwards and fell on his back. He shot back up and was surprised to see Tyrian Tenmar.
“What is your problem Lyle? Are you feeling OK?” Tyrian was one of Lyle’s childhood friends, as he was the same age as Lyle. He was shorter then Lyle, but still fairly tall. He had dark brown hair and brown eyes, like most people in Ralkin. Tyrian always caused mischief. He was a natural troublemaker, and while Lyle hated to admit it, sometimes he enjoyed Tyrian’s stupid pranks. “Wow, its cold out today!” Tyrian Remarked. “I can see my own breath!”
I don’t know what just happened, but I’m not telling Tyrian. He’d think I’m crazy. “Tyrian, why are you out so late?” Lyle was usually the only person out this late, and that was only when he walked the Slinxiv Road. He started thinking about what happened to his vision earlier, but he was cut short by Tyrian’s response.
“Everybody is up late tonight. The election is tomorrow, so everyone is planning the after party. They just finished a little while ago. They’re all just hanging out in the Inn now. I left to get some fresh air, but I’m thinking twice now that I’ve felt how cold it is out here.” Tyrian’s face quickly changed to a frown. “What happened to you earlier? You just fell down.”
“I’m just tired, that’s all. Nothing more, I’m sure.” Tyrian just shrugged and turned around. He began talking while walking back to the inn.
“You should come to the Inn. Your dad was wondering where you were.” Tyrian took off without an answer. He always walked fast, being the impatient person he was. Lyle grinned, and decided to follow him. He was starving. He began walking toward the Inn.
Ralkin was a small village, away from most of the rest of the world. The houses were all made of Oak wood, and they were all in rows and columns. Each house looked different. Everyone who lived in town and owned a farm had to walk there and spend days at a time working. A lot of people in Ralkin were never in the town at the same time as others. However, a lot of people just lived on the farm at all times and only came to town on special occasions. Lyle’s family used to live on the farm, but once their father got a job on the board, they moved into town. Since Ralkin was small, everyone in the village knew just about everyone else. Most locals were farmers, and if they didn’t farm, they sold food and wares at the market. It was a simple and prosperous village.
Lyle saw Tyrian enter the Inn only a few steps away. The Inn was made of fine cut wood and it had a sign on the front of it that said “Welcome to the Hideaway Inn!” It used to have a lot of competition around town, but eventually, it was the only Inn in Ralkin. Lyle opened the door and felt the warm air rush against him as the door shut behind. All around the Inn were people drinking and laughing. The Inn was the favorite place to converse with others, and it even had a special room where the Board met for meetings.
The Inn was fairly big. It had 4 long tables in the center, and then over a dozen round tables on each wall. Then there were 4 large round tables in each corner. There was a fireplace at the far side of the building. It was large enough to accommodate everyone inside, especially on a cold night like this. Tyrian wasn’t kidding. This place is filled. He could see Tyrian already dancing around. Then there was a bunch of men at the bar, including Den Tenmar, Tyrian’s father. They were all telling stories that were obviously not true, but the men were drunk enough to believe them. He noticed Ann Enmal, one of the women in the Board, lecturing Edward Secuin. There were tons of people in the Inn that Lyle recognized, but he kept losing sight of them because of all the dancing going on. Right when he was about to give up looking for his dad, he caught a glimpse of him sitting at one of the bigger tables in the corner.
When he arrived, he saw that the table was occupied by not only his father, but his brother, Rane, as well. Rane and Elvin looked very alike. They each had fairly light brown hair, and light brown eyes. They each were the same height as Lyle as well. He began hearing the conversation between them, but suddenly he realized how tired he was. After walking the road all day, seeing a table to sit at was wonderful. He dropped into the seat next to his dad and he felt all of his leg muscles relax. He was exhausted.
