Published March 7, 2009
I was listening to St. Anger when the lyrics came into my mind.
Trapped always behind my bars
Forced to gain the brand new scars
Hate seeing into my mirror shards
Break myself at these jail bars
I didn't do it all by myself
My book is right off the shelf
And when I'm here all by myself
He's off getting all my wealth
Your so called proof proves nothing at all
My blood drenches on my wall
Never wanted by any or all
Just one day until my fall
What did you ever expect?
When your the prime suspect
And it's in your house where they inspect
You lose all of your self respect
Someone wants to talk and let me out
I'm stuck let's talk and let anger out
Grab my hands around your neck
What did you ever expect?
Final night inside my cell
Final night inside my shell
Final night inside my cell
Final night inside my shell
And here it's time it's time again
You take me you take me again
You break me you break me again
I will be I don't be again
Hey what's up it's our last meet
You seem so mean but you seem so sweet
Break your bones break you and beat
Say goodbye it's our last meet
Another step and I break down
Wipe my blood across the ground
Pick me up, sit me down
Shocking is the final sound
No longer in my cell
No longer in my shell
No longer in my cell
No longer in my shell
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
in the title i thought you meant "cell" as in cell phone, and the first line is "trapped always behind my bars"
i found it kinda funny
First of all I wanted to say that I am proud because you listen to Mettalica. Second off all I sang you song under the melody of St.Anger. This song what make a great rock song. I really liked the ryhming and the words you used. Good Job you deserve a star!
I suggest taking out the word "my" as it disrupts the flow of the entire stanza.
This stanza is completely off beat. I deeply suggest a syllable pattern. You have a good 10 syllable pattern. You should try to stick with that and it would make your song flow better.
I think that you should say "the" wall as one, "my" is getting repetitive which isn't good, and "my" doesn't 'sound right in that context.
"Your" should be "you're"
These lines seem to be stuck in randomly. Try adding a bit of a lead in before you begin talking about parole or whatever.
Just add these commas. Otherwise, good stanza.
Try instead of being repetitive, put :
"You seem so mean but somehow so sweet" or something like that. Otherwise, the stanza seems repetitive and making null sense.
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I liked this song a lot. It held a lot of meaning and you made beautiful analogies. Good job.
Only, syllable patterns for each line would be great. Example~
The night was long, the longest yet
Forever waiting, cold and wet.
Both of these lines have 8 syllables which make them fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces.
That's about all. Since this is a song, you can also add little notes saying something like, *played softly and consistently on a bass* or something like that so the reader gets what it's supposed to sound like.
That's all, great poem.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
basically. this rhyms got a few good lines, but overall the meaning of the lyrics need to be improved. to drag the audience in.