Published October 30, 2008
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Excellent words old bean. This reminds me of a blind monk clawing at phantoms in the night, hoarse with the passion of a lifetime of unheeded words. Or something to that effect. Pip, pip, cheerio, keep writing, or I'll find you and do unspeakable things to your housepets.
Ah! Sorry it took me so long to critique this. I really kept glancing over it in my inbox - how embarrassing! I'm on it right now though.
I like your use of words and structure in this first stanza, it's a very strong beginning and entrance into the imagery. Very modernistic, and it works well - the only thing I'm iffy about is the dash before my mind. I don't understand the pause there, as the dash makes us pause longer while reading it in our heads than "my mind" simply would. In the end it's a stylistic choice you'll have to make, but I found the extra long pause due to the dash a little too faltering.
Milton... Paradise Lost... nice imagery. Not entirely sure what "Milton's child" is, but I'm assuming it's either the volume of Paradise Lost, or perhaps a character? I'm slightly befuddled at what this could be. I'd have to think on it. Not a bad thing though! Your poem has a great depth to it.
See, I think these breaks look very nice, and what I think the "my mind" part should be, without the dash. It reads better. This part reads very well.
I find the beginning of the poem much stronger than the latter half - the part where you begin to talk of the cave. It's very rambling and garbled due to that rambling, and the rambling doesn't really sit well with the first half, as it was so concise and had a relatively clear meaning, while all of the words that jumble up in your longest stanza sounded too... much.
I would say try to condense the long stanza and cut out some of the fat. Pick out words that you don't need so it fits better with the rest of your poem.
PM me if you have questions!
~ Clo
yeah man really powerful writing. I dig your style - which is clearly your own style, so i applaud you there. I dont think the punctuation has taken away anything, so if you are better than us three at punctuating and did this intentionally, then good on ya. The message is there, I have several theories of what it is but won't embarrass myself in deciphering - mostly becuase i've always felt that the message of the poem is more important to the reader then the writers intention. But something i did note was you started with the "we" and it stops after
"and where the lofty motion of your eyes
burns us and the captive"
strong wording, burns us
then you turn to the "I" with a distinctive change in voice, as if you lost what you once held so preciously and you end it with the attempt of regaining, with a series of commands
"Melt into the dawn sky and fight me, dry me!
Fight me, dry me,"
So I agreed with the masterful errtu2's words like usual, in believing that it is a love poem of sorts with more going on ofcourse, but that being the main focus of the words you speak. I'm interested if I/we completely missed the meaning. If you get a chance to read these posts give a little review of the reviews if your so kind. Hah, but well done man your a good writer
errtu2 reveiw was excellent for such a poem. I too don't do much grammatical errors in poetry, so sorry. I fairly enjoyed this poem. it has such deep meaning that if you simply scann through it you could miss entirely. which I almost did. You have some powerful writing here and I would love to see some of your other poems!
This poem is written with a weight that is rare even in dramatic poetry. I am not sure, but if my instincts are correct this is a love poem of sorts. It brings to mind the idea that "We were the two things in the Galaxy God didn't have his eyes on."
Tender words, brought with poetic force and the rare delight of Art! If my interpretation of this is correct and it is about love my conclusion is that its a love deeper than our culture encourages, one that brings life and transcendence.
Milton's Child of course makes me think of Paradise Lost and of Adam and Eve, and there is no higher love than Adams acceptance of the fruit for Eve's sake. Victory in defeat, and there is none higher.
Truly the only mystery to me is the captive you speak of.
If I am incorrect with my love interpretation I have made a great fool of myself, but regardless your references and idea's speak volumes to your talent and intelligence.
To finish I merely wish to say that while your Ideas are great, it gets noticeably unintelligible around the cave part, some clearer language would be welcomed. And its not my style to point out grammatical errors and the such so i will leave that to the more left brained.