He saw one of the servers run up to him, and he noticed that it was Elliot Credvo. Elliot was a shy boy, a year younger than Lyle. He had blond hair and he was short and frail. Some of the other boys didn’t like him because he was so timid, but he was a nice person. Before Lyle could even say hi, Elliot started shooting words out of his mouth in an instant.
“Hey Lyle, you are in late tonight! It’s a really crowded day here. How are you doing? Are you hungry? Thirsty? I could get you anything you need, on the house if you would like.” Lyle stopped him before he could finish catching his breath.
“Elliot, settle down. I’ll take some potato soup, and I’ll pay.” Lyle started laughing quietly. “You don’t have to talk so quick you know, take your time.” Elliot’s face got red from obvious embarrassment, but he nodded and ran off to the kitchen. Lyle sighed and turned to his father. He started listening to their conversation.
“Great job, Rane my boy! You will master farming years before I could! Everything you grew went great this year!” he patted Rane on the back. Elvin turned around when he noticed Lyle’s presence. Lyle almost never saw him this happy.
“Where have you been, Lyle? You started to worry me. We had a great time planning the election party tomorrow.” Lyle was about to respond, but Rane cut him short.
“He was probably walking that stupid path again. I saw him leaving early at sunrise today.” Elvin raised his eyebrows, and Rane grinned at getting Lyle in trouble. He always does this. Always.
“It’s not stupid, it clears my head.” Lyle shot a glare at Rane, and he returned it in full. Rane wouldn’t understand. He was always too busy getting attention from everyone. He was the best young farmer in Ralkin, and he was getting taught how to use a sword as well. Rane had received the family sword when he turned 18 a year ago. The family sword was a long sword that had a blade and hilt as hard as steel, but the color of bronze. It was an odd site. Elvin always gave him lessons ever since, and Rane felt superior to Lyle in every way now.
“Lyle,” Elvin began. “You shouldn’t go off alone like that all day. You never know what could happen.” Lyle could tell that he was trying his best not to get mad. Why should he? He spends so much time with Rane, why should I matter? Lyle stopped himself before he got worked up about it. He does need to stop scolding me. I’m not a kid anymore. He sighed.
“I’m sorry dad; I was just in the mood.” Elvin nodded and let it be. Elliot suddenly appeared next to Lyle and handed him his potato soup. “Thanks, I’m starving!” Elliot laughed and ran off to serve more people. Lyle started to eat the soup so fast that by the time he realized what he was doing, he had already eaten half of it. After walking all day, the soup at “The Hideaway Inn” was delicious.
“So, dad,” Rane began. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?” Lyle sensed a bit of amusement in his voice, probably because their father had won the last 3 elections. “I hear that there might be a candidate to take your spot!”
Elvin frowned. “I sure hope not.” He mumbled. A small fake laugh came out of his mouth as he got up to go get a drink at the bar. He obviously longed for a good story from one of the drunken men. A fake story, but a good one none the less.
Lyle finished his soup, and got up to take the bowl to the kitchen. He noticed that his legs felt much better now. A few steps toward the kitchen and suddenly Henry Wincmar appeared in front of him. Henry was another one of Lyle’s childhood friends. He was the same age as Lyle and Tyrian. He had brownish blond hair, and blue eyes. He was a built person for his age. His usual job around town was chopping wood. He enjoyed muscle work, but surprisingly, he was a soft guy. His favorite pass time was reading the few books that existed in Ralkin.
“Hey, Henry, how are you?” Before Henry could respond, the crowd of people caused them both to move out of the middle of the Inn and sit down at a small round table.
“I’m doing well. Well enough, that is. I worked out in the fields all day today.” Farming wasn’t Henry’s thing. As if he read his mind, he said “I hate farming, you know?” Lyle couldn’t help but laugh, as Henry’s face had turned to that of utter despair.
“Oh, calm down. You’re going to have to farm every once in a while.” Henry nodded sadly. Lyle got up to take his bowl to the kitchen, but before he could, Tyrian ran up to the table. He looked like he had just done something wrong. But he didn’t look worried. He looked amused.
