Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm well this was a pretty neat little short story. The plot itself wasn't too clear to me in terms of what exactly it was trying to do but for the most part I could understand the gist of what was going on and it seemed like a pretty fun little conversation that you managed to create here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Plagued night
Joena's dress shoes scraped against the black and white marble floor as he made is way through the large double doors that lead into the hotel Carlsure. Walking with a sense of importance in his steps he turned the corner to the hotel bar but then he came to a dead stop.
I think the sense of importance part could have been shown to us rather than being spelling it out but other than that its a pretty interesting opening. Slightly generic but okay.
"Lindsay, I hadn't expected to see you here," Joena spoken in a tone of clear surprise.
"It's nice to see you as well Joe," she said as a smile grew across her face.
That's classic opening dialogue right there...but effective nonetheless.
Lindsay's dress was one that you would expect on a house wife, which makes it even weirder to see this black and red poke-a-doted slice a average on a girl like her, Don't get me wrong Lindsay can be lady like but she could also buy and sell you with out another thought put into it.
Okay so this was slightly confusing....is this a narrator talking to us...who is telling us this description? (its a pretty decent description by the way)
"Look Turner, I need a favor and it's the kinda thing that you are best at…" she trailed off upon seeing her brother Daemon come around the corner.
"Sister, what brings you to a place like this?" he said in the way you would expect a tough guy to talk but from him it seems forced, to be fair most things about him are that way everything from the way he talk to the leather jacket that was three sizes too big that he wore.
Again a little surprised who is actually doing the talking here.
"yeah," she spoke quickly, " Turner if you could come by my place later, I would appreciate it."
"Don't wanna tell me…" Daemon shot at her.
"No I just need my sink fixed and I was wondering if Joe would do it for me." Her eyes lit up a little and to anyone that knew her this was her tell.
Wait why would she say that "NO" as in she doesn't want to say anything and then she just proceeds to say it anyway. Its a little weird there.
"Yeah, I'm sure, well marry home maker why do you run home to bake some cookies and leave the men here to talk about important stuff!"
That does a good job of showing his personality...and it is a horrible line to say to a woman.
Daemon looked shocked and confused and then he just laughed and said "let go get some drink uh?" I think what it is, is that he is afraid of his sister. He doesn't have a reason to be afraid I mean sure he is like five foot six and a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet, but this is the guy running the numbers and dames racket over this whole city state. Daemon threw his arm over Joena's shoulder and they walked into the poorly lit bar.
Okay that was a little weird again...like somewhat contradictory. If he wants to make a point that this guy is cool and has no reason to be afraid then why even mention the thing that makes him not so scary.
This room is a reminder of better times, soft lighting traces the room and a stage sits empty as if all the jazz and swingers had all died and let this elevated wooden platform as their only reminder. Just one year ago it would have been filled with whiskey and a hundred people dancin and caring on, but now Joena and Daemon entering the room has double the numbers in the room.
That doesn't really feel like an ending there. Its just sort of a transition that was cut off abruptly. You need to make it sound more ending like than that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I definitely had a lot of fun reading this and I definitely like the dialogue that you had in here. It was pretty realistic for the most part. The only thing that I found really awkward was that ending which just didn't feel right to me. But overall it was a pretty nice story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
Donate