It has it's problems, I want you guys to read it and fix them. This is my first in a loooong while, so go easy...but not too easy! I don't want any 'oh that's great keep writings's. They drive me nuts. Tear it to pieces. GO!
~~
Second star on the right
And straight on till morning
Trying to find my middle road
But I get caught along the way
And the place I’ve found
Is just stuck in between
the corruption and the old scene
And I’ve found my space between
I’ve seen you drag them out of windows
Into the streets to save their little souls
And so you drag me away
Out of my two blues windows
Across time
The universe sublime
In it’s infinity
I want to live forever
You're the second hand epiphany
that brought me to my knees
You're the hand me down eureka
that's made it hard to breathe
You’re the childhood I never had
“You're not the only one to go astray”
They’ve said, as if it’s all-simple
And I should know what I’m doing
Like I should sleep sound at the end of the day
Not have my tears
Not sleep the years away
Not on your shoulder
But somewhere much colder
And like a Steadfast Tin Soldier
I carry on much bolder
No, I'm not wiser,
I'm just older.
You’re the middle road extreme solution
The answer to my prayers
My shining light in my darkest hour
But fuck the useless cliches
You’re more than a trite bundle
Of words
Trying to find my middle path
But my determination is dying
You’re my poet in the middle road
Giving me good allusions to live by
Second star on the right
You still have to fly all night
To get there
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wesh! I'm Jade. I know this is sooo old but I found it and I'm going to just give it my overall thoughts.
Pretty good! I liked the whimsical theme. The flow is off but I like your metaphors. Definitely add stanzas. I like the rhyme scheme. Saw a few grammatical but this is so old you don't care. Lol that is all I have to say. I know this didn't help because it's almost 13 years old, but whatever.
Jade
Pretty darn good. I didn't love it, but it was good. The rhyming was done very smoothly, and didn't forced at all.
There was one line that I thought was kind of awkward. I had to read it a second time before it made sence: "You're the hand me down eureka." The reason for this is because hand-me-down needs to be hyphenated.
The stanza with the swearing in it spoiled the tone for me. It almost seemed like it was part of a completely different poem that was reworded to fit the theme of the rest of the poem. It should either be scrapped, or redone so it matches the tone of the rest of the poem.
Overall, I loved the use of the Peter Pan concept.