Lyle and Henry both asked at the same time “What did you do this time?” Tyrian just grinned. He looked as if he was going to explain himself, but before he could, Carol Genvin started stomping over. She was an old woman, probably in her late sixties. Lyle was going to say hi, but when Tyrian ran away at the sight of her, he realized that she had been affected by whatever problems Tyrian had caused. He just shook his head and headed off to the kitchen.
Steam filled the entrance as a dozen servers rushed In and out with soups and beers in their hands. Wow, this place is never crowded like this. I can’t imagine how crowded the party will be. He made his way to the sinks and propped his bowl onto the counter. When he left the kitchens, he almost thought about getting another bowl of the soup, but he decided that if he was going to make it back home, he didn’t want to feel sick to the stomach. He decided to let Rane know he was leaving. When he arrived at the table, he saw that Allanna Forslin was there.
Allanna was a girl Lyle’s age. She had black hair and bright green eyes. She was the daughter of the current Chairman, Danny Forslin. Allanna was one of the nicest girls Lyle knew, but she was stubborn at times as well. He didn’t blame her. Some of the men in Ralkin were not very kind towards women, and that caused a lot of them to be stubborn at times. To be honest, both sides annoyed him.
Lyle waited until they finished their conversation. The two enjoyed each other’s company. Everyone is Ralkin expected them to get married when they grow up. “Rane, I’m going to head back to the house. Can you make sure dad doesn’t think I ran away or something of the sort?” Rane grinned and nodded. Lyle thought about saying good night to Allanna, but he decided not to. Why would she care?
When he got outside, the sudden cold slammed against him. He ignored it and began to walk towards his house. The moon was bright tonight. He always liked the moon. Apparently “Moon” was his first word. He found that hard to believe, but his dad didn’t usually lie. He heard the Inn door open and slam closed behind him. He turned his head to see who it was, but before he could acknowledge the person, Tyrian ran into him. Lyle yelped and Tyrian was laughing hysterically. “What’s your problem Tyrian? You are always so reckless!” Lyle tried to look serious for a few more seconds before he started laughing as well. “What did you do to Mrs. Genvin?”
“How did you know I did something to her?” He was using an obviously fake sympathetic tone. “Can you read minds now?” Lyle raised his eyebrows.
“I saw her stomping toward you back in the Inn.” He eyed Tyrian’s face. “Are you drunk?” Tyrian laughed.
“No, I’m not drunk! I’m just having some fun, Lyle. What’s with you?” Tyrian started sounding serious. Lyle sighed.
“Nothing is wrong.” He turned his head to look away from the village into the grasslands. “Tyrian, do you think we will ever get out of here? Do you think we will ever actually get to go to places like in all of the stories?” Lyle, Tyrian and Henry had always wanted to leave, to go see the places in the stories about the world outside Ralkin. No a lot of people believed the stories about the outside world, but Lyle thought they were true. Tyrian turned to look where Lyle was.
“Well, maybe one day, friend.” Tyrian turned and began walking to his house. Lyle looked at the moon a little longer, and then started walking home as well. However, he stopped when he noticed his dad leaning against the side of the Inn. When did he get out here? As he walked towards his father, he noticed by the look on his face that he was in deep thought. I wonder what he’s thinking about. Once he got close, Elvin was the first to speak.
“Lyle,” he began. “Be up early tomorrow. We are leaving for the farm for a few days.” Lyle’s mouth dropped in seconds. What?
“Dad, are you serious? What about the election, and the party? We can’t just leave!” What’s going on?
“We can and we will.” Elvin said quickly. His face suddenly changed. Lyle could tell he regretted being so harsh. “I’m sorry Lyle, we just have to go. There is work to be done.” Dad’s hiding something. I know it. He wouldn’t just leave the election behind for nothing. Before Lyle could ask if something was wrong, he heard the Inn doors open and close. Rane and Allanna appeared around the corner. They walked up to join the conversation.
