Published March 24, 2008
The lonely tree
There is a tree in the middle of no where
The loneliest tree I have ever meet
Its all alone nothing stands near it
the only way to get to this tree is to travel to the middle of nowhere
sometimes I feel like that tree
sometimes
This life is a burden
NO, not a burden more like Dead leaves
Dead leaves on a dead tree thats branches have long since burnt away and who's roots are gnarled and torn like that favorite hoodie the one that kept me warm in the coldest days
The one that I should have thrown out long ago
But I don't get rid of that hoodie because it is as much a part of me as that tree
the one that we built so many forts in and spent long summer mornings thinking of better ways to get through this life
take three times the time to love
find that balance of what is and what was
decide if you think that theres a god above
learn that there is a time and place to push and shove
trust me
love me
lead me
lose me
and feel me
just don't leave this as a bridge to cross
and boat to get off
this bed to soft
and these these dreams that are so damn far away
most days it seems that I will never get there
the harder I try
the harder I work
the faster I get
The harder it is
the more I have to work
and the fast I need to be
so some times all that I can do to forget the world
all I can do to keep dreaming is to take that drive
out to the middle of no where and find that tree
the one that I can lean against
just to keep me standing
on those days
I am the loneliest tree
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi GamesEnd! How are you doing?
I believe I haven't met you. I'm Kat, and I will be your reviewer for today!
On to it!
Line to stanza comments!
So let's see! First off, you have no punctuation, dear! I will put my thoughts on that in bold.
Let's see what we have here.
-The first line isn't bad, but the description is a bit vague.
-On the second line, I believe 'meet' should be met. 'Its' should be it is or it's.
-The third line is way too long; it ruins your rhythm. Try to brake it down at the comma. And you wrote 'nowhere', it should have a space, like you did correctly on the first line.
-The repetition of 'sometimes0 gives nothing to your poem, so I'd suggest for you to cut it out.
Sometimes, repetition can give a more dramatic feeling to the poem, but here it does nothing, and only ruins your flow, dear.
-Comma at the end of the first line.
-Don't capitalize the whole 'no', and but a period at the end of burden.
-Don't capitalize 'dead'.
-Comma after dead leaves on the second and third line. Also, please, for the sake of your flow, brake the forth and fifth lines! Put it to pieces, dear. They are too long. The third line should go like this (punctuated correctly and grammatically correct): 'Dead leaves, on a dead tree. Its branches have long burned away, and its roots are gnarled and torn,' See?
-The forth line doesn't fit with the above. Try to reword it.
-The rest of the lines are empty. I can't feel anything from them! Use imagery, dear. Make me feel what you felt, when you thought you needed to throw out your beloved hoodie.
-Overview these lines. Do they seem balanced? Ones too short, others too long. Cut them up!
-I made some grammar corrections in bold.[/b
I need to be
so [s]some times[/s] sometimes all that I can do, to forget the world,
all I can do to keep dreaming, is to take that drive
out to the middle of no where and find that tree
the one that I can lean against
just to keep me standing
on those days.
I am the loneliest tree.
- Corrections in bold.
Overall: This has very good potential, and was a nice read. I could sense some imagery, but it was minimal. Improve on that. Revise your poem, brake the lines, throw some punctuation in, correct your grammar, and you'll be fine! This just needs some polishing up
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*
Hey. I'm Jordan and I'll be your critique. (Well at least for now. :])
It was interesting how you compared yourself to the tree.
It was... odd. But I really liked it. :]
Especially the part about your hoodie.
Keep Writing and Good Luck on Future Posts!
-- Jordan
Touching.
Really, all sarcasm that I COULD unload on you aside, very, very touching.
The opening comes off as childishly shy, almost a kind of guilty explanation for the topic, of the topic.
Then it slowly escalates into an intense monologue on God, the World, Humanity (Weird I find that in this poem but hey)
Though you use some basic wording, this is a deeply visual poem, in many ways, it feels desolate, alone, and seeking some sort of peace, and or companionship, even if its with the shadows.
"I dont want to be alone." Oldest quote in Humanity's long list of one liners, beautiful
Definately a Star, if I could I'd give it 5, honestly, beautifully done, you've put me to shame hah.
Watch for placement though, punctuation wise, a few areas could have used commas.
Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.
PS. I Expect much more from you, PM me when you post next, I cant wait ^_^
I think the point of the sweatshirt was just to relate it to something else physical that is attached to him. The tree is basically a layer of clothing that he sheds or dons every once in awhile when he feels like it. I love the way this poem paints abstract emotion in my head. A very hard thing to articulate.
I'd like to meet this tree one day.
It is deep. However, I failed to see the point of mentioning the sweatshirt. It made me think deeper, but I still found no point. That's just me.
Deep. Very deep. I think we all have those lonely tree days. It had good form and was very moving. Great job.