Published February 8, 2009
My second song to be submitted. Has a more upbeat tone then my last song, even though it has about drugs.
One day I take a little sip
And drunk in more and more
Left the bartender a little tip
And off crazy to the core
Hanging out in the city
Feeling stressed I think
Starting to feel dizzy
But it not spit into the sink
Sticks and stones
Can break my bones
But Sip and stone
Hurt even more
Take another sip or two
And pass out on the floor
Keep saying that I'll stop
But I never do
Your sick of me holding the little orange stick
You Saying "I'm gonna leave you"
I feel a little drowzy
Just one more little sip
Now I'm feeling lousy
Keep on saying no but instead i bite my lip
I used to take a little sip
Then I go off to bed
But now my stomach's doing flips
And it's hurting my head
Sticks and stones
can break my boh-ones
But sip and stone hurt even more
Take another sip or two
And pass out on the floor
Beer bottle cracked on the ground
Sips I keep on taking
Man I love that crashin' sound
And Peace it is bein' fakin
Taking bigger sips can't understand a word
Taste so good like a sugarcoated sword
Killing me and loving it
Get drunk, me wit
Feet flying up to the sky
And never ever ever going down
Getting sky High
And never getting back down
I do not drink alcohol if your wondering, nor do I take drugs. If your wondering, the little orange stick is a cigarette.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,640 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Sure it might be lyics, but to me it seems like a poem. I doen't have all the usual qualities that song lyrics are supposee to have as far as I could tell. Whats the chours? the different verses? the bridge? I can distinguish and thing from the other, but if you plan on being a underground artist that doesn't matter. If you want to hit the main stream you need a stronger chourus. Sorry if that was kinda harsh!
Kay
Haha, great way of putting it.
The song wasn't bad. I think the first part of the chorus needs a little more put into it, but generally, for a substance abuse song, this wasn't bad. That's about the best I can say in these circumstances.
The second stanza is a bit awkward. Try, "And I drank in more and more" or something like that. And then maybe say, "And I was gone, crazy to the core," because that line doesn't make sense otherwise.
The last stanza needs help. It makes no sense whatsoever.
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Okay, so this song would be rated perhaps 5/10. I'll tell you why.
Consistency~
A little bit too much so. The word "sip" was used way too much. Find other words or the entire song seems like a repetitive mess.
Analogies~
Used way too often. You know how many things make analogies to "sticks and stones" breaking bones?
Meaning~
Light and not fully touched on. First it mentions not quite feeling right after drinking, and throwing up perhaps, as contrast to then randomly feeling good. Your emotions are quite jumbled and don't seem to mean anything. You skip around way too much.
Overall, I didn't like this song. It was a topic I don't enjoy reading about but I suppose it was alright, and well described but inconsistant and choppy.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
The only way we can know what type of song you are writing is if you put punctuations. To show if your angry or if the song is fast. So I do agree with you in a way but I have to disagree as well because I thought this song was awesome!
This isn't a metal song for any of its elements...maybe new metal (crappy metal). Sure is aggressive but something just do not seems wright about it. It' strange... I have a feeling that it's a slow one but the meaning of lyrics doesn't fit. Typical juvenile delinquent song...lol Not my type....
What the heck. You guys should comment not just write 5 words.
This song was awesome especially if it's Metal! Is it metal? It better be. You got a perfect idea, moral and justice. Great job you deserve star. Matter of fact you remined me of my song called "Smoke it then Live it". Any ways great job.
Erm... what?
I was wondering. Oh, Tiger, you're back now. Tiger.