Before anyone said a word, Elvin looked at Rane and began speaking. “Rane, Lyle and I are going to the farm for the next few days. We are leaving tomorrow morning. You may stay for the election if you wish. It’s your choice.” What! Why does Rane get to stay! Lyle just barely held in a groan.
Rane immediately looked suspicious, but almost without thinking, he answered. “I’ll stay, but are you sure you have to go? They may not give you the council job if you’re not there.”
“Oh, it will be fine” Elvin said. “I’ll still get the job, don’t worry.” Rane sighed and left the conversation. He said goodbye to Allanna and left for the house. Lyle thought about saying something to his dad. Come on, this is crazy! We can’t leave! He let it go and said goodbye to his dad.
He felt gloomy on the whole walk home. They said that at the party there would be jugglers, story tellers, delicious food, and best of all, fireworks. Fireworks were rare in Ralkin, but whenever story tellers came from the rest of the world, they would bring them. The flashing lights were just so amazing, he couldn’t think of anything better for the occasion.
His house came into sight. It was just about as big as any other house in Ralkin, but it was one of the older ones around town. The wood around the corners had started splintering, and the stone walk that ran up to the door was slightly cracked. The house always served the Siftin’s well. Apparently, it had been occupied by a Siftin ever since Lyle’s great grandfather. He didn’t know if it was true, but the aging house’s look certainly made it seem so.
He opened the door and heard the familiar creaking sound. He stepped in and reached for the shelf next to the entrance. He left the door open so that the moonlight could help him navigate. He reached around until he found the candle he had been looking for. The he reached into his pocket and pulled out a flint and Firestone. He quickly lit the candle and set it back on the shelf. He shut the door with his foot and slowly walked over to his bedroom. As soon as he got close enough, he dropped onto his bed and got under the covers. Before he could even think another thought, he was asleep.
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Hey there, Garrett! Isha here to review. c:
First and foremost, I can't say much as to the intrigue of the piece. It dragged on for a long time, in my opinion, and nothing significant really happened. So far, all I know is that Lyle's father wants to win a chair on the Board, and that Lyle has weird eyes and fell over in the middle of the road. There wasn't really anything there to hook me to the story, which is a shame, because it most certainly has the potential to be something very interesting.
The second thing I wanted to talk to you about was your description. It was definitely there, for the small and specific things- what the characters looked like, what the main room of the inn was like. But otherwise, I don't really have a grip on your setting. I would imagine that it's set in a time period far before our own, considering they're wearing cloaks, wielding swords and drinking soup at an inn, but... other than that. It's a town and all of the houses are in rows, and little else.
The next point I'd like to make is also on your description. It was very much 'this is like this,' and, at times, it seemed more like someone orating what a place they visited looked like, or spouting off physical appearance facts about a suspect to a police officer. It wasn't interesting description, and I can't say that it was exceptionally creative.
And, on writing on its own, there's only one individual point that I want to nitpick, because it was really, really bothering me (I can't say why, exactly, but it won't leave me alone unless I mention it, so here goes):
Notice where I bolded things? Right there, you've got one idea, and then, within the same paragraph, you transition into something completely different within the span of a sentence. First, you're talking about his red eyes, and about how people tended to stare and he ignored it, and all of a sudden, you're talking about how he's been walking down the road all day. Paragraph separation.
Anyway, now that that's out of my system. There are a few points about the characters that I would like to make:
1. When Lyle falls, and his friend sees him do so. So, imagine you're walking down a road, and from a distance, you see a friend just fall. There wasn't any indication of tripping, because someone who's simply falling over looks far different than someone who has actually stumbled over something. He was fine, not two seconds ago. So you run over to see what's going on. Would you actually accept "I'm just tired" as an excuse? I dunno, but if I were that guy, I would at least request that he lean on me, and I'd get him to someone who could make sure that he's not, you know, terminally ill. But maybe that's just me.
2. Lyle is a grown man, by the looks of things. Why would his father be scolding him for running off? He's not (from what I can tell) a boy, anymore. I can understand Elvin wanting to know where his son is, but going as far as actually scolding him, as he would had his son been a young boy, seems a little... extreme? Again, though, maybe that's just me.
And, points about your world:
You said that virtually everyone in this village farmed. You also said that the houses were all in neat little rows and columns.
Those two don't typically coincide very well. Farms need to be spread out, and are often irregular, as farmers buy acres of each others' land, and require more because their fields are growing less fertile, or they have more livestock than they did five years ago.
And people, especially in a time period that's a before ours, would not have lived in a house in a village, and then had their farms elsewhere. It isn't efficient, or convenient, or even all that safe. They would have been close to their farms, so that they could get there and back easily in a day. Work in the fields, if they're growing crops, and take care of their animals, if they have livestock, and do both if they own both.
Neat little columns and rows aren't exactly a realistic set-up, as far as farming goes. They need space, things will be a little irregular.
And that's about all I have to say! Lots and lots of potential to be a very interesting story, judging by your setting and your characters' attitude, but you didn't expand on why he fell over, you didn't tell us if we should be intrigued or not about his peculiar eye colour, we don't really have an idea of whether or not anything exciting is actually going to happen. You didn't expand on his fall- it just happened, and then it was over. There were no prolonged symptoms, or indications that it was a big deal. It seemed more like padding than anything else, and at the same time, you know that that's probably not the case.
So, it could use some work, but if you spend a little time on it, it can definitely be a very interesting piece. c:
If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM!
Good work and keep writing,
-Isha.
Once I began to read this, I had questions. I had no idea what time period this took place in. I realize that it is not in our world, but your writing suggested that it was taking place in a world in the present time that was similar to ours. Your characters spoke as if they were from the modern time, which took me away from the writing and had me wondering why they spoke in such a way. The dialogue also didn't seem real to me. It was too artificial and planned. Read it aloud to yourself so that you can see if people would actually say the things you're writing.
You gave away a lot of important plot detail in the first few paragraphs. You need to space out how much you give to the reader so that they are not overwhelmed and they have a reason to continue reading.
There were a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, but I don't focus on that sort of thing unless specifically asked. If you wanted, you could request a formal review from me and I could go into more detail since I am giving a very simple review.
Overall, this story needs a bit of work. However, it has potential so please keep me posted on any further writing you do. Happy Writing!
Hey, thanks for replying! I have read it to myself several times and I know what you mean by the dialogue seeming planned, i'll have to change that up. I also avoided making the dialogue more medieval like because it would be hard, but I suppose writing takes work. After I change this up a bit, I wouldn't mind a formal review. By the way, just out of curiosity, what were the grammatical errors?
"The next election is tomorrow."
This should be "The next election was tomorrow." Don't get your tenses jumbled.
"This place is filled"
Once again, keep the tenses straight.
"It was an odd site."
Slight misspelling. It should be "sight".
Just small things.
I should have mentioned that when I type in italics, that means the character is thinking to themselves. Also, i'm surprised that I misspelled Sight. Thanks so much for your criticism.
No problem. Message me when you write more. I can't wait!
How would you suggest I fix the first few paragraphs so that they don't reveal important plot detail?
How would you suggest I fix the first few paragraphs so that they don't reveal important plot detail?
Sorry, double post.
You told them everything about Ralkin and Lyle in the first few paragraphs. Since he's on a walk, why not describe the area and himself as he walks and thinks about things that are important to him so that the reader gains a better understanding of him as a character.
Hmmm, good idea. Should I still explain Ralkin later in the chapter?
HEY I LOVE IT your 13 and im 14 now that's a great story there
Thanks, i'm taking JohnLocke1's advice and changing it up a bit. I will have a better version out soon. Only 9 days till i'm 14!